'You think you have the time'

Akala ko marami tayong oras. Back then in my late 20s-early 30s, maraming pinaglalaban, maraming pinagpapaliban. Kase ok lang, dami pa namang time. Dami pa namang energy. But now, I feel 'time is running out'. To be fair, I would like to view this on an optimistic note. It started growing on me when I entered in my 40s. Now, it's three years since the start of my big Four O. I feel I need to take time on what matters. And yes, for most of the time, it's harder than what I think. Maraming moments that led me to reinforce this 'you think you have the time' eme, coinciding with my birthday season.  

Number 1. My boss. She is on a work from home pseudo on leave for six months because her daughter is transitioning to Kinder. Mandated by Korean law eme. Kaya ayahay sa opisina despite all the busyness it can get. Actually my point is grade 1 pa lang ang anak niya at halos late 40s na siya. As I see it, she is actually 'chasing time' with her daughter, spending all the time that she can get because when I estimate it, she is actually way senior by the time her daughter finishes college. Anyhows, she was advised by our No. 1 boss to spend as much time with her daughter because life is really fast and time is everchanging. I feel for her and for the situation. I feel the love and the 'urgency' for it. Actually here, since it is an ageing society, family life starts later in life. Then one child lang per couple, normally. Not that I need family life but in our 40s, this is the part where I say we need to chase time in a healthy balanced way.  

Number 2. Memory forgetting. One of my life project is to make a pangmalakasang life photo album. An improved version from our titas 90s album na di plastic cover. Equally fulfilling is the process of organizing and sorting out photos and bringing back all the memories. I know this takes time and it is a long-term. I cannot do it in one sitting or even in a year or two. It has to be by phases. Ang tagal na nitong project na ito and yes, I make excuses all the time. 

There are many moments of late that I forget things. Small silly moments that matter. For example I mistook the toothpaste as a facial wash. I lost two earbuds. Napaisip ako. Memory loss is part of ageing and set of given na siya and I wont even stress about it. Pero I cannot just simply fade my life moments like that - on the basis na simply nakalimutan ko na. I must hold on to them and cherish them. I know, there is always Facebook and Instagram. Pero iba pa rin yung you take time and choose photos that mean to you. I feel it is really a good exercise every once in a while. In our 40s, this is the part where I say I need to start cherishing time in a healthy balanced way.  

Number 3. There is really no right decision. Decide and work on it to make it right. There is no substitute for hard work. There is no substitute for learning. There is no substitute for diligence. If I want to be a conversationalist Bahasa Indonesia speaker, I cannot just stay in a cafe and listen to Indonesian pop songs lang. I have to make a study plan and evolve from there. If I intend to be a Japanophile for life, hindi ako aasa ng free airfare sa opisina. Instead, I really have to do work on it and deep dive. Because that's how it is. It is the work that you do that makes it right. Kung need kong mag spring cleaning, hindi lang ako bibili ng bagong walis, ako ay magwawalis eme. If I need to be a gold bar collector, I have to learn the trade at magipon for the capital hehe. Actually hindi naman ito sikreto. In our 40s, this is the part where I say working out the time in a healthy balanced way.  

So, yun lang din ang mga reminders for the self for now. Sort of like birthday gift to myself, which I somehow celebrated with the least fanfare. Naisip ko lang how so uneventful yung birthday ko mismo, haha, that I end up promising that I am going to celebrate it the whole year round! 

The Notebook

I have always kept this notebook with me. I bought it April 03, 2017. Tanda ko ba nasa bookstore ako sa Yokohama at nainlove ako dito. I fell in love with the paper, the simplicity of the cover. It would be nice to record your Bucket List, as the notebook suggests. Maganda ang concept at siyempre maganda din naman ang mga pa bucket list concept eme. Ano pa ba ang ibang gagawin natin in life. Alang naman maghintay na lang tayo hanggang tumegi? Talaga lang ba? Yun na lang, lol.  

Simple lang ang nasa loob. Ilista ang 100 bucket lists. There are two pages for every bucket list. 2017 ko pa ito nabili. Until now I have not used it. Naluma na lang ang cover. Nagka Covid na at lahat. After six years, it is still here, naghihintay ng isusulat ko. 

