Mayo Uno Muni Muni

Walang pasok. Magblog na nga lang muna 😁.  So heto ano na ba mga ganap natin lately. 

1. Masakit ang katawan. Thank you Universe at consistent ako sa pag commit to attend yoga class. It has been a month and after eight sesssions, I am still feeling it. Thank you din kase magaling ang aking teacher and she motivates me. The yoga class is small and I sometimes end up having one on one session with her. The good thing is she speaks English. The not so good thing is that the bodyaches like at this moment. Ewan ko ba, I feel my body is ageing. I can feel it. I can sense it. I need to listen to it and take time to recover. And the recovery may take while. 

But I commit to attending yoga for the rest of the year. I told my teacher na ang goal ko talaga why I attend yoga is to improve my mental clarity, my well-bieing. I feel alive when I do yoga. I feel high and my focus and clarity improve.  It is a long way for sure. But I just keep trying. My short term goal is to complete 30 hours of yoga this year. My long-term goal is to learn yoga and attend yoga classes abroad as early as next year. 

2. Maduming Bahay. Ang kalat kalat natin lately. Ang tamad nating maglinis, magtapon ng basura. Parang kailangan ko pa bang mag one-week leave para maglinis sa bahay na to? Eme. Sometimes I wish can I just hire a househelp na maging katuwang ko to clean my room. ' Sa ganyang kaliit, maghahanap ka pa ng cleaner', haha. The hard truth is I am just plain tamad and I am making all the excuses. Rinoromanticize ko ang pagaayos, haha. Well, let's see how this goes. My goal is to just do it. Usually what I do is small steps. I start in one corner then spread out. Honestly, I can 'deep clean' my room in three hours pero it takes a freakin' lifetime for me. Let's see today kase bakasyon naman.  

3. The Idea of Change. I have longed for stability but always change is on the looming and yes, it can be a way of life for some who live in a precarious situation like me. I do not know if I can still muster enough strength if I happen to be in a position again where everything is in transition or if I can just go along with it. It can get feel trapped while working here, while living here. But on the other hand, it can feel liberating and secure.  I can only manage and balance the expectations. At the least, be grateful. 'Kung ano ang ibinibigay na nakalaan saiyo, walang labis, walang kulang.' These reassuring words. Minsan I question my fate. Questioning why I still feel I want more. And honestly, it is not really a good attitude. I can still make changes. And it can still lead somewhere better, always for the better. Everyone deserves the happiness. Along with hard work and discipline- things that I feel I miss either doing or overdoing, or not just being smart on it. I promise to myself that I won't 'question' the wisdom of Universe. It's hard and I am trying.                                                                                                       

 

'You think you have the time'

Akala ko marami tayong oras. Back then in my late 20s-early 30s, maraming pinaglalaban, maraming pinagpapaliban. Kase ok lang, dami pa namang time. Dami pa namang energy. But now, I feel 'time is running out'. To be fair, I would like to view this on an optimistic note. It started growing on me when I entered in my 40s. Now, it's three years since the start of my big Four O. I feel I need to take time on what matters. And yes, for most of the time, it's harder than what I think. Maraming moments that led me to reinforce this 'you think you have the time' eme, coinciding with my birthday season.  

Number 1. My boss. She is on a work from home pseudo on leave for six months because her daughter is transitioning to Kinder. Mandated by Korean law eme. Kaya ayahay sa opisina despite all the busyness it can get. Actually my point is grade 1 pa lang ang anak niya at halos late 40s na siya. As I see it, she is actually 'chasing time' with her daughter, spending all the time that she can get because when I estimate it, she is actually way senior by the time her daughter finishes college. Anyhows, she was advised by our No. 1 boss to spend as much time with her daughter because life is really fast and time is everchanging. I feel for her and for the situation. I feel the love and the 'urgency' for it. Actually here, since it is an ageing society, family life starts later in life. Then one child lang per couple, normally. Not that I need family life but in our 40s, this is the part where I say we need to chase time in a healthy balanced way.  

