Postcard from the Soul

Guess what? After my mission work, sumambulat ang chika na magreresign na ang boss ko. After 13 years in the office, she is leaving. Nang nagkausap kami, matagal naman daw niya pinagisipan. Mukhang hindi naman siya worried sa next employment niya. She wants to spend more time with her daughter. May mga offers naman daw. Mukhang secured and comfortable naman siya sa kanyang desisyon. 

Ano ang naramdaman ko? Mixed emotions. A part of me is saying 'ok. we all need growth'. Matagal na rin naman ang boss ko sa opisina. I must admit for the longest time, she has been a non-perfoming asset. 'She basically stopped working,' sabi nga ng isang former officemate ko. And I mean she has been like that for years and it has gotten worse. 

One time pumunta sa congress walang dalang office-related documents kahit laptop. Pag nageevent para din siyang participant, isang layer na kailang ng separate briefing. Lugi ang opisina sa kanya kahit saang anggulo mo tingnan. And I can attribute it to the fact that she is a full time mom and she has not upgraded herself for so long. I think she was one those silver platter people na walang konsepto ng hard work. 

Of late, one time she asked me to write a strategic briefer. I made an outline then she emailed a revised one. Dapat daw 'more comprehensive'.  Dapat daw ganoon ako mag develop ng briefer. But when I looked at the document, I swear, it's a chat gpt document, may small icon pa.  I was so pissed off. I wonder did she even manage to read and understand the document. 

Despite the flaws, she gave me a big window to maneuver, almost independent in my programming - one of the main reasons why I still stick to the office. She trusts me and I can be honest about her. I can be transparent with my feelings to her. With the almost independent approach to me, I can manage my program well. I can decide on many aspects. Bagay na I have become comfortable all through my stay and have become reflective of my work style. Kahit mag isa at ako'y nahihirapan, walang kaso sa kanya basta gawin ko ang trabaho ng maayos. 

And with this most of the time, I do not really make kuwento sa kanya. Limited debriefing moments. Kung wala naman akong decision points na ipapaconsult, huwag ko na lang siya i consult. Enough of the small talk din. Wala akong energy for that as well. Ibang iba ako when I get to mingle with Filipino colleagues. But when I am with my other colleagues, I can be very straightforward. Feeling ko may lahi din akong German. 

'Ang daya naman niya hanggang sa huli', sabi ko. Magreresign in a month's notice at gagamitin ang leave so halos two weeks na lang siya sa opisina.  I do not know how the turnover will be. Bakit siya madaya?...Naunahan ako hehe. I have plans na as much as possible kung puwede hanggang next year na lang ako. Well, here we are. I feel my plans have been stalled. To my mind, bahala na si batman. 

During one of the last meetings, sabi ko, huwag na muna silang magmadali mag hire because we need a quality director and disruptions during the transitions shall be minimal. In this case, I may need to take charge as officer in charge until such time a director will be appointed, she suggests.

It's a call of duty, sabi ko na lang. More than that, I want to buy time for myself. If I do not find my new boss as a partner, I may just work my way out. Ganoon na din naman kase. Sa office, I feel I have I have the institutional authority already. It is either I guard it or let the new people come and take over, or worse just erase our office's institutional history. I cannot let the organization go to waste, go into the hands of the tyrants. 

So where is this leading me? On a more personal note, I will just wait for my principals to decide on the next steps. If I take charge the program, the funny thing is, kahit wala naman yung current boss ko, it is proceeding as planned. If I take charge the program, it's a big shoes to fill but I am confident naman (confident kase nga yung boss ko naman is essentially absentia for the longest time, imagine taga sign lang siya!) 

As I am writing this, it's all blank bordering nonchalant for me. Nangingibabaw yung mga personal setbacks / plans ko naman. Nangingibabaw yung mga moments ko sa recent kong pagbisita sa Manila. Nangingibabaw yung pamangkin ko ang galing mag drawing and I am hoping na sana maging artist siya paglaki. 

Ganoon siguro pag matanda ka na, alam mo na rin naman kung hanggang saan ang pinaglalaban mo. A welcome development for me.

Some Hard Truths Manifesto

1. Wala tayong maaasahan kundi sarili natin. So I better take care of myself and I take care of myself more. Pero hindi ito sapat na dahilan para hindi maging humble. Humingi ng tulong kung kinakailangan. 'Ask and you shall receive'. Busy na ang mga tao at hindi nila nababasa ang saloobin ko kaya sabihin natin. 'Ask and you shall receive' at kung mareject, then move on and huwag magtanim ng hinanakit. Diyan nadodown ang halos lahat ng tao, ang mag expect. At iyan di ang ugali ko minsan, nageexpect ako sa mga tao - to somehow 'take care of me'. 

Napaka ironic minsan. I have been living independently for all of my life yet I still find myself of wanting to take care of myself more. It is almost like an unending project. Totoo naman kase. The self is a lifetime project. Self-care is such a big word. The most important thing for now for me are 'the life tools and skills at my disposal' and the 'discipline' to live through it. Hindi naman nagkulang magpayo ang mundo sa atin kung ano ang puwede nating gawin to take care of ourselves. Most of the time, it is just the managing part of it and the resolve to make it happen.

 

2.  Life Honeymooning is Over. Life Reset Now. For almost most parts of my young adult life (23-44), go with the flow lang ako despite being vulnerable din. Parang mauubusan lagi ng pera. Parang ang dami nating patutunayan sa life, sa madlang people. Pero parang ang daming shortcomings? How did I arrive to this perspective na most of the time I subscribe? It is really childhood/ early adult trauma. Isama mo na ang mga hindi natin nakumpletong life projects. Puro na lang tayo trabaho. I feel like I am trapped in this cycle. I do not feel the 'life growth' anymore. Ang tagal na nating ganito ang estado. Marami akong sinisisi. Like Covid. Like family. Like failed friendships. Like failing career. Like myself. Last year was a revelation. Dami nating detox sa therapy. And I am proud of it. And I am coming to terms. 

3. Treat your life as a project and plan it out otherwise others will plan and do it for you and you will definitely not like it. I am not starting from scratch. Excited ako sa mga plano natin this year. Naka excel sheet naman na. Nasulat na, nakapost it pa. I am investing in my alternative career / passion project.  Long term din ang pagtingin. I am casting a wide net. I can be ambitious and smart about it. I have faith. 'In God's own good time,' 'In his own good time'. For now, I am singing Barbra Streisand's Don't Rain on My Parade. 

January The Month That Was

1. It is that time of the year na magfoform ka ng expectations, magsusulat ka ng mga plano. Maglilista ka ng mga resolutions. Ok rin sa akin yun kesa naman wala. I like planning. I like moving forward. I am on the side na mas ok pa rin na magplan ka for yourself or else other will plan it for you and most of the time you won't like it all. Kaya heto mga bucket lists, here and there. Most of them are carried out from last year. Some of them compliance. Others kumoconcept. Overall, it is focus, faith, hope and grace I need to carry so that most of my bucket lists will be achieved this year. As for the list, no grand plans. Pinaka effort na yata yung mga photo book and some travel, na tied naman sa work ko.  

2. Siyempre nagplaplano din ang opisina. Of late, walang bukam bibig ang boss ko kundi maghanap na daw kami ng pera for funding our activities since sinabihan na kami ng city hall. And my exaggerated self in me is saying baka magsara na kami (na malayo pa naman mangyari). And honestly, ang pangit lang ng bungad ng taon kung ganoon ang vibrations. Well, it is just business as usual. 

