Sabi natin slow and grow tayo ngayong 2023 pero hindi natin nabalance ang supply-demand chain! char. So fast and furious? Ganern. Daming work pero pagkatapos ng work, nganga na lang. What i mean is mas pinili na lang natin na matulog, mag doom scrolling, mag muni muni, mag romanticize ng mga bagay bagay, mag day dreaming. Personal goals have been sidelined much of the time. Unread books, unfinished online courses, interrupted fitness. Personal discipline and routine were bare minimum. Prospective relationships were not reinforced.
Yes, I did follow my own pace. And yes, ayoko naman ding ipressure ang sarili ko because it is counter productive.
Work has been piling up. Hindi naman natatapos. Work travels have been here and there and I lost count. Next year sana marunong ng mag manage mag mission mga colleagues ko para yung mga foreign trips ko ay yung hawak ko na talaga.
It was also a year of health scare. I feel my 'mortality' char. Labas pasok ako sa clinic and a part of it was due to anxiety as well. Anxiety stems out from the fact that I feel vulnerable because the irony of it, I do not have a 'suki clinic' to go to kahit alam mong ang dami dito. Kung gusto mo nga oriental medicine, ang dami din. I do not speak the language confident enough to look for it. My hair is thinning and my treatment has not been working as well. So, at my age, I feel the stroke of physical ageing.
It was a year of personal distractions, procrastinations, clutter. Ewan ko ba kahit paglabas ng basura, inaanalyze ko pa. Why can't i just throw it all way? Pati paglinis, ginagawa ko pa siyang isang big event na puwede naman gawin in 30 mins. I get easily distracted these days doing small things. And God knows, I need more focus.
What is keeping me focused, the truth to it, is my work!. This year, kahit daming demands, I got to enjoy the work and I think I am slowly finding a renewed joy. And work time is the best time for me to get focused and get things done.
It is a year of brewing resentment to myself. I do not know, for the lack of better term. It is like you're caught between boredom at idleness. My bff advised me that I have a big mental space and I need to fill it up so as not to feel 'angry' about myself. I guess the term is impatience. I guess the term is the chronic dissatisfaction.
To my mind, I have always thought about 'healing' - 'coming to terms'. I think about organizing myself here and there, completing big things, just to put things in perspective and maybe that is the healing part.
But one thing is certain, I do not want to be 'angry' or be bored at myself for no reasons. I had a deep conversation with my friend two nights ago about this. And I am glad that I was able to identify this personal issue.
2023 is the year of crystallizing. Maraming bagay na feeling ko 'it has to stop'. and 'it has to stop' now and replace them anew. But this requires discipline, routine, and joy and to some extent money and yes, essentially, with a help of people who love and care for you.
It is like removing weeds from your lawn. And in 2023, I started realizing the weeds and started weeding them out but in a rather slow process. In 2024, all I hope is the tenacity to remove the ones that do not help your secret garden of life.
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