Reflection

Dear You,

'The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are' - Carl Jung

I chanced upon this in a random post. Yung feeling na para akong napalingon bigla sa random quote na ito. Then I began to think how does it relate to me?

Lately, I have been thinking on some things, some feelings, some circumstances, some lost measure, some lost causes. Some things I may have lost somewhere down this road called Life. Some feelings that I could not take back anymore. Probably the zest, the mojo, the groove. Perhaps, the authenticity of my purpose. I try to believe that what I have is more than enough. I cannot ever be more grateful. I cannot ask for more. But sometimes, it is inevitable. You try to ask for more. And sometimes you do not know what.

I can blame it on my childhood and formative years, perhaps. I am a believer in sad/happy childhood theory. The early struggle that I was exposed with. I knew I was different and I felt I always needed to prove something. That constant motion of wanting to be somewhere, to be someone - from one affirmation to the next. That always wanting to be more than what is suitable.

Then back to reality. You try to count your blessings. You negotiate. It is not that bad as it seems. A little habit of positive disposition can help. You begin to have this confidence anew.

But when will this cycle ever end. Or I can be resigned to this usual scheme of things. Many told me it is a matter of perspective. Many told me to just do what you love to do - and be confident that everything will follow. Many told me to take a step at a time. I believe all the solutions are there. Ang bilis lang kase sabihin to be fair.

Perhaps what I seek is a sign of reassurance. From whom, from the universe? Maybe the spring time is reassuring me. That whatever happens, there is a season for just about everything, for renewal, despair. And it is time for a promise, for a reassurance that I can begin again, a quick reboot.

Someone said more than passion, it is the purpose that sets you in motion. Passion is useless if you do not have the discipline, practice and if it is not directed at some life mission, or purpose. I am slowly losing grip in all of these. But I cannot give this away. And springtime tells me to get a good hold before it is too late.

Wish and Rejection and Being Sexy

Grabe. I feel I have been so 'immobile' in this country. In a sense that I cannot just 'travel' to countries that those require visa for personal travels. The latest is Japan, one of my most personal fave! At na reject ang visa application ko!

And I was so pissed off! I could not contain my frustration. It could have been a perfect birthday getaway for me - even for just three short days. Plus it could have been a perfect catch up with Manay Geng. That was the plan. The reason for my rejection - my 'Korean bank account' is low. I have to establish that I am capable of 'leaving Korea and visiting in Japan'. I had a feeling they were laughing when they saw my local bank account statement and to be fair, natatawa din ako! haha. 

There is a good reason to it. I barely keep money in my Korean local bank account since I got here. I transfer most of them to my Philippine personal bank account as part of my savings. Sometimes, when it's nearing pay day, halos minimum na lang ang balance ko. One case is my previous post. So it reflects that based on my bank account, I barely have money in Korea.

Ok. Lesson learned. I have to have a brimming Korean bank account when I apply visa here! Ipa rebook ko na lang yung flight ko and perhaps wait until six months - para ma prove ko na 'capable' ako umalis ng Korea and mag visit ng Japan. Sigh. This was my second time na ha. One was US last year and this time Japan. Record holder na ako, I will not apply it here anymore. Promise. It is wasting my money. I told Manay Geng na hindi tayo pinagtatagpo sa ating mga lakad outside Philippines. Ang tagal masundan noong Bali getaway namin.

Ok. Tama na ang hanash. 

Birthday week. Nothing fancy. To be fair, I never had as many cakes this year. One from the office. One from the Korean Class [February celebrators] and one from my Ates. Feeling Grateful. Feeling Steady. Sometimes, Feeling the Uncertainty  this so called Life may bring at you. The general sentiments are the same.   

I wish for Good Health for me and for all my loved ones. Good health lang talaga. Tanggap ko na din naman sa sarili ko na hindi na ako 'yayaman'. Ok na sa akin ang konting 'provisions' to get by, pambayad sa konting luho, mga libro, travel mga ganern, mga pakain kain. At magmanage ng isang book cafe where public intellectuals can discuss ideas and plot revolutions. Mga ganerng level lang naman. Other than that, I am ok. 