What is actually frustrating is malalaman mo din talaga na swerte mo na lang din kung kasama ka sa mga plano nila and all the time, hindi. Yung boss ko - hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga pinaglalaban niya? Nag life catch up kami and I realized na weak ang foundation niya. Inaasa lang niya sa iba ang groundwork, and that even includes her career. I do not know if she has some ownership to begin with. Kaya of late sa work, I cannot overcommit. I am in my closing in, closing out phase. Napaparesign lang ako. Will I resign this year? I can but I am not ready. The thing is no one is really ready. 

3. I started to run, like in a threadmill. Not running fast pero ok na rin ang 30 minutes. I started going to the gym, twice to thrice a week. Nagzuzumba pag Monday which is my highlight. Then tambay sa gym on some days, at least 1-2 hours. I like it. It gives me a sense of routine. Plus maganda ang gym. May pa sauna at mini pool. Masarap talagang tumakbo. And yes, my running playlist is budotz mix. It helps. I intend this to be a habit. No excuses. Kuarentahin na ang lola mo. My goal is to at least spend 50 hours in a gym this year which is about three months. Extend natin yan pero for now, kumpletuhin muna natin. 

4. Hindi na pala ako lumipat ng bahay. Maraming factors - lack of time, nagbakasyon din ako ng matagal noong holiday kaya hindi ko na naasikaso. Somehow, ok na rin naman. Wala naman increase sa rent, which is a good deal. At wala na rin akong makakahanap ng ganito ka mura din at kaaccessible. I just need to make most out of it. At yung masasave ko naman, pang gastos na lang sa iba. Last year, i was thinking this would be the big change, and this would help me reduce my depression. Pero tinamad na din. And more than tinamad, again, the practical side of things. 

For now, I am just busy moving things para magfeeling bago ang vibes. I am also decluterring and trying not to add some home stuffs anymore.   

  

 

  

Full of One

1. So kamusta naman na? This holiday is kakaiba. Nagdecide kami with some of the fam to spend Christmas in Bangkok. Naenjoy naman. Nagenjoy din bulsa ko, kaloka. On a more personal note, I am happy kase I got to spend time with my Mom out of country and we talked some plans in the coming years. Matanda na rin si Mama and we are catching up on the lost time. One thing I realize is puwede at kaya naman pala mag out of town as long as the logistics are planned well. May kasama din kaming pamangkin so there are many considerations. Well for one thing, we did not DIY. Halos lahat di sundo at pa private tour. That is where the preparation takes the details. I needed to consider the hotel's vibes as well. Naitawid naman namin. I also got to have as much sleep. Yung schedule naman namin is not mala Amazing Race. Maka quota kami ng isang activity per day, ok na. Usually for dinner sa hotel na lang. I intend to organize a yearly event. It may not always be outside the country pero consistent dapat.

2. At nagpaiwan na rin ako dito. I like Bangkok. It's like Manila with triple upgrade. Sometimes I see myself making a living here. Supposedly babalik na ako sa Seoul but then naisip ko, malamig, naka leave naman ako, or puwede naman akong mag work from home and honestly, I do not like feeling celebrating my yearender there. Somehow I do not like seeing my friends there rin muna. Parehas lang naman na magisa ako almost all the time, eh dito na lang. So far, bedrotting and doomscrolling haha. Ewan ko, most of the time I am here in bkk, I do not usually plan in details. Basta ok na sa akin na malapit sa MRT/ BTS and I can go anywhere I like. My plan is to just get the sense of calmness and gratitude and renewal in the coming year. 

3. There is a lot to be grateful in 2025 with all its challenges and gains. I am just grateful na nalampasan natin ang mga hanash. Work was steady. Health was steady but needs more effort. Sa aspetong financial, nagkakautang pero nababayaran naman kalaunan. 

But one aspect na hindi natin makakaila this year was working out my mental state of mind. Six months din tayong pabalik balik sa counseling center. I showed up with the hope that I keep myself at bay with all my anxiety, fear, and ruminations and self pity. I was bored, challenged, chronically dissatisfied. I was resenting for no reasons. Kulang na lang kumanta ako ng Reflection (more of Christina Aguilera's Version), 'Who is that girl I see, staring straight at me, back at me?' Kaloka but true. 

As I cap off my year, I realize that most of the time this year, I just chose to not exert effort. I procrastinated. I simply chose not to do, not to pursue things. I made a lot of personal excuses. I made a lot of time planning, sorting out. I overhwhelmed and overcommitted. I put everything in half-baked. Kung makumpleto naman, dinadownplay agad and I do not cherish enough. And I know this is not true and this is also being unfair to myself. 

4. I realized that I had been 'full of myself'. I miss the 'hard work'. I miss taking chances. I miss my myself thriving, vibrant, my gayness. Yung hindi ka takot magkamali. Namiss kong maging maganda. At feeling ko, I  have been shit talking for most of the time this year. Again, alam ko naman that this is not true. This is also being unfair to myself. Feeling ko maraming nawalang opportunities sa akin or nag stall muna because of I took care of my mental state. Nag rest muna ako. Nag steady ng routine. I just let it flow. Sabi ng therapist ko, If I think maraming nawala sa akin this year because of depression, can it also be true na marami ka ding na gain when I decided to work out of my depression? 

5. What did I gain? I gained a sense of peace and resolve. I gained a sense of calmness and continuous healing. I feel braver because I showed up. I feel more confident because I accepted to become vulnerable. One thing that struck me in our sessions was she said that depression is not a label, but it is a feeling. Just like any other feeling, it is fleeting. Almost a fleeting year.  I think and feel I become a better person this year, in all honesty.  

Lessons Learned 2025

1. 'I never felt alone' and I am really living alone. For the first time since I do not know when. It is the big reveal. Talaga palang magisa pala talaga ako dito. The reality knocks hard on me. Minsan malungkot. Pero the truth is it is really more on managing myself that is the biggest challenge. Sabi nga nila, when no one is looking, I am as free. But same goes as well as when no one is looking, I can be the most vulnerable. 

The challenge is how to manage myself. It is just ironic that I seem to have all the time yet a genuine time for myself is still found wanting. There were moments I prayed hard and harder to keep my faith back. I felt like my faith has gone out of the window. The pressure to self has become so unnecessary. So what do I do? I live day by day, trying to get away from whatever distractions as much as possible. And keep the discipline and flow.    

2. Friends are leaving. For now. People change. That is the hard truth. Friends have different phases in their lives. They change. Tanggap ko naman na. May nangiiwan. May hindi na nagpaparamdam. My regret? Minsan iniisip ko why did I spend a lot of time with them, what for?, I know this is a not a good attitude, and that is the sad part. Understanding is harder. And I am trying to understand. But then the hinanakit. Yung being truthful. Puwede naman magpaalam. Well, some people will not give you that privilege. Siguro, it is more on being honest. Well again some people will not give you that privilege either. So what do I do? I remain open. Mahirap din naman na magpakabitter. I pray for more understanding because I do not. How I wish I have more genuine friends in the future, which I will like to work on. I miss being Miss Friendship. I miss being Miss Congeniality.  

3. Transformation. I do not know. Para akong naging mas seryoso, mas naging deliberate, intentional, negiotiating. 2025 has been the year of so many questions. Kulang na lang tanungin ko din sa sarili ko ang 'Where lies my future?' which was natanong ko din pala. Kaloka. Andoon pa rin yung uncertainty, precarity, yung feeling ko konti na lang oras natin yet I still cannot believe I could accomodate a lot of crap into my life, missed opportunities, incomplete tasks, unnecessary habits, people who do not even deserve my attention. Marami rami pa din naman. And then, nagising na lang ako isang araw na, what the hell, Now I feel blank? What do I do? What have I been doing? Where are my passions? Where are my favorite things? Puro na lang tayo trabaho? Nasaan na ang paglalandi? What am I doing? I need to do things that matter to me?! So mga ganyang drama. 