Kanina habang nagaayos. Napansin ko na naman siya. Bakit ba hindi ko ito ginagamit. Ano pang silbi nito? Dahil ba medyo may kamahalan ang notebook na ito? Or katamaran na lang? May planner / journal / personal notes naman ako to be fair at tinatago ko naman siya. Or may malalim ba na dahilan? All of the Above. 

Pag nakikita ko itong notebook na ito. Maraming frustrations ang riniremind sa akin. Mga pangarap na hanggang pangarap na lang. Mga pangyayaring naguwi ng hindi magandang alaala. Mga paalala ng kahinaan ng hindi pagtupad at pagkumpleto ng mga kung ano anong pangarap. So, ano pa ang silbi ng notebook na ito?

Yeah, hindi ko alam kung bakit yan ang feeling ko. Siguro sa pagsinulat ko ito, hanggang sa sulat na lang. I ji- jinx ko na lang. Naunahan lang ng nega. At pagod na ako sa pagbuo ng mga kung ano anong pa konsep at pa bucket list sa buhay ko, sa totoo lang. Ewan ko ba. Nadisillusioned na yata si accla. 

Do not be fooled though. Madami din naman nangyaring milestones ano ho. Kulang lang sa 'deep documentation' haha bukod dito sa blog at mga pa instagram at X, formerly known as twitter, at Facebook. 

Well, why could I not just throw it all away? Well, Nasasayangan ako. And the fact that I still have it with me means I cannot just give up on it. Pero OA naman yata yung six years ng paghihintay. Hindi naman yata puwedeng ganoong katagal. Ilang beses na rin ako nag Marie Kondo ng mga notebooks, pero this notebook still sparks Joy. I could not help but think about it the whole afternoon today. Gagamitin ko na ba? Ano ilalagay ko kung may planner naman na ako? Siyempre itratransfer ko lang haha.  

Sana ngayong taong ito. May I overcome this fear. Wala naman sa bucket list ko ang magtravel sa Mars, ano ho. Simple lang din naman ang mga pangarap ko sa buhay. At ang mga bucket list naman is hindi lang pang materyal, puwede naman na say, Puntahan mo ang nawawala mong kaibigan at sampalin mo siya. Eme. 

Sana magamit ko na ito. Ang notebook ng buhay ko. All those lost years came to an end in 2023. This year is the first of many years of discovery and finally, I am found. Enter Barbra Streisand, ' I finally found someone, someone who shares my life...' 

Early Yearender.

Nag year ender na agad. Ano to, end of fiscal year? Sort of. I do not know. I feel like feeling retrospective habang nagrerecharge after all the work-related activities. Where have all the time gone? 82% of the year have passed. Siguro naman puwede na tayong mag muni muni. And let the remaining 18% of the year enable you to end this year and start the year on a good note. Char.

Sabi natin slow and grow tayo ngayong 2023 pero hindi natin nabalance ang supply-demand chain! char. So fast and furious? Ganern. Daming work pero pagkatapos ng work, nganga na lang. What i mean is mas pinili na lang natin na matulog, mag doom scrolling, mag muni muni, mag romanticize ng mga bagay bagay, mag day dreaming. Personal goals have been sidelined much of the time. Unread books, unfinished online courses, interrupted fitness. Personal discipline and routine were bare minimum. Prospective relationships were not reinforced. 

Yes, I did follow my own pace. And yes, ayoko naman ding ipressure ang sarili ko because it is counter productive. 

Work has been piling up. Hindi naman natatapos. Work travels have been here and there and I lost count. Next year sana marunong ng mag manage mag mission mga colleagues ko para yung mga foreign trips ko ay yung hawak ko na talaga.

It was also a year of health scare. I feel my 'mortality' char. Labas pasok ako sa clinic and a part of it was due to anxiety as well. Anxiety stems out from the fact that I feel vulnerable because the irony of it, I do not have a 'suki clinic' to go to kahit alam mong ang dami dito. Kung gusto mo nga oriental medicine, ang dami din.  I do not speak the language confident enough to look for it. My hair is thinning and my treatment has not been working as well. So, at my age, I feel the stroke of physical ageing. 

It was a year of personal distractions, procrastinations, clutter. Ewan ko ba kahit paglabas ng basura, inaanalyze ko pa. Why can't i just throw it all way? Pati paglinis, ginagawa ko pa siyang isang big event na puwede naman gawin in 30 mins. I get easily distracted these days doing small things. And God knows, I need more focus. 

