Postcard from the Soul

Guess what? After my mission work, sumambulat ang chika na magreresign na ang boss ko. After 13 years in the office, she is leaving. Nang nagkausap kami, matagal naman daw niya pinagisipan. Mukhang hindi naman siya worried sa next employment niya. She wants to spend more time with her daughter. May mga offers naman daw. Mukhang secured and comfortable naman siya sa kanyang desisyon. 

Ano ang naramdaman ko? Mixed emotions. A part of me is saying 'ok. we all need growth'. Matagal na rin naman ang boss ko sa opisina. I must admit for the longest time, she has been a non-perfoming asset. 'She basically stopped working,' sabi nga ng isang former officemate ko. And I mean she has been like that for years and it has gotten worse. 

One time pumunta sa congress walang dalang office-related documents kahit laptop. Pag nageevent para din siyang participant, isang layer na kailang ng separate briefing. Lugi ang opisina sa kanya kahit saang anggulo mo tingnan. And I can attribute it to the fact that she is a full time mom and she has not upgraded herself for so long. I think she was one those silver platter people na walang konsepto ng hard work. 

Of late, one time she asked me to write a strategic briefer. I made an outline then she emailed a revised one. Dapat daw 'more comprehensive'.  Dapat daw ganoon ako mag develop ng briefer. But when I looked at the document, I swear, it's a chat gpt document, may small icon pa.  I was so pissed off. I wonder did she even manage to read and understand the document. 

Despite the flaws, she gave me a big window to maneuver, almost independent in my programming - one of the main reasons why I still stick to the office. She trusts me and I can be honest about her. I can be transparent with my feelings to her. With the almost independent approach to me, I can manage my program well. I can decide on many aspects. Bagay na I have become comfortable all through my stay and have become reflective of my work style. Kahit mag isa at ako'y nahihirapan, walang kaso sa kanya basta gawin ko ang trabaho ng maayos. 

And with this most of the time, I do not really make kuwento sa kanya. Limited debriefing moments. Kung wala naman akong decision points na ipapaconsult, huwag ko na lang siya i consult. Enough of the small talk din. Wala akong energy for that as well. Ibang iba ako when I get to mingle with Filipino colleagues. But when I am with my other colleagues, I can be very straightforward. Feeling ko may lahi din akong German. 

'Ang daya naman niya hanggang sa huli', sabi ko. Magreresign in a month's notice at gagamitin ang leave so halos two weeks na lang siya sa opisina.  I do not know how the turnover will be. Bakit siya madaya?...Naunahan ako hehe. I have plans na as much as possible kung puwede hanggang next year na lang ako. Well, here we are. I feel my plans have been stalled. To my mind, bahala na si batman. 

During one of the last meetings, sabi ko, huwag na muna silang magmadali mag hire because we need a quality director and disruptions during the transitions shall be minimal. In this case, I may need to take charge as officer in charge until such time a director will be appointed, she suggests.

It's a call of duty, sabi ko na lang. More than that, I want to buy time for myself. If I do not find my new boss as a partner, I may just work my way out. Ganoon na din naman kase. Sa office, I feel I have I have the institutional authority already. It is either I guard it or let the new people come and take over, or worse just erase our office's institutional history. I cannot let the organization go to waste, go into the hands of the tyrants. 

So where is this leading me? On a more personal note, I will just wait for my principals to decide on the next steps. If I take charge the program, the funny thing is, kahit wala naman yung current boss ko, it is proceeding as planned. If I take charge the program, it's a big shoes to fill but I am confident naman (confident kase nga yung boss ko naman is essentially absentia for the longest time, imagine taga sign lang siya!) 

As I am writing this, it's all blank bordering nonchalant for me. Nangingibabaw yung mga personal setbacks / plans ko naman. Nangingibabaw yung mga moments ko sa recent kong pagbisita sa Manila. Nangingibabaw yung pamangkin ko ang galing mag drawing and I am hoping na sana maging artist siya paglaki. 

Ganoon siguro pag matanda ka na, alam mo na rin naman kung hanggang saan ang pinaglalaban mo. A welcome development for me.