4.  Tuloy pa rin naman ang appointment ko sa pyschiatrist ko. I like our moments. at naisip ko lang, kailan kaya matatapos ang depression ko? At medyo, tanggap ko na rin naman na medyo matatagalan and I can only hope that I be healed soon. On a personal note, I feel fine living with it for now as long as I take care of it and be kind to it. Looking back, what if I did not choose this path? What If I had not visited the clinic? Saan na kaya ako ngayon?

It seems like wala akong urgency to heal. I know this takes time. Sabi ko nga I may as well write a book or make a creative project, para maging productive man lang. Well, I have some project ideas as early as late this year. I must say my condition is better now than July. I am on my road to healing.Sabi nga ni Mariah, 'Nothing is Impossible' and I am 'Here For It All' 

Small Wins

'Something is not fine'. Ito ang kataga ng aking therapist on my first day of counseling. I intended to continue my therapy again this year. Took a backseat early this year because of other schedules. Early this week, I went to the foreign residents' center, filled up the form and after a week, I got an appointment. Before I knew it, I was at the clinic, waiting for my session. 

It is a safe space, reassuring and at least for five sessions, I have to attend, otherwise magbabayad ako and it is not cheap. And/or worse, I won't reach my objectives. 'To be honest, I do not expect something out of these sessions' sabi ko. 'Maybe later, but for now, there have really been a lot of unprecedented emotions and I need a safe space. I need a professional', sabi ko pa. After the 50-min. session, I came out mentally exhausted, really mentally exhausted that I wanted to savor it at ayoko pang umuwi ng bahay. Naglakad pa ako ng konti, nag self-debrief. I felt brave that night. I felt tired but hopeful. Napakavulnerable ko lang lately, napaka emotional, napakasensitive, and I know it is going to linger for a while. Maybe it is just fine. But from a professional's point of view, something is not. Still small win that I knock on the clinic's door. 

I paid all my dues this year. At least as far as my social security is concern. Para matapos na rin. Must I say hindi naman tayo mayaman at forever middle class tayo in my Filipino lifetime, kaya kahit papaano, ang mga government-related insurance, update update din pag may time for some safety net purposes. I feel proud pag binabayaran ko ang taxes, sss, pag-ibig, real property tax at kung ano pang government obligations. Parang napaka useful ko sa society kahit alam naman natin na napakalaki ng utang sa akin ng gobyerno when it comes to quality of living. Clean ang dues natin this year so small win. 

Told my bff, I have been thinking of Eat, Pray, Love vibes lately. Just really feeling it, something new, something personal, something that is healing on some life's deep regrets. This constant need of searching. No judgement. Everyone goes through phases. Some unfortunate ones may not even know it. For now, I just want to stay curious, rediscover things that I love and record as many beautiful moments. 

I do not know. Small wins help to get through the day. Sometimes, I feel I am running out of time. Do I even have to try or just go with the flow. Maraming magbabago at least in the next five years. I must brave these changes - both intended and by Grace. 'Change is not a choice. Not for me. It just happens and you are different' (Susan Orleans, Adaptation)   

2025, after almost five months

• Puro tayo trabaho, here and there. I feel the threshold. I feel the impatience. But of course, I feel the fulfilment. There are a lot of things on my work-life plate. Anxiety has been a regular visitor. Minsan pag sanay ka na na si anxiety bisita mo, mawawala na rin naman kalaunan. Kaloka. Short of becoming numb. Pero minsan iba pa rin si manay anxiety, mostly being triggered by expectations, tasks, hitsura ng mga nega vibes sa paligid ko or simply random rumination. 
  
  So one time nag brain dump session ako. Linista ko lahat, unfiltered, all things that preoccupy me, non stop. It does not matter kahit yung paghugas ng baso, linista ko na rin. I feel light after. I feel bliss afterwards. After few minutes, I look at the list. Then I prioritize it. Move here and there. I make some deadlines. Kind deadline that is, not rushing. Then I choose three tasks of the day- whatever level of difficulty it has. Kahit magtapon ng basura, isang task na yan for me. Only three. Bonus na ang four. Then I do nothing. Lol. This works for me for some time now. I am just glad that I have grown with this method. Of course hindi naman perfect ang implementation. Nalilihis pa rin naman but I keep on trying and what matters is it is working.  
  
  
• I realized that it has been a year of questions lately. I do not intend to answer them soon. I pray for patience and for every day grounding. One time in my random doomscrolling, I chanced upon this guy who said that everytime he is faced with a lot of questions, he just says Bahala Na. Nagkaroon ako tuloy ng epiphany. It has been sometime that I heard this phrase again. It strikes me that this is a powerful and organic framing for me. I know may mga negative connotation din ang Bahala Na. But on the other hand this is a tool that will help you get through. I promise to use Bahala Na in a more positive way, in a more empowering way. Bahala Na that lets you give space for the Universe to work its magic. Bahala Na that lets you do what is good and diligent enough and let the Universe work its part. Alam ko marami na naman tayong tanong, let's work it out one by one, pero Bahala Na si Batman, kumbaga.
  
  
• So what do I do now? I do not know. I will take a step at a time. Perhaps less expectations na rin sa mga tao. My social life here is kind of dwindling. For example, mahirap na rin kitain mga kaibigan ko dito sa Seoul. Lumalabnaw na rin ang mga pagkikita. Pahirapan pa sa mga yayaan. Hindi pa magtugma sa schedule. Tama nga ang sinabi na successful friendships also depend on what life stages you and your friends are. Rare chance na magkaroon ka ng friend na papunta ka pa lang, pabalik na siya. Either you share interests or mag effort talaga kayo. Mga Titas of Seoul, iba't iba na rin ang mga issues and I cannot relate and sometimes, bad vibes na rin. I remain open. What matters for now is I remain open. In one of my lonely moments here, I told myself, 'I guess you are on your own now'. It is lonely and I recognize it. Well, Bahala Na si Batman.  

Bazi Reading Lectures by Chat GPT. For Keeps.

• Energy management - purposeful breaks, optimize energy level, and limit digital exposure! 
• Track execution not only ideas. Start your visibility now but quietly. No loud marketing. 
• Reposition your expertise, refine your focus, and take calculated actions
• Stop chasing New Starts. Elevate your current experience!
• Career- Where in your industry are there gaps that you can fill? 
• Transition is an upgrade not a failure. 
• You thrive when being selective about your inputs (in short, choose your effort na). External information distracts/ destabilizes you easily. 
• Consistent, gentle actions beat dramatic moves. Small, steady progress rather than all or nothing energy. 
• You absorb other's energy easily. 
• Success is in consistent small wise steps not sudden storms. Nourish your energy and build ground up patiently. 
• To build more Earth, speak slower, pause before responding in conversations, slowing speech centers your mind.
• To balance Metal, declutter one thing per day. No massive decluttering. Allow 20% open space in your daily plans. 
• Need to Build More Earth - grounding, slowing, eating warm foods, and gentle movements. 
• Need to Balance Metal - decluttering slowly, soft routines, breathe space into your discipline.
• Small visibility acts that are consistent and confident. Quite confidence rather than loud marketing.
• Charm magnetism when grounded and intentional. Posture that is shoulder down and core engaged. Walk slower with intention. Clean look becoming magnetic. Whisper in style. 
•  Energy is most expressive, optimum from late morning to mid afternoon. Schedule important conversations, presentations, networking
• Evenings - low key charms, inner work, and 1:1 connection
• Break tasks into weekly sprints. 80% ready is enough, do not wait for perfection. More output means more leverage. 
• Recognition lag -> document wins and communicate your contributions
• Extra patience to yourself. Do not rush/ act without processing the inner flow. 
• Self-core reflections rather than overloading oneself. 
• Three key tasks per day not a huge to do list. Slow, steady wins
• To improve Earth energy, stability over excitement. To improve Metal energy, precision over rush. Small daily wins over big moves.  
• Reinforce grounding over fluctuating emotions. Stick to routines to two-three habits/ tasks a day. Nourishment, rest, and clean space. Quie power in style, poise, and language. 
• Do not based on urge to do more. One main project per week. Three priorities per day. 
• Era of small wins and consistency. Concrete, repeatable actions that strengthen grounding, charm, productivity, and emotional resilience. 
• Energy glow guide - Short, elegant piece weekly, 500-700 words weekly. Charm boosting habits. Quiet magnetism.
• Deepen family/ foundation based actions. Charmed routine, tidying, and self care. 
• Silent influence. Avoid overperforming. Quiet Confidence. 