Number 2. Memory forgetting. One of my life project is to make a pangmalakasang life photo album. An improved version from our titas 90s album na di plastic cover. Equally fulfilling is the process of organizing and sorting out photos and bringing back all the memories. I know this takes time and it is a long-term. I cannot do it in one sitting or even in a year or two. It has to be by phases. Ang tagal na nitong project na ito and yes, I make excuses all the time. 

There are many moments of late that I forget things. Small silly moments that matter. For example I mistook the toothpaste as a facial wash. I lost two earbuds. Napaisip ako. Memory loss is part of ageing and set of given na siya and I wont even stress about it. Pero I cannot just simply fade my life moments like that - on the basis na simply nakalimutan ko na. I must hold on to them and cherish them. I know, there is always Facebook and Instagram. Pero iba pa rin yung you take time and choose photos that mean to you. I feel it is really a good exercise every once in a while. In our 40s, this is the part where I say I need to start cherishing time in a healthy balanced way.  

Number 3. There is really no right decision. Decide and work on it to make it right. There is no substitute for hard work. There is no substitute for learning. There is no substitute for diligence. If I want to be a conversationalist Bahasa Indonesia speaker, I cannot just stay in a cafe and listen to Indonesian pop songs lang. I have to make a study plan and evolve from there. If I intend to be a Japanophile for life, hindi ako aasa ng free airfare sa opisina. Instead, I really have to do work on it and deep dive. Because that's how it is. It is the work that you do that makes it right. Kung need kong mag spring cleaning, hindi lang ako bibili ng bagong walis, ako ay magwawalis eme. If I need to be a gold bar collector, I have to learn the trade at magipon for the capital hehe. Actually hindi naman ito sikreto. In our 40s, this is the part where I say working out the time in a healthy balanced way.  

So, yun lang din ang mga reminders for the self for now. Sort of like birthday gift to myself, which I somehow celebrated with the least fanfare. Naisip ko lang how so uneventful yung birthday ko mismo, haha, that I end up promising that I am going to celebrate it the whole year round! 

The Notebook

I have always kept this notebook with me. I bought it April 03, 2017. Tanda ko ba nasa bookstore ako sa Yokohama at nainlove ako dito. I fell in love with the paper, the simplicity of the cover. It would be nice to record your Bucket List, as the notebook suggests. Maganda ang concept at siyempre maganda din naman ang mga pa bucket list concept eme. Ano pa ba ang ibang gagawin natin in life. Alang naman maghintay na lang tayo hanggang tumegi? Talaga lang ba? Yun na lang, lol.  

Simple lang ang nasa loob. Ilista ang 100 bucket lists. There are two pages for every bucket list. 2017 ko pa ito nabili. Until now I have not used it. Naluma na lang ang cover. Nagka Covid na at lahat. After six years, it is still here, naghihintay ng isusulat ko. 

Kanina habang nagaayos. Napansin ko na naman siya. Bakit ba hindi ko ito ginagamit. Ano pang silbi nito? Dahil ba medyo may kamahalan ang notebook na ito? Or katamaran na lang? May planner / journal / personal notes naman ako to be fair at tinatago ko naman siya. Or may malalim ba na dahilan? All of the Above. 

Pag nakikita ko itong notebook na ito. Maraming frustrations ang riniremind sa akin. Mga pangarap na hanggang pangarap na lang. Mga pangyayaring naguwi ng hindi magandang alaala. Mga paalala ng kahinaan ng hindi pagtupad at pagkumpleto ng mga kung ano anong pangarap. So, ano pa ang silbi ng notebook na ito?

Yeah, hindi ko alam kung bakit yan ang feeling ko. Siguro sa pagsinulat ko ito, hanggang sa sulat na lang. I ji- jinx ko na lang. Naunahan lang ng nega. At pagod na ako sa pagbuo ng mga kung ano anong pa konsep at pa bucket list sa buhay ko, sa totoo lang. Ewan ko ba. Nadisillusioned na yata si accla. 