Some Hard Truths Manifesto

1. Wala tayong maaasahan kundi sarili natin. So I better take care of myself and I take care of myself more. Pero hindi ito sapat na dahilan para hindi maging humble. Humingi ng tulong kung kinakailangan. 'Ask and you shall receive'. Busy na ang mga tao at hindi nila nababasa ang saloobin ko kaya sabihin natin. 'Ask and you shall receive' at kung mareject, then move on and huwag magtanim ng hinanakit. Diyan nadodown ang halos lahat ng tao, ang mag expect. At iyan di ang ugali ko minsan, nageexpect ako sa mga tao - to somehow 'take care of me'. 

Napaka ironic minsan. I have been living independently for all of my life yet I still find myself of wanting to take care of myself more. It is almost like an unending project. Totoo naman kase. The self is a lifetime project. Self-care is such a big word. The most important thing for now for me are 'the life tools and skills at my disposal' and the 'discipline' to live through it. Hindi naman nagkulang magpayo ang mundo sa atin kung ano ang puwede nating gawin to take care of ourselves. Most of the time, it is just the managing part of it and the resolve to make it happen.

 

2.  Life Honeymooning is Over. Life Reset Now. For almost most parts of my young adult life (23-44), go with the flow lang ako despite being vulnerable din. Parang mauubusan lagi ng pera. Parang ang dami nating patutunayan sa life, sa madlang people. Pero parang ang daming shortcomings? How did I arrive to this perspective na most of the time I subscribe? It is really childhood/ early adult trauma. Isama mo na ang mga hindi natin nakumpletong life projects. Puro na lang tayo trabaho. I feel like I am trapped in this cycle. I do not feel the 'life growth' anymore. Ang tagal na nating ganito ang estado. Marami akong sinisisi. Like Covid. Like family. Like failed friendships. Like failing career. Like myself. Last year was a revelation. Dami nating detox sa therapy. And I am proud of it. And I am coming to terms. 

3. Treat your life as a project and plan it out otherwise others will plan and do it for you and you will definitely not like it. I am not starting from scratch. Excited ako sa mga plano natin this year. Naka excel sheet naman na. Nasulat na, nakapost it pa. I am investing in my alternative career / passion project.  Long term din ang pagtingin. I am casting a wide net. I can be ambitious and smart about it. I have faith. 'In God's own good time,' 'In his own good time'. For now, I am singing Barbra Streisand's Don't Rain on My Parade. 

January The Month That Was

1. It is that time of the year na magfoform ka ng expectations, magsusulat ka ng mga plano. Maglilista ka ng mga resolutions. Ok rin sa akin yun kesa naman wala. I like planning. I like moving forward. I am on the side na mas ok pa rin na magplan ka for yourself or else other will plan it for you and most of the time you won't like it all. Kaya heto mga bucket lists, here and there. Most of them are carried out from last year. Some of them compliance. Others kumoconcept. Overall, it is focus, faith, hope and grace I need to carry so that most of my bucket lists will be achieved this year. As for the list, no grand plans. Pinaka effort na yata yung mga photo book and some travel, na tied naman sa work ko.  

2. Siyempre nagplaplano din ang opisina. Of late, walang bukam bibig ang boss ko kundi maghanap na daw kami ng pera for funding our activities since sinabihan na kami ng city hall. And my exaggerated self in me is saying baka magsara na kami (na malayo pa naman mangyari). And honestly, ang pangit lang ng bungad ng taon kung ganoon ang vibrations. Well, it is just business as usual. 

What is actually frustrating is malalaman mo din talaga na swerte mo na lang din kung kasama ka sa mga plano nila and all the time, hindi. Yung boss ko - hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga pinaglalaban niya? Nag life catch up kami and I realized na weak ang foundation niya. Inaasa lang niya sa iba ang groundwork, and that even includes her career. I do not know if she has some ownership to begin with. Kaya of late sa work, I cannot overcommit. I am in my closing in, closing out phase. Napaparesign lang ako. Will I resign this year? I can but I am not ready. The thing is no one is really ready. 