2025

How has the new year been? January is for some reflection. It extends until February because of my birth month. And there are work, catch up with friends in between. Ang dami ding kalat na dapat ayusin that they are calling me! I realize I have a 'lot of stuff', small stuff. Who needs a fabric freshener and a knee support?!, pakshet. 

The thing with me is I am more of utilitarian(?) when I buy stuff. Kailangan talaga gamitin at gamitin agad, ubusin, maluma at pag di na magamit, say a little prayer :), then itapon (may mga exceptions like...books). Sa madaling salita, di ko siya ginagamit! It is just madaming kalat. I have almost a week's worth of holiday to at significantly reduce all these kalat, to organize, gamitin, idispense what is not bringing me joy, at ubusin at itapon. 

How has the new year been?  I have been thinking a lot. Birthday blues. The tendency for me is to alienate though. Just having a routine and doom scroll. We have our seasons and winter time is one of those that the self overthinks and hibernates at the same time. Minsan mindset lang naman yan. Minsan you just feel the lethargy and let it flow. 

This week, I dreamt of Papa. I was hugging him. I said I will be back home by June this year. June because that is my first planned vacation. Hindi ko kasi nabisita baka nagtampo. hehe. More than that, it is a sign. It is a sign to go to back to my core, return to my center. Nalilihis na ako. There is so much things on my plate at bawasan na din naman. 

Reprioritize and take care of myself. Sometimes I fulfil so many small parts that I feel disconnected and I lose the big picture. I am losing the big picture. Last time, I felt I had been mocking myself for no reason. I felt I have not been taking care of myself seriously. Sometimes, I feel nagmamadali for no reason. Attention deficit. And it just saddened me for a fact that why do I do it? And that is the time I have become more vulnerable. Why? I also do not know. It's either I am bored with my life or there is just this chronic dissatisfaction that I need to heal. But what I know is I am trying my best to live a sense of purpose. And what is clear is I need to reduce things on my plate to clear out my head and not lose the big picture. What to let go- what's not working, what's not giving me joy, the temporary joys that do not contribute to the big picture. 

The Plan. This year, there has to be consistency and routine. Marami ding mga friends na bibisita sa akin. It will be fun and memorable. Before they come in, makapagresearch na nga din ng mga bago dito City. Sabi ko sa officemate ko, ano ang plano mo this year? sabi ko gusto ko matutong magluto, mga domestic hacks (like seriously hindi ko alam ang concept ng circuit breaker ano ho), mga upskilling and reskilling (kung kailangan maggantsilyo at buhayin ang plant tita levels), mag self publish, buhayin ang natutulog na career, mga ganoong levels. Siya naman daw gusto niya iacquire na yung EU citizenship niya. O di ba? Nahiya naman tayo sa mga goals natin, haha. I do have some big plans - start renovating the family house (maglagay ng Buddha garden (na ayaw ni Mama dahil ibang god daw si Buddha, sabi ko hindi siya god (sa next blog na to, haha), travel with my fam, magipon dahil maglilipat na ako ng residence (at malaki na), magtravel for food (concept travel, here I come), mag self publish with bongang bongang pseudonym (try ko ito) at magbenta ng St. Peter! (yes, agent na po ako, haha) 

On a serious note, maganda din naman na there is something to look forward to. Isn't it divine that we are capable to look forward to something, to hope?

The Plan. Less distraction and just get things done and document my events. Marami tayong selfies this year. Eme. I will be kinder to myself. I will.

Some 2024 YearEnder Feels.

Hindi pa tapos ang taon pero gusto ko na magsara ng tindahan. Besides, wala naman tayong standard na sinusunod. I will be meeting a friend later na malapit sa office, so andito tayo sa office on a weekend, all by myself. Gusto ko magorganize ng mga documents, magshred ng mga papel, at magmoment lang sa desk ko amid the silence.

 So how has it been 2024 for me? Siyempre madaming feels. Isa isahin natin.

No. 1. It is the year na feel ko na bumagsak talaga ang katawan ko. Nag age ang aking katawang lupa. Nagka hypertension. May maintenance na. Ubo ng ubo. Mabilis ang mood swings. Feeling ko ang bagal ko ng kumilos. Mas lumabo ang mata. Dumami ang wrinkles. And in summary, tumanda talaga ako, sa isip, diwa at sa gawa eme. 

Menopause na ba ito? (Andropause mih eme). So here we are nagpapakahealthy. Move and jog and yoga as much as I can. Kape once a day na lang or none at all. Ubusin muna natin yung mga kahon na mga tsaa na binigay sa atin na ayoko naman itapon na lang. And equally important, also my emotional and menal states, I feel the ‘lie low’. Mas gusto ko na sa bahay muna ako as much as possible at least one full day on a weekend. Ok na sa akin ang walking around the neighborhood or yung mga 15 minutes away from  my residence lang ang drama kung gusto kong lumabas. 

No. 2. Emotions had taken me over, sabi nga ni Bee Gees and ni manay Beyonce. Mabilis tayong mainis at naging impatient sa mga bagay bagay. And yes, nagsusungit  minsan especially when I am alone na may mga moments na, ‘Ganito na ba talaga ito?’. Do not get me wrong, it was not directed to any person. But more on a generalized conditions. There is the impatience, chronic pagkayamot, or just plain uninterested. It makes me sad. Why? Because hindi ko mafigure out. This year, umiyak tayo sa boss natin ng dahil sa allowance. Sabi ng boss ko na may malaking dahilan bakit ako umiyak at yan ay pagod sa trabaho at hindi sa allowance. Pag binalikan ko tuloy, nagmukha tayong irrational, and yes, napagod tayo sa trabaho on a deeper level and to think second quarter pa lang yun. I actually think of going back to counseling again this winter to keep me at bay. 

No. 3. Lumabnaw ang social circles. Naging busy ang mga tao. Kanya kanyang priorities muna. Here, mga tita friends ko, instead of magkape at mag lunch out altogether on a routine basis, sari sarili munang schedule. Yung pinaka leader ate atehan namin, nagtayo na ng tindahan kaya hindi na siya mahatak anytime. On the other hand, something to look forward to kase tambayan kahit medyo effort pag punta. Narealize ko kailangan na natin iactivate ang pagiging Miss Friendship natin besides natural naman tayong Miss Friendship. In a genuine way ha yung hindi naman pilit. Yes, I felt alone and got bored. 

No. 4. Money. Medyo hindi natin na manage ang budget. Wala naman tayong loan for this year. Hindi naman tayo negative. But more on the spend as it tayo for today’s vidyow. Nothing wrong with that and empowering naman siya. I just feel like would have been better if I have a little bit more money at nagagamit ko talaga mga purchases ko ng maayos. Minsan kase tapon lang or matagal bago gamitin. Yung social security natin isang taon ng walang hulog. 

