Small Wins

'Something is not fine'. Ito ang kataga ng aking therapist on my first day of counseling. I intended to continue my therapy again this year. Took a backseat early this year because of other schedules. Early this week, I went to the foreign residents' center, filled up the form and after a week, I got an appointment. Before I knew it, I was at the clinic, waiting for my session. 

It is a safe space, reassuring and at least for five sessions, I have to attend, otherwise magbabayad ako and it is not cheap. And/or worse, I won't reach my objectives. 'To be honest, I do not expect something out of these sessions' sabi ko. 'Maybe later, but for now, there have really been a lot of unprecedented emotions and I need a safe space. I need a professional', sabi ko pa. After the 50-min. session, I came out mentally exhausted, really mentally exhausted that I wanted to savor it at ayoko pang umuwi ng bahay. Naglakad pa ako ng konti, nag self-debrief. I felt brave that night. I felt tired but hopeful. Napakavulnerable ko lang lately, napaka emotional, napakasensitive, and I know it is going to linger for a while. Maybe it is just fine. But from a professional's point of view, something is not. Still small win that I knock on the clinic's door. 

I paid all my dues this year. At least as far as my social security is concern. Para matapos na rin. Must I say hindi naman tayo mayaman at forever middle class tayo in my Filipino lifetime, kaya kahit papaano, ang mga government-related insurance, update update din pag may time for some safety net purposes. I feel proud pag binabayaran ko ang taxes, sss, pag-ibig, real property tax at kung ano pang government obligations. Parang napaka useful ko sa society kahit alam naman natin na napakalaki ng utang sa akin ng gobyerno when it comes to quality of living. Clean ang dues natin this year so small win. 

Told my bff, I have been thinking of Eat, Pray, Love vibes lately. Just really feeling it, something new, something personal, something that is healing on some life's deep regrets. This constant need of searching. No judgement. Everyone goes through phases. Some unfortunate ones may not even know it. For now, I just want to stay curious, rediscover things that I love and record as many beautiful moments. 

I do not know. Small wins help to get through the day. Sometimes, I feel I am running out of time. Do I even have to try or just go with the flow. Maraming magbabago at least in the next five years. I must brave these changes - both intended and by Grace. 'Change is not a choice. Not for me. It just happens and you are different' (Susan Orleans, Adaptation)