1. 'I never felt alone' and I am really living alone. For the first time since I do not know when. It is the big reveal. Talaga palang magisa pala talaga ako dito. The reality knocks hard on me. Minsan malungkot. Pero the truth is it is really more on managing myself that is the biggest challenge. Sabi nga nila, when no one is looking, I am as free. But same goes as well as when no one is looking, I can be the most vulnerable.
The challenge is how to manage myself. It is just ironic that I seem to have all the time yet a genuine time for myself is still found wanting. There were moments I prayed hard and harder to keep my faith back. I felt like my faith has gone out of the window. The pressure to self has become so unnecessary. So what do I do? I live day by day, trying to get away from whatever distractions as much as possible. And keep the discipline and flow.
2. Friends are leaving. For now. People change. That is the hard truth. Friends have different phases in their lives. They change. Tanggap ko naman na. May nangiiwan. May hindi na nagpaparamdam. My regret? Minsan iniisip ko why did I spend a lot of time with them, what for?, I know this is a not a good attitude, and that is the sad part. Understanding is harder. And I am trying to understand. But then the hinanakit. Yung being truthful. Puwede naman magpaalam. Well, some people will not give you that privilege. Siguro, it is more on being honest. Well again some people will not give you that privilege either. So what do I do? I remain open. Mahirap din naman na magpakabitter. I pray for more understanding because I do not. How I wish I have more genuine friends in the future, which I will like to work on. I miss being Miss Friendship. I miss being Miss Congeniality.
3. Transformation. I do not know. Para akong naging mas seryoso, mas naging deliberate, intentional, negiotiating. 2025 has been the year of so many questions. Kulang na lang tanungin ko din sa sarili ko ang 'Where lies my future?' which was natanong ko din pala. Kaloka. Andoon pa rin yung uncertainty, precarity, yung feeling ko konti na lang oras natin yet I still cannot believe I could accomodate a lot of crap into my life, missed opportunities, incomplete tasks, unnecessary habits, people who do not even deserve my attention. Marami rami pa din naman. And then, nagising na lang ako isang araw na, what the hell, Now I feel blank? What do I do? What have I been doing? Where are my passions? Where are my favorite things? Puro na lang tayo trabaho? Nasaan na ang paglalandi? What am I doing? I need to do things that matter to me?! So mga ganyang drama.
4. Tuloy pa rin naman ang appointment ko sa pyschiatrist ko. I like our moments. at naisip ko lang, kailan kaya matatapos ang depression ko? At medyo, tanggap ko na rin naman na medyo matatagalan and I can only hope that I be healed soon. On a personal note, I feel fine living with it for now as long as I take care of it and be kind to it. Looking back, what if I did not choose this path? What If I had not visited the clinic? Saan na kaya ako ngayon?
It seems like wala akong urgency to heal. I know this takes time. Sabi ko nga I may as well write a book or make a creative project, para maging productive man lang. Well, I have some project ideas as early as late this year. I must say my condition is better now than July. I am on my road to healing.Sabi nga ni Mariah, 'Nothing is Impossible' and I am 'Here For It All'
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