Sabi ko naachieve ko na yata ang materiality level ko sa lagay na ito. I may not have my own home. I won’t have a car. I will just inherit my family’s properties. I do not even have a watch. And it’s fine! haha. So, Lord, ibigay mo na lang sa akin ang comfortable and fulfilling life at iupgrade natin ito step by step with a little bit more money on board. 

No. 5. Most of the time I am just busy doing Life and that’s how it is. I need to consolidate, to work and use what’s available around me and celebrate. This year, I have lost focus on bigger things. And it’s been flat. Much as it is fine and ‘routine’ pero need naman natin mag look forward at iwork out and mag take risks on some of the things we hold dear. Yung mga pangmalakasang life projects natin, concept pa rin. Yes, I realize that we think we have time pero actually we have less time. Ang bilis bilis na ng oras for me. Maglinis lang ng banyo, inaabot na ako ng siyam siyam. 

No. 6. In 2024, namiss ko yung pagka bakla in the most meaningful way possible, yung konting paandar. Eh natural naman tayong taglay na magpaandar haha. I think it will be a little less boring and more exciting for me if i can add a little more flair to my Bridget Jones' Life. So, here’s to again to the flair, perseverance and zest hereon and beyond because I feel that’s the way it is.  

When lost, there is the evergreen pep talk with Caroline Myss

'Choices are powerful. And that's the reason why we're stuck, we're terrified of its consequences, we're terrified because we're going to be held accountable' and that is why we cannot choose. So here are the choices that can change my Life. 

1. A decision to make an integrous life. I am going to live with integrity. Integrity means not just honest to others but honest to oneself. Not going to betray myself. Not going to put myself in a circumstance where I put people to please me. Liars do not heal.  People who blame others do not heal. Being a good person is not enough. Life is a major deal. You have to get the Life Act together. 

2. A decision to pass my wisdom and not suffering. Life is never fair, and that is how the great spiritual traditions have long confirmed! Healing is never about forgetting. Turn the process of healing into source of wisdom and not woe. Wisdom or woe? 

3. A decision to take risk. One will always have a regret stage anyway. How many of our greatest fears have actually happened? How many of our most wonderful things has happened? Do not take the safe path. Do not look back for guidance. Do not look for over to chart New. Be in the Newness. 

4. A decision to choose new words. If you really have to yank a word or two, what would those words be, words that you would not utter yourself again. Words are powerful and they influence energy within and around you.  For me, 'Hate, Blame, Should'. It is not easy but I make progress. 

5. A decision to get up every day and to bless your day. Not based on what you have or what you feel but because you are. Just as you are. Today will never come the same exact way again. Be in the Present Moment and Be thankful just as you are. 

What I Miss

Early Friday morning. Taking a day off to take a slow day. Magtratrabaho lang din naman ng konti kalaunan. Magblog na lang nga muna. 

I miss the hard work. I miss the self-discipline. It has been a while. Ano ba itong pinagagawa ko? Of late, I cannot help but think that I need some break. A prolonged break. And I say I won't be able to afford it. And I say I do not know what to do with it. There is this sense of blank wall and it is becoming futile. It is almost like I am running out of options. Bored or just plain recovering since I just got a week from a mission. 

I miss myself. Yung konting pa deep na missing myself level. I miss doing what I like to do, love to do, passionate to do. I cannot even complete watching a Netflix movie. I must admit that it can sometimes be hard to looking forward to the day. In denial pa rin ako na well, if you're adult, you're still very much responsible for yourself especially if no one is around you.

I miss my productive self. Nagrereklamo palagi na after work ay pagod na tayo at wala na tayong energy to venture for more, mapasaang bagay. Most of the time, pagdating sa bahay, nakabuyangyang na lang tayo. Deserve naman natin ang some slack. I miss the zest. Or is this plain denial na busy lang talaga ako and I do not manage my time well. 

I miss the focus. Daming distractions lately. Mostly from social media, doom scrolling. Just this week, may dalawa akong na overlap na schedules na meeting. Naitawid naman. Dami lang detalye minsan sa opisina kahit maliit na bagay minsan tumatakaw ng oras. Alam naman natin na di masisiksik ang lahat ng bagay sa isang araw. Alam naman natin ang iba't ibang time management tools. Kaya heto I am practicing time blocking. Baka mag improve naman sana ang focus ko. 

I miss my friends. Just really 'exhaling' with them over a coffee, dinner, or some vacation. I miss meeting new ones. Miss Friendship naman tayo.

And I miss my Gayness, my pagkabakla! Hindi na tayo nakakalandi. Hindi na tayo makabili ng floral shirts, puro na lang itim or plain color. Hindi na tayo makafacial or maka gym. I really do miss my gayness. Ang bakla kong tao pero wala man lang akong flower vase sa room ko. Patingin tingin lang ako sa Daiso. I am becoming boring but I am not a boring person. I just miss what it feels like to be beautiful inside and out. 

What this boils down to: Sige lang, push lang. Pasasaan din yan. Paulit ulit na pagpersevere hanggang sa mareach natin ang mga hanash natin sa buhay. Then push ulit. Landiin natin ang buhay. Hindi naman ibig sabihin for sex. Essentially, it is the art and joy of living. Konting arte lang din. Na miss ko na ang pagiging Maarte! Baka makatulong. Gusto lang naman natin na mag thrive. Gusto lang naman natin maging at peace with myself. 

Muni Muni Mid Year

 1. I was out of country for a month for a long mission. Most of my mission was in my Home. Little did I know it could be one of the most stressful, more than the physical, but on an emotional and mental level. Ang tagal ko ng ginagawa ito at confident na dapat ako sa mga ganitong aspeto. Wala naman palya sa mga naging lakad namin. But I think I snapped, or triggered. Or I let my emotions taking me over. 

2. One trigger was money. I was running low on my budget and the office did not give us an allowance (I share some fault). I did not prepare for it. Nasira pa mga credit cards at naiwan pa mga cash ko sa Seoul. I must admit I was making a big deal out of nothing of a big deal. Unless may bibilhin tayong kotse along the way. I have long realized why do I have this kind of attitude? And it is not healthy. I realize it can boil down to planning. And really just sticking to the essentials, which I did all along after the mission. 

3. Another trigger was home. I went Home. And my sister was leaving Home . Nagspend muna ako ng mga ilang araw sa Bikol, spending quality time with my frenemy niece and my sister and my mom. Then spending in my home, there is so much to do, so much to repair, so much to improve. It can be exciting. I can look forward to it. But at the onset, I felt, 'anong gagawin ko dito?' I could not connect anymore. There is no one to talk to except my family and relatives. It can be boring. I got emotionally stressed on the prospect. I worry about my ageing mom. At pasaan pa, kargo ko din ang mag manage ng household. All I could do is to lift them up to the Universe. I feel a blank canvas. Perhaps that is what makes it exciting and accepting and calming at the same time. 

4. Masakit pa rin ang wrist natin. It is healing though. Sa pagmamadali pagkuha ng luggage, parang nabalian ako ng buto. Buti naman at wala as per doctor. It happened while offloading our luggages at the airport. Then I became really pissed off. 'Bakit ba ako nagmamadali?, Ito namang mga kasama ko sa biyahe, wala naman silang pakialam!'. I realized that ayoko silang kasama. Napapagod ako sa kakaalala sa kanila when in fact, they won't care. Now this is this misplaced privilege. That is the problem. When I travel with my colleagues, I feel it is rather really more of a responsibility. I do not get to enjoy it. Then I  realized I do am mentally, emotionally tired, needing a bit of a prolonged rest. 