I wish for my career to be fulfilling, that's for two. Wherever it may lead me. Preferably Home. Preferably with nurturing people around me. 

Don't you know that in five year's time, you will reach 40! Gosh. I know it can be dreadful. That depends on how one looks at one's age. Well, 36 is a sexy number, says Manay Geng. Probably it is associated with a curvy body figure. I may not have the curvy but yes, I can be Sexy and make all things happen for me at the same time.

Muni Munis of the Day

#
How has it been with y'all?! Char. How was the Valentine's Week for y'all?! As for me, I have been cash strapped for some days now and God knows how have I been surviving! 

So for days, I have been depending on my ever reliable God's gift HSBC credit card for my everyday needs! Yes, in this cashless society, you can be cashless and still survive and go on living (provided you pay your credit afterwards). I have been feeling annoyed and somehow I cannot function well because of this annoyance.

What happened! What did you do with all the money? Did you spend it on someone?, says Bing. How I wish with someone! But the truth of the matter is I over remitted to my local bank back home and despite the fact that I maintain a list of bill payments, I forgot that I needed to pay my insurance payment which would be automatically debited to my Korean card. So I ended up with few cash to barely survive for a week!

Of course I can only blame myself. I promise not to overly save. Napapamura pa din ako sa sarili ko. Nasobrahan naman yata. To the point that I will not save for now! 

'Tiis ganda ka na lang muna diyan, mars' said Aries, who was kind enough to volunteer to send me money at the height of my emotional breakdown hanash.

On a personal note, this should not have happened. Because I should be already a responsible adult. Of course, this is normal and mistakes do happen. But I believe it is different when you are in another country, you should be somewhat more aware. For one, I barely have friends here. And I cannot depend on them at the onset because we have not been close. Lesson learned, I should have a contingency. Thanks again to my credit card. Yes, you can use it even in a convenience store.

It makes me reflect. Back then in Manila, when I was still younger, I barely survived with few cash and I ALWAYS could survive! I remember when I was still a young professional and funny, how I could make ends meet yet still making the most out of it. Looking back, I felt proud of myself.

And this moment, parang I cannot help but to look back at those days. I drew strength from those memories. I may not have the details but the impression made me smile and somehow in awe. I am glad that I look back with gratitude and joy on my 'days of struggle'. Noong walang wala pa ako [by this, I mean walang steady source of income]. I have been in this situation before eh. And I survived! So this time, I am surviving and I can get through this for sure [In other words, how I wish pay date na!].

2017 and everything in betweeen

Hello. Kamusta naman ang self. 

Heto, I believed I had acquired winter bug virus again. Last night, my stomach was aching. I was vomiting water and I felt my esophagus was so overused. I think I slept around 4 am. I do not know pero parang may ibang confidence ako kagabi sa kasagsagan ng sakit ng tiyan. Lol. Hindi naman ako nagpanic. Nainip lang ako dahil ang tagal dumating ng antok. I could not concentrate doing worhwhile activities like reading because of the pain. 

When I woke up earlier today, thank goodness wala ng stomach cramps. I felt fine but I also felt tired. Ang dami kong energy na ginamit the night before. I still tried to go to the office and planned to have it checked by the doctor later the day. All of a sudden, halfway in my 10-station ride, bumaba na ako at bumalik. I would rather rest. Ayoko naman manghawa ng virus, at the very least. the virus is more infectious when its symptoms have ended na. So, I am taking my bed rest and just about everything in between sleeping like updating this blog. But still thinking whether I will go to my yoga sessions later since I still need Zen points. Lol.

So ano ang hanash sa 2017? Generally, not that much. Low expectations ako this year. Just the basics siguro, like I need to accelerate my debt payments. I need to save some. I need to travel with friends and family. And of course I need to be healthy. I need to support the family. All these require preparation and eventual budget. 