3. I started to run, like in a threadmill. Not running fast pero ok na rin ang 30 minutes. I started going to the gym, twice to thrice a week. Nagzuzumba pag Monday which is my highlight. Then tambay sa gym on some days, at least 1-2 hours. I like it. It gives me a sense of routine. Plus maganda ang gym. May pa sauna at mini pool. Masarap talagang tumakbo. And yes, my running playlist is budotz mix. It helps. I intend this to be a habit. No excuses. Kuarentahin na ang lola mo. My goal is to at least spend 50 hours in a gym this year which is about three months. Extend natin yan pero for now, kumpletuhin muna natin. 

4. Hindi na pala ako lumipat ng bahay. Maraming factors - lack of time, nagbakasyon din ako ng matagal noong holiday kaya hindi ko na naasikaso. Somehow, ok na rin naman. Wala naman increase sa rent, which is a good deal. At wala na rin akong makakahanap ng ganito ka mura din at kaaccessible. I just need to make most out of it. At yung masasave ko naman, pang gastos na lang sa iba. Last year, i was thinking this would be the big change, and this would help me reduce my depression. Pero tinamad na din. And more than tinamad, again, the practical side of things. 

For now, I am just busy moving things para magfeeling bago ang vibes. I am also decluterring and trying not to add some home stuffs anymore.   

  

 

  

Full of One

1. So kamusta naman na? This holiday is kakaiba. Nagdecide kami with some of the fam to spend Christmas in Bangkok. Naenjoy naman. Nagenjoy din bulsa ko, kaloka. On a more personal note, I am happy kase I got to spend time with my Mom out of country and we talked some plans in the coming years. Matanda na rin si Mama and we are catching up on the lost time. One thing I realize is puwede at kaya naman pala mag out of town as long as the logistics are planned well. May kasama din kaming pamangkin so there are many considerations. Well for one thing, we did not DIY. Halos lahat di sundo at pa private tour. That is where the preparation takes the details. I needed to consider the hotel's vibes as well. Naitawid naman namin. I also got to have as much sleep. Yung schedule naman namin is not mala Amazing Race. Maka quota kami ng isang activity per day, ok na. Usually for dinner sa hotel na lang. I intend to organize a yearly event. It may not always be outside the country pero consistent dapat.

2. At nagpaiwan na rin ako dito. I like Bangkok. It's like Manila with triple upgrade. Sometimes I see myself making a living here. Supposedly babalik na ako sa Seoul but then naisip ko, malamig, naka leave naman ako, or puwede naman akong mag work from home and honestly, I do not like feeling celebrating my yearender there. Somehow I do not like seeing my friends there rin muna. Parehas lang naman na magisa ako almost all the time, eh dito na lang. So far, bedrotting and doomscrolling haha. Ewan ko, most of the time I am here in bkk, I do not usually plan in details. Basta ok na sa akin na malapit sa MRT/ BTS and I can go anywhere I like. My plan is to just get the sense of calmness and gratitude and renewal in the coming year. 

3. There is a lot to be grateful in 2025 with all its challenges and gains. I am just grateful na nalampasan natin ang mga hanash. Work was steady. Health was steady but needs more effort. Sa aspetong financial, nagkakautang pero nababayaran naman kalaunan. 

But one aspect na hindi natin makakaila this year was working out my mental state of mind. Six months din tayong pabalik balik sa counseling center. I showed up with the hope that I keep myself at bay with all my anxiety, fear, and ruminations and self pity. I was bored, challenged, chronically dissatisfied. I was resenting for no reasons. Kulang na lang kumanta ako ng Reflection (more of Christina Aguilera's Version), 'Who is that girl I see, staring straight at me, back at me?' Kaloka but true. 

As I cap off my year, I realize that most of the time this year, I just chose to not exert effort. I procrastinated. I simply chose not to do, not to pursue things. I made a lot of personal excuses. I made a lot of time planning, sorting out. I overhwhelmed and overcommitted. I put everything in half-baked. Kung makumpleto naman, dinadownplay agad and I do not cherish enough. And I know this is not true and this is also being unfair to myself. 