5. That was my boss believed - that I need to rest, I became too stressed with the mission, doubly stressed because the mission work was home. And the fact that I could not see myself going back to the Philippines yet. And I am not ready but I already made a decision. Early this week, I had a long lunch with her. I became emotional. Lumuluha ako habang linalabas ko ang frustration ko sa opisina. The trigger was the allowance that could have given to us before the travel. She did not believe me somehow. 'Paulie, the allowance was just mere 20% (nung kwinenta ko, halos 6k lang lol). She believed said I needed to rest. In hindsight, hindi ko masabi sa boss ko na 'I have not really been feeling it lately these days.' Minsan it can be a generalized condition for me. In the end, It's me who will take matters on my own hands. 

6. Gusto ko yung Inside Out 2. One of the better movies of recent. Daming takeaways. I can really relate as far as emotions are concern. It struck me when there was a scene that essentially means we get to choose our emotions and not the other way around. Or at least manage well. Another was indeed, pagadult ka na, you may be feeling less joy. The antidote to anxiety is really joy. joy and sadness are intertwined. anger  and disgust can be tricky. paandar naman si nostalgia. anxiety can only be positive on the measures that you can control. What i realize is emotions can be healthy. And as we grow old, emotions can really help us navigate our lives as long as we're honest to ourselves.

7. So where lies in the next months ahead. Tuloy pa rin ang trabaho at tuloy pa rin ang mga hanash. Gusto ko mag slow down at magconserve ng energy. And frankly, I do not know what this means. But I need to venture out, jumpstarting my personal projects, completing most of them and tidying up. Searching as many good opportunities and reskilling myself. Yeah, we're in this endless cycle of life regenerating and rejuvenating. A step at a time. 

Up Close & Personal Manifesto

I cannot let go

I cannot let go this independence that I have worked on for many years. I deserve this kind of lifestyle, I will take care of this because it has already become a vocation. It comes with both a challenge and fulfillment and grace. 

I cannot let go of the foundation that I have built in my profession. I have entered into this sphere and all I need is to enrich and expand and strengthen my resolve. I cannot let go of my dream of becoming a sociologist. I cannot let go of expanding my dream as as a development work. 

I cannot let go of the many years I have invested in my work, in my time. I wont let it go to ‘waste’. 

I cannot let go of my own brand. It reflects my personal integrity. It reflects my honesty and credibility. I value diligence and professionalism. 

I cannot give up all these possibilities that present before me. This unceasing chance to become a person who can be better each day. 

I give up this desire to be looking for affirmation. Period. Only I can affirm with myself. 

I give up of this desire that I need to be recognized. I am only as good as my last work. 

I give up on the idea to control people and demand on the standards based on my perception. I will be instead empowering and inspiring and smart by way of deeds and negotiation. And most of the time, I will just genuinely do not care. 

I give up on this desire to fancying putting so much order in my life then feeling all the misplaced excitement and ended up devaluing my effort. Instead, I will do it with grace, with diligence and kindness. I will just simply let it flow. 

Mayo Uno Muni Muni

Walang pasok. Magblog na nga lang muna 😁.  So heto ano na ba mga ganap natin lately. 

1. Masakit ang katawan. Thank you Universe at consistent ako sa pag commit to attend yoga class. It has been a month and after eight sesssions, I am still feeling it. Thank you din kase magaling ang aking teacher and she motivates me. The yoga class is small and I sometimes end up having one on one session with her. The good thing is she speaks English. The not so good thing is that the bodyaches like at this moment. Ewan ko ba, I feel my body is ageing. I can feel it. I can sense it. I need to listen to it and take time to recover. And the recovery may take while. 

But I commit to attending yoga for the rest of the year. I told my teacher na ang goal ko talaga why I attend yoga is to improve my mental clarity, my well-bieing. I feel alive when I do yoga. I feel high and my focus and clarity improve.  It is a long way for sure. But I just keep trying. My short term goal is to complete 30 hours of yoga this year. My long-term goal is to learn yoga and attend yoga classes abroad as early as next year. 

2. Maduming Bahay. Ang kalat kalat natin lately. Ang tamad nating maglinis, magtapon ng basura. Parang kailangan ko pa bang mag one-week leave para maglinis sa bahay na to? Eme. Sometimes I wish can I just hire a househelp na maging katuwang ko to clean my room. ' Sa ganyang kaliit, maghahanap ka pa ng cleaner', haha. The hard truth is I am just plain tamad and I am making all the excuses. Rinoromanticize ko ang pagaayos, haha. Well, let's see how this goes. My goal is to just do it. Usually what I do is small steps. I start in one corner then spread out. Honestly, I can 'deep clean' my room in three hours pero it takes a freakin' lifetime for me. Let's see today kase bakasyon naman.  

3. The Idea of Change. I have longed for stability but always change is on the looming and yes, it can be a way of life for some who live in a precarious situation like me. I do not know if I can still muster enough strength if I happen to be in a position again where everything is in transition or if I can just go along with it. It can get feel trapped while working here, while living here. But on the other hand, it can feel liberating and secure.  I can only manage and balance the expectations. At the least, be grateful. 'Kung ano ang ibinibigay na nakalaan saiyo, walang labis, walang kulang.' These reassuring words. Minsan I question my fate. Questioning why I still feel I want more. And honestly, it is not really a good attitude. I can still make changes. And it can still lead somewhere better, always for the better. Everyone deserves the happiness. Along with hard work and discipline- things that I feel I miss either doing or overdoing, or not just being smart on it. I promise to myself that I won't 'question' the wisdom of Universe. It's hard and I am trying.                                                                                                       

 

'You think you have the time'

Akala ko marami tayong oras. Back then in my late 20s-early 30s, maraming pinaglalaban, maraming pinagpapaliban. Kase ok lang, dami pa namang time. Dami pa namang energy. But now, I feel 'time is running out'. To be fair, I would like to view this on an optimistic note. It started growing on me when I entered in my 40s. Now, it's three years since the start of my big Four O. I feel I need to take time on what matters. And yes, for most of the time, it's harder than what I think. Maraming moments that led me to reinforce this 'you think you have the time' eme, coinciding with my birthday season.  

Number 1. My boss. She is on a work from home pseudo on leave for six months because her daughter is transitioning to Kinder. Mandated by Korean law eme. Kaya ayahay sa opisina despite all the busyness it can get. Actually my point is grade 1 pa lang ang anak niya at halos late 40s na siya. As I see it, she is actually 'chasing time' with her daughter, spending all the time that she can get because when I estimate it, she is actually way senior by the time her daughter finishes college. Anyhows, she was advised by our No. 1 boss to spend as much time with her daughter because life is really fast and time is everchanging. I feel for her and for the situation. I feel the love and the 'urgency' for it. Actually here, since it is an ageing society, family life starts later in life. Then one child lang per couple, normally. Not that I need family life but in our 40s, this is the part where I say we need to chase time in a healthy balanced way.  

Number 2. Memory forgetting. One of my life project is to make a pangmalakasang life photo album. An improved version from our titas 90s album na di plastic cover. Equally fulfilling is the process of organizing and sorting out photos and bringing back all the memories. I know this takes time and it is a long-term. I cannot do it in one sitting or even in a year or two. It has to be by phases. Ang tagal na nitong project na ito and yes, I make excuses all the time. 