What is keeping me focused, the truth to it, is my work!. This year,  kahit daming demands, I got to enjoy the work and I think I am slowly finding a renewed joy. And work time is the best time for me to get focused and get things done. 

It is a year of brewing resentment to myself. I do not know, for the lack of better term. It is like you're caught between boredom at idleness. My bff advised me that I have a big mental space and I need to fill it up so as not to feel 'angry' about myself. I guess the term is impatience. I guess the term is the chronic dissatisfaction. 

To my mind, I have always thought about 'healing' - 'coming to terms'. I think about organizing myself here and there, completing big things, just to put things in perspective and maybe that is the healing part. 

But one thing is certain, I do not want to be 'angry' or be bored at myself for no reasons. I had a deep conversation with my friend two nights ago about this. And I am glad that I was able to identify this personal issue. 

2023 is the year of crystallizing. Maraming bagay na feeling ko 'it has to stop'. and 'it has to stop' now and replace them anew. But this requires discipline, routine, and joy and to some extent money and yes, essentially, with a help of people who love and care for you. 

It is like removing weeds from your lawn. And in 2023, I started realizing the weeds and started weeding them out but in a rather slow process. In 2024, all I hope is the tenacity to remove the ones that do not help your secret garden of life. 

Entries

Entry No. 1

I do not know how I got here and I feel like there is no turning back. 

Never thought this year, I would be in and out of clinic for sipon, ubo, allergy, sakit sa ulo, sakit sa katawan, sakit sa urinary tract, sa ngipin, fever then repeat again. And....hypertension. It's almost like life biting at you, 'so manay, bibigyan na kita ng prelude kung patuloy pa rin ang misplaced kaartehan mo sa life,' sabi ng Universe. 

Ginawa ko ng 7-11 si doktor bff with all my online health consultation plus kamustahan tapos sabay hirit na 'Matanda na tayo mih, tanggapin na natin ito' habang katono niya si Zenayda Zeva na nagbibigay ng horoscope for the day.  

Matagal ko ng tanggap na makyunders ako. Hindi tayo nagpapanggap dahil mali yun haha. Ang di ko matanggap bakit minsan asal bata pa rin ako. char. Ayokong maging matandang hukluban, matandang daming issues sa buhay na para bang 'hello, mars, anong ginawa mo noong cuarenta ka!?', matandang daming what ifs. Gusto ko lang maging maganda at kaakit akit. Mahirap bang abutin yun? I guess it's about managing the self which makes it harder than it seems. 

Entry No. 2

September 2023. Sabi ko, anong nangyari. Lately, anong nangyayari, where have all the time gone? Bakit yung mga librong nabili ko, hindi ko man lang nababasa? Bakit di ako makakumpleto ng pelikula sa Netflix? Bakit di ko man lang maumpisahan yung language at certification courses ko ng tuloy tuloy? Why can't I continue my self preservation project? Nasaan na yung mga pazumba ko? Char. And here's the holiday coming. Sa palagay mo ba, makaka zen ako with all the end of year activities at mga social obligations natin.

I must say since the early part of this year, I have not been really doing much self-care. Illusion ba ang self-care, char. Minsan napapaisip ako, I have all the time in this city yet I still look for it. I must say 2023 so far, walang 'genuine' pahinga for me. Akala ko ba slow and grow. Yung mga patravel travel ko, ma kaqualify ko ba ang one to two days off as 'genuine' pahinga. Siyempre hindi. 

Entry No. 3 

I miss growing up with my family and I have been growing apart from them since day 1. Just being there makes the difference and feels reassuring. 

I miss honoring my experience. To be just there and being alive with no judgement. Every detail is joy. These days can be mechanical. Maitawid lang natin. 

I miss being in the company of community of believers. I miss my sociology of friends. We have been growing distant but we make effort to see each other at least once a year. I miss our random meet-ups and just share whatever opportunities we can make. I miss my peers. Those whom you can share your purpose of work in the long run and collaborate with them. I miss practicing sociology. It is still very much alive. 

I miss my spirituality. No personal retreat this year so far. I need to have one. I miss the Worship. I miss God. 

I miss my friends and making new friends. Friendship is a lifetime gift. Proximity helps and here I am growing apart from them. Nah, it is not an issue actually. I just miss the proximity. I just miss the possibility that anytime you can see each other and spend the whole afternoon nonchalantly. 