4. I realized that I had been 'full of myself'. I miss the 'hard work'. I miss taking chances. I miss my myself thriving, vibrant, my gayness. Yung hindi ka takot magkamali. Namiss kong maging maganda. At feeling ko, I  have been shit talking for most of the time this year. Again, alam ko naman that this is not true. This is also being unfair to myself. Feeling ko maraming nawalang opportunities sa akin or nag stall muna because of I took care of my mental state. Nag rest muna ako. Nag steady ng routine. I just let it flow. Sabi ng therapist ko, If I think maraming nawala sa akin this year because of depression, can it also be true na marami ka ding na gain when I decided to work out of my depression? 

5. What did I gain? I gained a sense of peace and resolve. I gained a sense of calmness and continuous healing. I feel braver because I showed up. I feel more confident because I accepted to become vulnerable. One thing that struck me in our sessions was she said that depression is not a label, but it is a feeling. Just like any other feeling, it is fleeting. Almost a fleeting year.  I think and feel I become a better person this year, in all honesty.  

Lessons Learned 2025

1. 'I never felt alone' and I am really living alone. For the first time since I do not know when. It is the big reveal. Talaga palang magisa pala talaga ako dito. The reality knocks hard on me. Minsan malungkot. Pero the truth is it is really more on managing myself that is the biggest challenge. Sabi nga nila, when no one is looking, I am as free. But same goes as well as when no one is looking, I can be the most vulnerable. 

The challenge is how to manage myself. It is just ironic that I seem to have all the time yet a genuine time for myself is still found wanting. There were moments I prayed hard and harder to keep my faith back. I felt like my faith has gone out of the window. The pressure to self has become so unnecessary. So what do I do? I live day by day, trying to get away from whatever distractions as much as possible. And keep the discipline and flow.    

2. Friends are leaving. For now. People change. That is the hard truth. Friends have different phases in their lives. They change. Tanggap ko naman na. May nangiiwan. May hindi na nagpaparamdam. My regret? Minsan iniisip ko why did I spend a lot of time with them, what for?, I know this is a not a good attitude, and that is the sad part. Understanding is harder. And I am trying to understand. But then the hinanakit. Yung being truthful. Puwede naman magpaalam. Well, some people will not give you that privilege. Siguro, it is more on being honest. Well again some people will not give you that privilege either. So what do I do? I remain open. Mahirap din naman na magpakabitter. I pray for more understanding because I do not. How I wish I have more genuine friends in the future, which I will like to work on. I miss being Miss Friendship. I miss being Miss Congeniality.  

3. Transformation. I do not know. Para akong naging mas seryoso, mas naging deliberate, intentional, negiotiating. 2025 has been the year of so many questions. Kulang na lang tanungin ko din sa sarili ko ang 'Where lies my future?' which was natanong ko din pala. Kaloka. Andoon pa rin yung uncertainty, precarity, yung feeling ko konti na lang oras natin yet I still cannot believe I could accomodate a lot of crap into my life, missed opportunities, incomplete tasks, unnecessary habits, people who do not even deserve my attention. Marami rami pa din naman. And then, nagising na lang ako isang araw na, what the hell, Now I feel blank? What do I do? What have I been doing? Where are my passions? Where are my favorite things? Puro na lang tayo trabaho? Nasaan na ang paglalandi? What am I doing? I need to do things that matter to me?! So mga ganyang drama. 

4.  Tuloy pa rin naman ang appointment ko sa pyschiatrist ko. I like our moments. at naisip ko lang, kailan kaya matatapos ang depression ko? At medyo, tanggap ko na rin naman na medyo matatagalan and I can only hope that I be healed soon. On a personal note, I feel fine living with it for now as long as I take care of it and be kind to it. Looking back, what if I did not choose this path? What If I had not visited the clinic? Saan na kaya ako ngayon?

It seems like wala akong urgency to heal. I know this takes time. Sabi ko nga I may as well write a book or make a creative project, para maging productive man lang. Well, I have some project ideas as early as late this year. I must say my condition is better now than July. I am on my road to healing.Sabi nga ni Mariah, 'Nothing is Impossible' and I am 'Here For It All'