There are many moments of late that I forget things. Small silly moments that matter. For example I mistook the toothpaste as a facial wash. I lost two earbuds. Napaisip ako. Memory loss is part of ageing and set of given na siya and I wont even stress about it. Pero I cannot just simply fade my life moments like that - on the basis na simply nakalimutan ko na. I must hold on to them and cherish them. I know, there is always Facebook and Instagram. Pero iba pa rin yung you take time and choose photos that mean to you. I feel it is really a good exercise every once in a while. In our 40s, this is the part where I say I need to start cherishing time in a healthy balanced way.  

Number 3. There is really no right decision. Decide and work on it to make it right. There is no substitute for hard work. There is no substitute for learning. There is no substitute for diligence. If I want to be a conversationalist Bahasa Indonesia speaker, I cannot just stay in a cafe and listen to Indonesian pop songs lang. I have to make a study plan and evolve from there. If I intend to be a Japanophile for life, hindi ako aasa ng free airfare sa opisina. Instead, I really have to do work on it and deep dive. Because that's how it is. It is the work that you do that makes it right. Kung need kong mag spring cleaning, hindi lang ako bibili ng bagong walis, ako ay magwawalis eme. If I need to be a gold bar collector, I have to learn the trade at magipon for the capital hehe. Actually hindi naman ito sikreto. In our 40s, this is the part where I say working out the time in a healthy balanced way.  

So, yun lang din ang mga reminders for the self for now. Sort of like birthday gift to myself, which I somehow celebrated with the least fanfare. Naisip ko lang how so uneventful yung birthday ko mismo, haha, that I end up promising that I am going to celebrate it the whole year round! 

The Notebook

I have always kept this notebook with me. I bought it April 03, 2017. Tanda ko ba nasa bookstore ako sa Yokohama at nainlove ako dito. I fell in love with the paper, the simplicity of the cover. It would be nice to record your Bucket List, as the notebook suggests. Maganda ang concept at siyempre maganda din naman ang mga pa bucket list concept eme. Ano pa ba ang ibang gagawin natin in life. Alang naman maghintay na lang tayo hanggang tumegi? Talaga lang ba? Yun na lang, lol.  

Simple lang ang nasa loob. Ilista ang 100 bucket lists. There are two pages for every bucket list. 2017 ko pa ito nabili. Until now I have not used it. Naluma na lang ang cover. Nagka Covid na at lahat. After six years, it is still here, naghihintay ng isusulat ko. 

Kanina habang nagaayos. Napansin ko na naman siya. Bakit ba hindi ko ito ginagamit. Ano pang silbi nito? Dahil ba medyo may kamahalan ang notebook na ito? Or katamaran na lang? May planner / journal / personal notes naman ako to be fair at tinatago ko naman siya. Or may malalim ba na dahilan? All of the Above. 

Pag nakikita ko itong notebook na ito. Maraming frustrations ang riniremind sa akin. Mga pangarap na hanggang pangarap na lang. Mga pangyayaring naguwi ng hindi magandang alaala. Mga paalala ng kahinaan ng hindi pagtupad at pagkumpleto ng mga kung ano anong pangarap. So, ano pa ang silbi ng notebook na ito?

Yeah, hindi ko alam kung bakit yan ang feeling ko. Siguro sa pagsinulat ko ito, hanggang sa sulat na lang. I ji- jinx ko na lang. Naunahan lang ng nega. At pagod na ako sa pagbuo ng mga kung ano anong pa konsep at pa bucket list sa buhay ko, sa totoo lang. Ewan ko ba. Nadisillusioned na yata si accla. 

Do not be fooled though. Madami din naman nangyaring milestones ano ho. Kulang lang sa 'deep documentation' haha bukod dito sa blog at mga pa instagram at X, formerly known as twitter, at Facebook. 

Well, why could I not just throw it all away? Well, Nasasayangan ako. And the fact that I still have it with me means I cannot just give up on it. Pero OA naman yata yung six years ng paghihintay. Hindi naman yata puwedeng ganoong katagal. Ilang beses na rin ako nag Marie Kondo ng mga notebooks, pero this notebook still sparks Joy. I could not help but think about it the whole afternoon today. Gagamitin ko na ba? Ano ilalagay ko kung may planner naman na ako? Siyempre itratransfer ko lang haha.  

Sana ngayong taong ito. May I overcome this fear. Wala naman sa bucket list ko ang magtravel sa Mars, ano ho. Simple lang din naman ang mga pangarap ko sa buhay. At ang mga bucket list naman is hindi lang pang materyal, puwede naman na say, Puntahan mo ang nawawala mong kaibigan at sampalin mo siya. Eme. 

Sana magamit ko na ito. Ang notebook ng buhay ko. All those lost years came to an end in 2023. This year is the first of many years of discovery and finally, I am found. Enter Barbra Streisand, ' I finally found someone, someone who shares my life...' 

Early Yearender.

Nag year ender na agad. Ano to, end of fiscal year? Sort of. I do not know. I feel like feeling retrospective habang nagrerecharge after all the work-related activities. Where have all the time gone? 82% of the year have passed. Siguro naman puwede na tayong mag muni muni. And let the remaining 18% of the year enable you to end this year and start the year on a good note. Char.

Sabi natin slow and grow tayo ngayong 2023 pero hindi natin nabalance ang supply-demand chain! char. So fast and furious? Ganern. Daming work pero pagkatapos ng work, nganga na lang. What i mean is mas pinili na lang natin na matulog, mag doom scrolling, mag muni muni, mag romanticize ng mga bagay bagay, mag day dreaming. Personal goals have been sidelined much of the time. Unread books, unfinished online courses, interrupted fitness. Personal discipline and routine were bare minimum. Prospective relationships were not reinforced. 

Yes, I did follow my own pace. And yes, ayoko naman ding ipressure ang sarili ko because it is counter productive. 

Work has been piling up. Hindi naman natatapos. Work travels have been here and there and I lost count. Next year sana marunong ng mag manage mag mission mga colleagues ko para yung mga foreign trips ko ay yung hawak ko na talaga.

It was also a year of health scare. I feel my 'mortality' char. Labas pasok ako sa clinic and a part of it was due to anxiety as well. Anxiety stems out from the fact that I feel vulnerable because the irony of it, I do not have a 'suki clinic' to go to kahit alam mong ang dami dito. Kung gusto mo nga oriental medicine, ang dami din.  I do not speak the language confident enough to look for it. My hair is thinning and my treatment has not been working as well. So, at my age, I feel the stroke of physical ageing. 

It was a year of personal distractions, procrastinations, clutter. Ewan ko ba kahit paglabas ng basura, inaanalyze ko pa. Why can't i just throw it all way? Pati paglinis, ginagawa ko pa siyang isang big event na puwede naman gawin in 30 mins. I get easily distracted these days doing small things. And God knows, I need more focus. 

What is keeping me focused, the truth to it, is my work!. This year,  kahit daming demands, I got to enjoy the work and I think I am slowly finding a renewed joy. And work time is the best time for me to get focused and get things done. 

It is a year of brewing resentment to myself. I do not know, for the lack of better term. It is like you're caught between boredom at idleness. My bff advised me that I have a big mental space and I need to fill it up so as not to feel 'angry' about myself. I guess the term is impatience. I guess the term is the chronic dissatisfaction. 

To my mind, I have always thought about 'healing' - 'coming to terms'. I think about organizing myself here and there, completing big things, just to put things in perspective and maybe that is the healing part. 

But one thing is certain, I do not want to be 'angry' or be bored at myself for no reasons. I had a deep conversation with my friend two nights ago about this. And I am glad that I was able to identify this personal issue. 

2023 is the year of crystallizing. Maraming bagay na feeling ko 'it has to stop'. and 'it has to stop' now and replace them anew. But this requires discipline, routine, and joy and to some extent money and yes, essentially, with a help of people who love and care for you. 

