Early Friday morning. Taking a day off to take a slow day. Magtratrabaho lang din naman ng konti kalaunan. Magblog na lang nga muna.
I miss the hard work. I miss the self-discipline. It has been a while. Ano ba itong pinagagawa ko? Of late, I cannot help but think that I need some break. A prolonged break. And I say I won't be able to afford it. And I say I do not know what to do with it. There is this sense of blank wall and it is becoming futile. It is almost like I am running out of options. Bored or just plain recovering since I just got a week from a mission.
I miss myself. Yung konting pa deep na missing myself level. I miss doing what I like to do, love to do, passionate to do. I cannot even complete watching a Netflix movie. I must admit that it can sometimes be hard to looking forward to the day. In denial pa rin ako na well, if you're adult, you're still very much responsible for yourself especially if no one is around you.
I miss my productive self. Nagrereklamo palagi na after work ay pagod na tayo at wala na tayong energy to venture for more, mapasaang bagay. Most of the time, pagdating sa bahay, nakabuyangyang na lang tayo. Deserve naman natin ang some slack. I miss the zest. Or is this plain denial na busy lang talaga ako and I do not manage my time well.
I miss the focus. Daming distractions lately. Mostly from social media, doom scrolling. Just this week, may dalawa akong na overlap na schedules na meeting. Naitawid naman. Dami lang detalye minsan sa opisina kahit maliit na bagay minsan tumatakaw ng oras. Alam naman natin na di masisiksik ang lahat ng bagay sa isang araw. Alam naman natin ang iba't ibang time management tools. Kaya heto I am practicing time blocking. Baka mag improve naman sana ang focus ko.
I miss my friends. Just really 'exhaling' with them over a coffee, dinner, or some vacation. I miss meeting new ones. Miss Friendship naman tayo.
And I miss my Gayness, my pagkabakla! Hindi na tayo nakakalandi. Hindi na tayo makabili ng floral shirts, puro na lang itim or plain color. Hindi na tayo makafacial or maka gym. I really do miss my gayness. Ang bakla kong tao pero wala man lang akong flower vase sa room ko. Patingin tingin lang ako sa Daiso. I am becoming boring but I am not a boring person. I just miss what it feels like to be beautiful inside and out.
What this boils down to: Sige lang, push lang. Pasasaan din yan. Paulit ulit na pagpersevere hanggang sa mareach natin ang mga hanash natin sa buhay. Then push ulit. Landiin natin ang buhay. Hindi naman ibig sabihin for sex. Essentially, it is the art and joy of living. Konting arte lang din. Na miss ko na ang pagiging Maarte! Baka makatulong. Gusto lang naman natin na mag thrive. Gusto lang naman natin maging at peace with myself.