Do not be fooled though. Madami din naman nangyaring milestones ano ho. Kulang lang sa 'deep documentation' haha bukod dito sa blog at mga pa instagram at X, formerly known as twitter, at Facebook. 

Well, why could I not just throw it all away? Well, Nasasayangan ako. And the fact that I still have it with me means I cannot just give up on it. Pero OA naman yata yung six years ng paghihintay. Hindi naman yata puwedeng ganoong katagal. Ilang beses na rin ako nag Marie Kondo ng mga notebooks, pero this notebook still sparks Joy. I could not help but think about it the whole afternoon today. Gagamitin ko na ba? Ano ilalagay ko kung may planner naman na ako? Siyempre itratransfer ko lang haha.  

Sana ngayong taong ito. May I overcome this fear. Wala naman sa bucket list ko ang magtravel sa Mars, ano ho. Simple lang din naman ang mga pangarap ko sa buhay. At ang mga bucket list naman is hindi lang pang materyal, puwede naman na say, Puntahan mo ang nawawala mong kaibigan at sampalin mo siya. Eme. 

Sana magamit ko na ito. Ang notebook ng buhay ko. All those lost years came to an end in 2023. This year is the first of many years of discovery and finally, I am found. Enter Barbra Streisand, ' I finally found someone, someone who shares my life...' 

Early Yearender.

Nag year ender na agad. Ano to, end of fiscal year? Sort of. I do not know. I feel like feeling retrospective habang nagrerecharge after all the work-related activities. Where have all the time gone? 82% of the year have passed. Siguro naman puwede na tayong mag muni muni. And let the remaining 18% of the year enable you to end this year and start the year on a good note. Char.

Sabi natin slow and grow tayo ngayong 2023 pero hindi natin nabalance ang supply-demand chain! char. So fast and furious? Ganern. Daming work pero pagkatapos ng work, nganga na lang. What i mean is mas pinili na lang natin na matulog, mag doom scrolling, mag muni muni, mag romanticize ng mga bagay bagay, mag day dreaming. Personal goals have been sidelined much of the time. Unread books, unfinished online courses, interrupted fitness. Personal discipline and routine were bare minimum. Prospective relationships were not reinforced. 

Yes, I did follow my own pace. And yes, ayoko naman ding ipressure ang sarili ko because it is counter productive. 

Work has been piling up. Hindi naman natatapos. Work travels have been here and there and I lost count. Next year sana marunong ng mag manage mag mission mga colleagues ko para yung mga foreign trips ko ay yung hawak ko na talaga.

It was also a year of health scare. I feel my 'mortality' char. Labas pasok ako sa clinic and a part of it was due to anxiety as well. Anxiety stems out from the fact that I feel vulnerable because the irony of it, I do not have a 'suki clinic' to go to kahit alam mong ang dami dito. Kung gusto mo nga oriental medicine, ang dami din.  I do not speak the language confident enough to look for it. My hair is thinning and my treatment has not been working as well. So, at my age, I feel the stroke of physical ageing. 

It was a year of personal distractions, procrastinations, clutter. Ewan ko ba kahit paglabas ng basura, inaanalyze ko pa. Why can't i just throw it all way? Pati paglinis, ginagawa ko pa siyang isang big event na puwede naman gawin in 30 mins. I get easily distracted these days doing small things. And God knows, I need more focus. 

What is keeping me focused, the truth to it, is my work!. This year,  kahit daming demands, I got to enjoy the work and I think I am slowly finding a renewed joy. And work time is the best time for me to get focused and get things done. 

It is a year of brewing resentment to myself. I do not know, for the lack of better term. It is like you're caught between boredom at idleness. My bff advised me that I have a big mental space and I need to fill it up so as not to feel 'angry' about myself. I guess the term is impatience. I guess the term is the chronic dissatisfaction. 

To my mind, I have always thought about 'healing' - 'coming to terms'. I think about organizing myself here and there, completing big things, just to put things in perspective and maybe that is the healing part. 

But one thing is certain, I do not want to be 'angry' or be bored at myself for no reasons. I had a deep conversation with my friend two nights ago about this. And I am glad that I was able to identify this personal issue. 

