A mentor

This one is for a mentor. I met him during my early formative years as a development worker. He believed in me. It mattered a lot to me then. I needed not just a boss but I needed a figure whom I could rely on. Someone who would listen to me. Someone who would help me grow. We became close for some time. And our closeness even extended beyond office hours. He considered me as a 'golden bud' and in due time, he hoped I would turn out to be a beautiful flower. He wrote heartwarming words of encouragement in his own book that I keep. I simply looked up to him and It became personal. I got to know his long term aspirations and deepest secrets. He told me about his raw life's insecurities in the form of just about anything under the sun. He used to tell me if we had the chance and I became his eager listener.

Even when he was already leaving the office, his last day, I could not help but cry in front of the computer during that day. It was not like the last day that I would see him (I would see him more often as it turned out). But I worried what would happen to me. I felt orphaned. It was a case of  teacher leaving his student. I remember during his last working days in the office, he said to me, 'the teacher disappears when the student is ready.' The memory when he was saying that to me has remained clear. And I, always reacting a funny disposition. I was at my age when he left the office. He worked for some time also. And I happened to follow him also but in a different office.

I simply miss him. And probably because he now works in luxury cruise, I will have the hardest time to see him at an onset and to think we were just an hour distant away. Admittedly, it has been years already. He even bade goodbye through Facebook. Time lapsed.

He was never the usual mentor. He is a bitch. He is practical. He is a persistent dreamer and action man. He is world destroyer. haha. And I have learned in the process. There were some qualities that I hope I could emulate like his discipline and diction and there were some I hope to never have like his pessimism and temperament and the seemingly consistent love of money. Sometimes he feels he is entitled to a lot of things. He always asserts and I somehow link it to his gayness, which i feel somehow, he is wired to do it anyway. We gays need to assert always. We live in this peculiar society anyway and discrimination takes many forms.

I simply miss him. And I know he misses the good old days. And he usually tells me to Not Stop. Never Stop. Learn how to dance (talk about office politics). Achieve More But never lose your center. It is your principle that will keep me you in the center, It is the center that will keep you grounded. No matter how you can be far or near from the center, you are safely anchored. And you will bloom. As I am to embark another chapter, I cannot even have this clear picture. I hope not to lose faith. I need these words now. Thank God I keep them.  

Some Notes to Self*

*I wrote this piece two years ago in my personal blog. The words have never been truer. 

Dear Svelte, 

Barely six months before the year ends with six important reminders to Self!

1. Do Not Waste time. Spend it wisely with your friends and loved ones and beautiful people who do not suck the energy out of you. Of course, you cannot control negative people and their awesome negativities. Hindi ka naman Magikero. Avoid them gently with civility at heart. A revealing part is this – Do Not Waste Time means Make Time. Make time for the Soul, for the Body, for the Family, and for the Community. Be delighted of the time you have but do not be confined with Looking Forward. Instead, live A Moment while It lasts. 

2. A friend back in the theater days said, ‘When in doubt, pout!’ Maybe aside from the pouting, When In Doubt, Just Keep One’s Mouth Shut for a while. Look at the bigger picture. Look at the implications. Suspend feelings of doubt and convert them into positive energies. When the right time comes and you know you are ready, confront Doubts. You owe it to yourself an Enlightened Spirit. Always aim for moments of Clarity. 

3. Projectize, Projectize, and Projectize. Because there is so much to do and there is so much Love to Give. If some life projects become slow, do not fret because you can only take so much. Treat them as an extensive project but make sure you have gains along the way. Celebrate accomplishments. Again, You owe it to yourself if you feel you achieve something. Believe that you are making progress. But will It be nice if you can also document your progress.

4. Dreams do come true. Whatever forms, they will be yours and they will reveal themselves before you in the right time. No one, not even Climate Change can take that right time and moment from you. Continue to perfect your craft. Work diligently and yes, always choose to learn the hard and persistent way! Place your passions in a strategic manner. Do not be a Cry in a Wild. Remember, Reaping is seasonal. You may reap today but you must sow other seeds for tomorrow. Visualize. What matters most is that your dreams are being built and they are not just one-time one-hit wonders.

5. It can happen to you! That thing called special feeling, that thing called Relationship. But there is that thin line that separates love and Juan Tamad. Can you act on it? Of course, not in an overly deliberate manner. A step forward won’t hurt. Try to look around.

6. Continue building a Shared Destiny. Despite the bad weather yesterday, I had a share of few laughs and heart talk with my  high school beki friends. My bestest Rawn told me of what happened lately with his mother. It turned out that his Mom went clinically depressed due to many visitations in the hospital for some random check ups.  Among other reasons, we suspected a withdrawal syndrome. We reasoned out it may be because his mom may have realized that her children are beginning living separate lives. And the youngest siblings (not Rawn) are starting to venture out since they just graduated from college. There were moments of shared thoughts like we gays are ’destined’ to care for our parents because we’d have our hetero sisters and brothers lead families of their own and give us all their nieces and nephews in return! 

In a light moment, I said to Rawn that it is about time that he and his mother make all the  'rampa’ they can get. Would it be wonderful if they can go to parlor together, have their nails done together, shop together, pamper altogether? As I look back, the conversation left open. But there is that shared moment that we should become more proactive in our relationships with our parents. And we agreed that we should let our mothers (our fathers have passed away) continue whatever they do to keep themselves busy. Among others, by supporting their vices! (like in my case, unending house renovation project and yes, it is a vice because it is so damn out of proportions already!) 

For Starters

I feel heaven on earth when there is Good Food around.

One of better bonding times with my mother is when we get to explore new restaurants and eat something special. My mom and I will carefully examine first the food plating, describing how it is served, calculating it or if there is really something special about it in the first place.

The moment of taste comes next, which in effect will elicit comments and even memories tracing back when was the last time we probably ate the same kind of food or taste  for that matter. What could then be the secret recipe? Eating is conjoined with discovering. We do not bother to inquire around. We are satisfied with our little world of conquests and their mysteries. We taste and then follows a wonder or a disapproval of some sort. I still believe my mother is the best cook around. 

But we are not chefs. We are not doing food inventory. We are just simply eating. And I am no food expert. But I have always been curious how food is prepared  – for someone who does not even know a single kitchen work except washing the dishes - and eaten. That is true and personal. But I choose to be that way. I cannot try hard. 

But I keep a dream of a garden concept restaurant, and I share that dream with my family. In that restaurant, I sit pretty, sipping afternoon coffee, and not worrying about the profit because I will have been moneyed by then. And people as far as Timbuktu will come to my abode as if it becomes their pilgrimage. I keep a very visual image on this. And just like any dream, it should begin with a seed to be watered, to be nurtured.