It is like removing weeds from your lawn. And in 2023, I started realizing the weeds and started weeding them out but in a rather slow process. In 2024, all I hope is the tenacity to remove the ones that do not help your secret garden of life. 

Entries

Entry No. 1

I do not know how I got here and I feel like there is no turning back. 

Never thought this year, I would be in and out of clinic for sipon, ubo, allergy, sakit sa ulo, sakit sa katawan, sakit sa urinary tract, sa ngipin, fever then repeat again. And....hypertension. It's almost like life biting at you, 'so manay, bibigyan na kita ng prelude kung patuloy pa rin ang misplaced kaartehan mo sa life,' sabi ng Universe. 

Ginawa ko ng 7-11 si doktor bff with all my online health consultation plus kamustahan tapos sabay hirit na 'Matanda na tayo mih, tanggapin na natin ito' habang katono niya si Zenayda Zeva na nagbibigay ng horoscope for the day.  

Matagal ko ng tanggap na makyunders ako. Hindi tayo nagpapanggap dahil mali yun haha. Ang di ko matanggap bakit minsan asal bata pa rin ako. char. Ayokong maging matandang hukluban, matandang daming issues sa buhay na para bang 'hello, mars, anong ginawa mo noong cuarenta ka!?', matandang daming what ifs. Gusto ko lang maging maganda at kaakit akit. Mahirap bang abutin yun? I guess it's about managing the self which makes it harder than it seems. 

Entry No. 2

September 2023. Sabi ko, anong nangyari. Lately, anong nangyayari, where have all the time gone? Bakit yung mga librong nabili ko, hindi ko man lang nababasa? Bakit di ako makakumpleto ng pelikula sa Netflix? Bakit di ko man lang maumpisahan yung language at certification courses ko ng tuloy tuloy? Why can't I continue my self preservation project? Nasaan na yung mga pazumba ko? Char. And here's the holiday coming. Sa palagay mo ba, makaka zen ako with all the end of year activities at mga social obligations natin.

I must say since the early part of this year, I have not been really doing much self-care. Illusion ba ang self-care, char. Minsan napapaisip ako, I have all the time in this city yet I still look for it. I must say 2023 so far, walang 'genuine' pahinga for me. Akala ko ba slow and grow. Yung mga patravel travel ko, ma kaqualify ko ba ang one to two days off as 'genuine' pahinga. Siyempre hindi. 

Entry No. 3 

I miss growing up with my family and I have been growing apart from them since day 1. Just being there makes the difference and feels reassuring. 

I miss honoring my experience. To be just there and being alive with no judgement. Every detail is joy. These days can be mechanical. Maitawid lang natin. 

I miss being in the company of community of believers. I miss my sociology of friends. We have been growing distant but we make effort to see each other at least once a year. I miss our random meet-ups and just share whatever opportunities we can make. I miss my peers. Those whom you can share your purpose of work in the long run and collaborate with them. I miss practicing sociology. It is still very much alive. 

I miss my spirituality. No personal retreat this year so far. I need to have one. I miss the Worship. I miss God. 

I miss my friends and making new friends. Friendship is a lifetime gift. Proximity helps and here I am growing apart from them. Nah, it is not an issue actually. I just miss the proximity. I just miss the possibility that anytime you can see each other and spend the whole afternoon nonchalantly. 

I miss the work. I miss development work. I still do but my heart is wandering hard core development  work. One day, I was so into daydreaming with myself on a sea riding on a banca going from island to island, just visiting communities, eating with the people and teaching them some stuff. Then you go home again via the sea. There was also a time what if I work in a global office that helps bring EJK to justice including Philippines' case. What if I work in an office that helps promote free mobility or cities that promote clean markets and reduce noise pollution. I know this is a long game. I just miss the work. 

Muni Munis of the Day

 Muni Munis of the Day. 

Back to regular programming na ho tayo. 

1. Nagfile tayo ng day off para sa mandatory check-up. Every two years ang annual general check-up dito at may kamahalan din ang bayad kaya gamitin natin ito. Basic lang naman with matching cancer screening pero feeling ko dapat may ECG at stress test na ring kasama. This is where my Philhealth goes. Which makes think bakit kaya walang mandatory APE man lang sa Pinas. I am for team health prevention. Mabuti ng ma agapan. Dama ko ang health scare. Dama ko din ang mga kemeng, pag sinimulan mo ng magpacheck-up, unli visit na iyan hanggang sa maubos ang savings mo. Pero Team Stoic tayo, char. It is what it is. Gusto ko may tumuturok sa akin. Lol.  

So after sedation and God knows kung anong pinagagagawa sa tiyan ko, dito tayo nakatambay sa cafe at naghihintay ng next appointment. Sabi ng doctor, pa check up daw ako after mareceive ko yung result kase mukhang high blood kineso na daw ako. 30 minutes of intense exercise is needed, thrice a day. Naisip ko bigla yung Zumba. Na hindi ko na tinuloy on a simple fact that I got busy and lazy at the same time. Gawin natin mag pafit. But overall,  I feel accomplished this time. Minsan kase the fact that I thought I won’t be showing up because of laziness, excuses and scare, by just showing up, by just going to the hospital check-up can become the bravest thing that one could do. 

2. Summer in the City. Oven init. Nakakatamad lumabas. At mga tao puro bakasyon ang nasa isip. But since I am your tropical girl, I like the vibes. But again I do not like the init. Sarap lang tumengga. My own version of vacation is mga pa singit na 1-2 days sa mga upcoming mission trips ko. I decide to extend my stay in Tokyo for four days in September. That’s my next me-time moment. I miss Japan and all its sophistication. Na excite tayo bigla. Wala tayong gagawin doon kundi bisitahin mga bookshops at kumain. Huwag na yung mga tourists spots. Umay na ako sa mga minimalists chenelyn nila. How I wish I have friends based in Japan, all the more reasonss that I want to go back there again and again. Pero wait, mag aaply pa lang ako ng visa at baka pahirapan na naman sa pag apply. 

3. It has sunk in. That moment I feel I am probably not earning enough and I need to reduce my lifestyle. I do not know. As if naman ang lifestyle ko is party party. Need to be conscious of my spending - which goes most to food, hair treatment, some dbet, and going out with my friends. Strange enough, I had a calm and cool reaction to it. It simply means sawa na ako sa kakaisip sa mga gastusin. I just want to live in the moment. But living in the moment can become a bit expensive too. Wala eh, magpa ka minimalist na lang muna tayo. Hindi naman bago sa atin ang mag adjust. The most important of all is huwag mag aksaya ng mga bagay bagay. It can go a long way.

4. I take inspiration from other people. I like listerning to them and to their stories. Sabi ng boss ko way back, kahit daw parang introvert ako bakit daw may talent ako na pag kumakausap ako sa tao parang nagkita na daw kami before. Una, malay ko ba, au naturelle. haha. Pangalawa, i must be a good conversationalist. Minsan na realize ko, it is it the reason why I my social life here in Korea is just as satisfactory that I can get. I must be a good listener. And I do not really make the most out of it.  

My point is, when I feel down, I have this tendency to just be with people, just listen and meet people and then ok na rin ako kalaunan. Siyempre, iiwasan mo din ang mga nega because it will stick with you. But I know the drill. ‘Kaya mo ba yung ginagawa ni Ate Yolly, Paulie, yung kumakausap na lang ng stranger tapos best in chika na sila?, di ko kaya yun,’, sabi ni Madam G. ‘Kaya ko naman pag nasa mood, hahaha’. Maybe that’s part of the answer. Maybe that is the reason why inspiration has not come in handy lately to me because I forget to take inspiration from them.