1. I was out of country for a month for a long mission. Most of my mission was in my Home. Little did I know it could be one of the most stressful, more than the physical, but on an emotional and mental level. Ang tagal ko ng ginagawa ito at confident na dapat ako sa mga ganitong aspeto. Wala naman palya sa mga naging lakad namin. But I think I snapped, or triggered. Or I let my emotions taking me over.
2. One trigger was money. I was running low on my budget and the office did not give us an allowance (I share some fault). I did not prepare for it. Nasira pa mga credit cards at naiwan pa mga cash ko sa Seoul. I must admit I was making a big deal out of nothing of a big deal. Unless may bibilhin tayong kotse along the way. I have long realized why do I have this kind of attitude? And it is not healthy. I realize it can boil down to planning. And really just sticking to the essentials, which I did all along after the mission.
3. Another trigger was home. I went Home. And my sister was leaving Home . Nagspend muna ako ng mga ilang araw sa Bikol, spending quality time with my frenemy niece and my sister and my mom. Then spending in my home, there is so much to do, so much to repair, so much to improve. It can be exciting. I can look forward to it. But at the onset, I felt, 'anong gagawin ko dito?' I could not connect anymore. There is no one to talk to except my family and relatives. It can be boring. I got emotionally stressed on the prospect. I worry about my ageing mom. At pasaan pa, kargo ko din ang mag manage ng household. All I could do is to lift them up to the Universe. I feel a blank canvas. Perhaps that is what makes it exciting and accepting and calming at the same time.
4. Masakit pa rin ang wrist natin. It is healing though. Sa pagmamadali pagkuha ng luggage, parang nabalian ako ng buto. Buti naman at wala as per doctor. It happened while offloading our luggages at the airport. Then I became really pissed off. 'Bakit ba ako nagmamadali?, Ito namang mga kasama ko sa biyahe, wala naman silang pakialam!'. I realized that ayoko silang kasama. Napapagod ako sa kakaalala sa kanila when in fact, they won't care. Now this is this misplaced privilege. That is the problem. When I travel with my colleagues, I feel it is rather really more of a responsibility. I do not get to enjoy it. Then I realized I do am mentally, emotionally tired, needing a bit of a prolonged rest.
5. That was my boss believed - that I need to rest, I became too stressed with the mission, doubly stressed because the mission work was home. And the fact that I could not see myself going back to the Philippines yet. And I am not ready but I already made a decision. Early this week, I had a long lunch with her. I became emotional. Lumuluha ako habang linalabas ko ang frustration ko sa opisina. The trigger was the allowance that could have given to us before the travel. She did not believe me somehow. 'Paulie, the allowance was just mere 20% (nung kwinenta ko, halos 6k lang lol). She believed said I needed to rest. In hindsight, hindi ko masabi sa boss ko na 'I have not really been feeling it lately these days.' Minsan it can be a generalized condition for me. In the end, It's me who will take matters on my own hands.
6. Gusto ko yung Inside Out 2. One of the better movies of recent. Daming takeaways. I can really relate as far as emotions are concern. It struck me when there was a scene that essentially means we get to choose our emotions and not the other way around. Or at least manage well. Another was indeed, pagadult ka na, you may be feeling less joy. The antidote to anxiety is really joy. joy and sadness are intertwined. anger and disgust can be tricky. paandar naman si nostalgia. anxiety can only be positive on the measures that you can control. What i realize is emotions can be healthy. And as we grow old, emotions can really help us navigate our lives as long as we're honest to ourselves.
7. So where lies in the next months ahead. Tuloy pa rin ang trabaho at tuloy pa rin ang mga hanash. Gusto ko mag slow down at magconserve ng energy. And frankly, I do not know what this means. But I need to venture out, jumpstarting my personal projects, completing most of them and tidying up. Searching as many good opportunities and reskilling myself. Yeah, we're in this endless cycle of life regenerating and rejuvenating. A step at a time.
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