Entries

Entry No. 1

I do not know how I got here and I feel like there is no turning back. 

Never thought this year, I would be in and out of clinic for sipon, ubo, allergy, sakit sa ulo, sakit sa katawan, sakit sa urinary tract, sa ngipin, fever then repeat again. And....hypertension. It's almost like life biting at you, 'so manay, bibigyan na kita ng prelude kung patuloy pa rin ang misplaced kaartehan mo sa life,' sabi ng Universe. 

Ginawa ko ng 7-11 si doktor bff with all my online health consultation plus kamustahan tapos sabay hirit na 'Matanda na tayo mih, tanggapin na natin ito' habang katono niya si Zenayda Zeva na nagbibigay ng horoscope for the day.  

Matagal ko ng tanggap na makyunders ako. Hindi tayo nagpapanggap dahil mali yun haha. Ang di ko matanggap bakit minsan asal bata pa rin ako. char. Ayokong maging matandang hukluban, matandang daming issues sa buhay na para bang 'hello, mars, anong ginawa mo noong cuarenta ka!?', matandang daming what ifs. Gusto ko lang maging maganda at kaakit akit. Mahirap bang abutin yun? I guess it's about managing the self which makes it harder than it seems. 

Entry No. 2

September 2023. Sabi ko, anong nangyari. Lately, anong nangyayari, where have all the time gone? Bakit yung mga librong nabili ko, hindi ko man lang nababasa? Bakit di ako makakumpleto ng pelikula sa Netflix? Bakit di ko man lang maumpisahan yung language at certification courses ko ng tuloy tuloy? Why can't I continue my self preservation project? Nasaan na yung mga pazumba ko? Char. And here's the holiday coming. Sa palagay mo ba, makaka zen ako with all the end of year activities at mga social obligations natin.

I must say since the early part of this year, I have not been really doing much self-care. Illusion ba ang self-care, char. Minsan napapaisip ako, I have all the time in this city yet I still look for it. I must say 2023 so far, walang 'genuine' pahinga for me. Akala ko ba slow and grow. Yung mga patravel travel ko, ma kaqualify ko ba ang one to two days off as 'genuine' pahinga. Siyempre hindi. 

Entry No. 3 

I miss growing up with my family and I have been growing apart from them since day 1. Just being there makes the difference and feels reassuring. 

I miss honoring my experience. To be just there and being alive with no judgement. Every detail is joy. These days can be mechanical. Maitawid lang natin. 

I miss being in the company of community of believers. I miss my sociology of friends. We have been growing distant but we make effort to see each other at least once a year. I miss our random meet-ups and just share whatever opportunities we can make. I miss my peers. Those whom you can share your purpose of work in the long run and collaborate with them. I miss practicing sociology. It is still very much alive. 

I miss my spirituality. No personal retreat this year so far. I need to have one. I miss the Worship. I miss God. 

I miss my friends and making new friends. Friendship is a lifetime gift. Proximity helps and here I am growing apart from them. Nah, it is not an issue actually. I just miss the proximity. I just miss the possibility that anytime you can see each other and spend the whole afternoon nonchalantly. 

I miss the work. I miss development work. I still do but my heart is wandering hard core development  work. One day, I was so into daydreaming with myself on a sea riding on a banca going from island to island, just visiting communities, eating with the people and teaching them some stuff. Then you go home again via the sea. There was also a time what if I work in a global office that helps bring EJK to justice including Philippines' case. What if I work in an office that helps promote free mobility or cities that promote clean markets and reduce noise pollution. I know this is a long game. I just miss the work.