2023 is the year of crystallizing. Maraming bagay na feeling ko 'it has to stop'. and 'it has to stop' now and replace them anew. But this requires discipline, routine, and joy and to some extent money and yes, essentially, with a help of people who love and care for you. 

It is like removing weeds from your lawn. And in 2023, I started realizing the weeds and started weeding them out but in a rather slow process. In 2024, all I hope is the tenacity to remove the ones that do not help your secret garden of life. 

Entries

Entry No. 1

I do not know how I got here and I feel like there is no turning back. 

Never thought this year, I would be in and out of clinic for sipon, ubo, allergy, sakit sa ulo, sakit sa katawan, sakit sa urinary tract, sa ngipin, fever then repeat again. And....hypertension. It's almost like life biting at you, 'so manay, bibigyan na kita ng prelude kung patuloy pa rin ang misplaced kaartehan mo sa life,' sabi ng Universe. 

Ginawa ko ng 7-11 si doktor bff with all my online health consultation plus kamustahan tapos sabay hirit na 'Matanda na tayo mih, tanggapin na natin ito' habang katono niya si Zenayda Zeva na nagbibigay ng horoscope for the day.  

Matagal ko ng tanggap na makyunders ako. Hindi tayo nagpapanggap dahil mali yun haha. Ang di ko matanggap bakit minsan asal bata pa rin ako. char. Ayokong maging matandang hukluban, matandang daming issues sa buhay na para bang 'hello, mars, anong ginawa mo noong cuarenta ka!?', matandang daming what ifs. Gusto ko lang maging maganda at kaakit akit. Mahirap bang abutin yun? I guess it's about managing the self which makes it harder than it seems. 

Entry No. 2

September 2023. Sabi ko, anong nangyari. Lately, anong nangyayari, where have all the time gone? Bakit yung mga librong nabili ko, hindi ko man lang nababasa? Bakit di ako makakumpleto ng pelikula sa Netflix? Bakit di ko man lang maumpisahan yung language at certification courses ko ng tuloy tuloy? Why can't I continue my self preservation project? Nasaan na yung mga pazumba ko? Char. And here's the holiday coming. Sa palagay mo ba, makaka zen ako with all the end of year activities at mga social obligations natin.

I must say since the early part of this year, I have not been really doing much self-care. Illusion ba ang self-care, char. Minsan napapaisip ako, I have all the time in this city yet I still look for it. I must say 2023 so far, walang 'genuine' pahinga for me. Akala ko ba slow and grow. Yung mga patravel travel ko, ma kaqualify ko ba ang one to two days off as 'genuine' pahinga. Siyempre hindi. 

Entry No. 3 

I miss growing up with my family and I have been growing apart from them since day 1. Just being there makes the difference and feels reassuring. 

I miss honoring my experience. To be just there and being alive with no judgement. Every detail is joy. These days can be mechanical. Maitawid lang natin. 

I miss being in the company of community of believers. I miss my sociology of friends. We have been growing distant but we make effort to see each other at least once a year. I miss our random meet-ups and just share whatever opportunities we can make. I miss my peers. Those whom you can share your purpose of work in the long run and collaborate with them. I miss practicing sociology. It is still very much alive. 

I miss my spirituality. No personal retreat this year so far. I need to have one. I miss the Worship. I miss God. 

I miss my friends and making new friends. Friendship is a lifetime gift. Proximity helps and here I am growing apart from them. Nah, it is not an issue actually. I just miss the proximity. I just miss the possibility that anytime you can see each other and spend the whole afternoon nonchalantly. 

I miss the work. I miss development work. I still do but my heart is wandering hard core development  work. One day, I was so into daydreaming with myself on a sea riding on a banca going from island to island, just visiting communities, eating with the people and teaching them some stuff. Then you go home again via the sea. There was also a time what if I work in a global office that helps bring EJK to justice including Philippines' case. What if I work in an office that helps promote free mobility or cities that promote clean markets and reduce noise pollution. I know this is a long game. I just miss the work.