I miss the work. I miss development work. I still do but my heart is wandering hard core development  work. One day, I was so into daydreaming with myself on a sea riding on a banca going from island to island, just visiting communities, eating with the people and teaching them some stuff. Then you go home again via the sea. There was also a time what if I work in a global office that helps bring EJK to justice including Philippines' case. What if I work in an office that helps promote free mobility or cities that promote clean markets and reduce noise pollution. I know this is a long game. I just miss the work. 

Muni Munis of the Day

 Muni Munis of the Day. 

Back to regular programming na ho tayo. 

1. Nagfile tayo ng day off para sa mandatory check-up. Every two years ang annual general check-up dito at may kamahalan din ang bayad kaya gamitin natin ito. Basic lang naman with matching cancer screening pero feeling ko dapat may ECG at stress test na ring kasama. This is where my Philhealth goes. Which makes think bakit kaya walang mandatory APE man lang sa Pinas. I am for team health prevention. Mabuti ng ma agapan. Dama ko ang health scare. Dama ko din ang mga kemeng, pag sinimulan mo ng magpacheck-up, unli visit na iyan hanggang sa maubos ang savings mo. Pero Team Stoic tayo, char. It is what it is. Gusto ko may tumuturok sa akin. Lol.  

So after sedation and God knows kung anong pinagagagawa sa tiyan ko, dito tayo nakatambay sa cafe at naghihintay ng next appointment. Sabi ng doctor, pa check up daw ako after mareceive ko yung result kase mukhang high blood kineso na daw ako. 30 minutes of intense exercise is needed, thrice a day. Naisip ko bigla yung Zumba. Na hindi ko na tinuloy on a simple fact that I got busy and lazy at the same time. Gawin natin mag pafit. But overall,  I feel accomplished this time. Minsan kase the fact that I thought I won’t be showing up because of laziness, excuses and scare, by just showing up, by just going to the hospital check-up can become the bravest thing that one could do. 

2. Summer in the City. Oven init. Nakakatamad lumabas. At mga tao puro bakasyon ang nasa isip. But since I am your tropical girl, I like the vibes. But again I do not like the init. Sarap lang tumengga. My own version of vacation is mga pa singit na 1-2 days sa mga upcoming mission trips ko. I decide to extend my stay in Tokyo for four days in September. That’s my next me-time moment. I miss Japan and all its sophistication. Na excite tayo bigla. Wala tayong gagawin doon kundi bisitahin mga bookshops at kumain. Huwag na yung mga tourists spots. Umay na ako sa mga minimalists chenelyn nila. How I wish I have friends based in Japan, all the more reasonss that I want to go back there again and again. Pero wait, mag aaply pa lang ako ng visa at baka pahirapan na naman sa pag apply. 

3. It has sunk in. That moment I feel I am probably not earning enough and I need to reduce my lifestyle. I do not know. As if naman ang lifestyle ko is party party. Need to be conscious of my spending - which goes most to food, hair treatment, some dbet, and going out with my friends. Strange enough, I had a calm and cool reaction to it. It simply means sawa na ako sa kakaisip sa mga gastusin. I just want to live in the moment. But living in the moment can become a bit expensive too. Wala eh, magpa ka minimalist na lang muna tayo. Hindi naman bago sa atin ang mag adjust. The most important of all is huwag mag aksaya ng mga bagay bagay. It can go a long way.

4. I take inspiration from other people. I like listerning to them and to their stories. Sabi ng boss ko way back, kahit daw parang introvert ako bakit daw may talent ako na pag kumakausap ako sa tao parang nagkita na daw kami before. Una, malay ko ba, au naturelle. haha. Pangalawa, i must be a good conversationalist. Minsan na realize ko, it is it the reason why I my social life here in Korea is just as satisfactory that I can get. I must be a good listener. And I do not really make the most out of it.  

My point is, when I feel down, I have this tendency to just be with people, just listen and meet people and then ok na rin ako kalaunan. Siyempre, iiwasan mo din ang mga nega because it will stick with you. But I know the drill. ‘Kaya mo ba yung ginagawa ni Ate Yolly, Paulie, yung kumakausap na lang ng stranger tapos best in chika na sila?, di ko kaya yun,’, sabi ni Madam G. ‘Kaya ko naman pag nasa mood, hahaha’. Maybe that’s part of the answer. Maybe that is the reason why inspiration has not come in handy lately to me because I forget to take inspiration from them.