Hold on (A Repost)

I remember when I was writing my undergrad thesis, It was a career. I exerted a lot of effort for it. And since it was about community journalism and development communications, I went as far as University of the Philippines Los Banos to do some library work where some of the early studies began. Also, I went to great strides in interviewing community newspaper publishers in Naga City. Kulang na lang naka feather boas ako habang ginagawa ko yun. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I felt I was contributing something. And for the bonus part, I got a perfect score for my thesis grade. 
And then I found Gelia Castillo in the course of my readings. I learned that Gelia Castillo was the grand dame of Philippine sociology. I suddenly felt connected to her. I did not know why. I began to search her biography and her credentials. All I could think was I wanted to be like her. How first impression sometimes last. I began to contemplate that my greatest dream is to become a social scientist, a sociologist!  to be like her! Walang awat! And I asked Divine to help me become one. 
I still hold on that dream. I may be in a divergent track (because she is engaged in development work anyway) but whenever I lose steam or doubt in my career, sometimes, subconsciously she just appears to my mind, like now. I begin to feel a sense of awe. Not foolish, not disillusionment, but the sense of wander. We all need that Wanderlust. 


It was effervescence. I was simply a student but very much inspired that I was contemplating as a hardcore researcher after graduation. 

Time passed and I had a chance to meet her during a conference. But I did not get to talk to her. I was this shy boy who just looked at her, mesmerized by her. She talked about the need to publish scientific papers. She was being assisted because she was also old already. She was very humble. I just kept listening to her. I am that type of person who does not want to know my idols personally or to engage them too much because it may destroy some sort of mysticism. Every once in a while, I just go to Youtube or any website and read whatever is there about her. 

I believe the Divine has laid down every path imaginable for me to be like her. I engage in development work and with local communities and I am positioned to be in something of influence and to make a change, small change at a time. I feel guilty because I sometimes waste this opportunity. And whenever I recall these moments, I cannot ask for much. Because everything is settled. What I asked Divine gave me. I am but humbled. There is always a new found purpose. All I need is to grow.

Some Notes to Self*

*I wrote this piece two years ago in my personal blog. The words have never been truer. 

Dear Svelte, 

Barely six months before the year ends with six important reminders to Self!

1. Do Not Waste time. Spend it wisely with your friends and loved ones and beautiful people who do not suck the energy out of you. Of course, you cannot control negative people and their awesome negativities. Hindi ka naman Magikero. Avoid them gently with civility at heart. A revealing part is this – Do Not Waste Time means Make Time. Make time for the Soul, for the Body, for the Family, and for the Community. Be delighted of the time you have but do not be confined with Looking Forward. Instead, live A Moment while It lasts. 

2. A friend back in the theater days said, ‘When in doubt, pout!’ Maybe aside from the pouting, When In Doubt, Just Keep One’s Mouth Shut for a while. Look at the bigger picture. Look at the implications. Suspend feelings of doubt and convert them into positive energies. When the right time comes and you know you are ready, confront Doubts. You owe it to yourself an Enlightened Spirit. Always aim for moments of Clarity. 

3. Projectize, Projectize, and Projectize. Because there is so much to do and there is so much Love to Give. If some life projects become slow, do not fret because you can only take so much. Treat them as an extensive project but make sure you have gains along the way. Celebrate accomplishments. Again, You owe it to yourself if you feel you achieve something. Believe that you are making progress. But will It be nice if you can also document your progress.

4. Dreams do come true. Whatever forms, they will be yours and they will reveal themselves before you in the right time. No one, not even Climate Change can take that right time and moment from you. Continue to perfect your craft. Work diligently and yes, always choose to learn the hard and persistent way! Place your passions in a strategic manner. Do not be a Cry in a Wild. Remember, Reaping is seasonal. You may reap today but you must sow other seeds for tomorrow. Visualize. What matters most is that your dreams are being built and they are not just one-time one-hit wonders.

5. It can happen to you! That thing called special feeling, that thing called Relationship. But there is that thin line that separates love and Juan Tamad. Can you act on it? Of course, not in an overly deliberate manner. A step forward won’t hurt. Try to look around.

6. Continue building a Shared Destiny. Despite the bad weather yesterday, I had a share of few laughs and heart talk with my  high school beki friends. My bestest Rawn told me of what happened lately with his mother. It turned out that his Mom went clinically depressed due to many visitations in the hospital for some random check ups.  Among other reasons, we suspected a withdrawal syndrome. We reasoned out it may be because his mom may have realized that her children are beginning living separate lives. And the youngest siblings (not Rawn) are starting to venture out since they just graduated from college. There were moments of shared thoughts like we gays are ’destined’ to care for our parents because we’d have our hetero sisters and brothers lead families of their own and give us all their nieces and nephews in return! 

In a light moment, I said to Rawn that it is about time that he and his mother make all the  'rampa’ they can get. Would it be wonderful if they can go to parlor together, have their nails done together, shop together, pamper altogether? As I look back, the conversation left open. But there is that shared moment that we should become more proactive in our relationships with our parents. And we agreed that we should let our mothers (our fathers have passed away) continue whatever they do to keep themselves busy. Among others, by supporting their vices! (like in my case, unending house renovation project and yes, it is a vice because it is so damn out of proportions already!)