Siguro it is what you do everything in between these things that can make the year more enjoyable. And I feel I need to do it. Like I need to finish a lot of books to read, movies to watch, music to listen to. I also need to write more. I need to continue my yoga. I need to beautify myself. Need to organize my stuff. Need to explore this country more on weekends and holidays. Need to learn more skills. Gusto kong matutong magluto and please frying is not cooking. I guess one year is not even enough.

Well I look forward to it, to be fair. Nakalista naman na. But maybe when you become mature, I feel you can afford to become divorced even with your own plans. Excitement blurs. It is like you're seeing these plans under microscope. Or is it the confidence that either you finish it or not, you can still try doing it anyway. Or am I just running out of really exciting things to do? Resolutions can become so overrated. 

Since it is the Rooster year, and my year. Can I ask for a bit of luck, aside from my efforts, to make all these things happen?

Post-Its

With a hot choco and a candle and a dim light and a jazz music  - plus that annoying sound of washing machine spinning - it still is a good time to write.

Kamusta naman ako. Magpapasko na. Sabi nila malungkot daw ang Pasko dito. I feel it sometimes. Pero ganoon talaga. I can get by naman. Marami namang hanash at mga gatecrashing moments sa mga get together ng Filipino community groups dito. Well, I can't believe 2016 is nearing to an end. This year has been memorable to me in so many levels! At please lang po Universe, kung may mga maghahabol pang hanash, puwede po ba yung positive hanash na lang muna! Yung mga save the best for last ang peg. At medyo po lampas na ako sa quota ng mga di ko bet for this year.

Well, first time ko maging overseas Filipinos. Yan definitely ang highlight ko. Almost perfect na sana pero mukhang yung mismong ipinunta ko dito - trabaho - ay ang aking naging source of frustration. Hindi naman yung trabaho talaga pero yung boss ko. Uninspiring talaga. 'Inaano ka ba ng boss mo!' sabi ni bff Madz. Natawa na lang ako. Kase to be fair, Wala naman siyang ginagawa sa akin. Hindi ko lang talaga siya matake na. Minsan napa isip na lang ako. Ang malas ko talaga sa boss. Pati ba naman dito?! Ano ba ginawa ko noong past life ko? Dinala ko yang sentimiento de patatas ng most time this year. Ang bigat minsan sa loob pag pumapasok ka. Wala ka ding mapagkuwentuhan. Promise. Hayan nag give up na lang. Tiyagaan na lang. Ayoko ng magexpect. Nawala na ang mga expectations ko dito. Heto, nag yo Yoga na lang. At medyo maganda pala ang effect niya to be fair.

Noong mga unang buwan, sabi ko kailangan ko ng maraming frienships dito, promise. Or mamamatay ako sa boredom. For one thing. I got frustrated again kase yung iniexpect nating mga first friendships - mga officemates - nakalimutan ko sa ibang bansa pala ako. Kase tayo naman, unang bungad mo pa lang, niyayaya ka na maglunch, di ba? Dito, kanya kanya. Pati yung isang Filipino na kafloor ko pa man din, medyo snub lang. Okay. Huwag na po nating ipilit. Ayoko naman magmukhang needy di ba! Again, hindi ko maalis sa isipan ko na mafrustrate.

Over time, hindi naman pala. May mga lakad din to be fair. Yung mga hindi ko tuloy iniexpect, yun ang mga dumadating. Tulad na lamang ng mga naging ate ate han ko dito na parang walang konsepto ng pahinga at ngumanga over the weekend. Hindi pa ba nila nalibot ang buong Korea mga anteh. Kung may mga Angels man, sila yun. Pag may gas pains, pag may headache, gustong magpasama sa facial, puntahan ko pag gusto kong magloiter (haha). I could not ask for more. And it just makes me proud to be a Filipino, char.

So what do I do now. I cannot help but look at the post-its I had pasted on my wall two weeks ago. Each post-it represents a week. And I have 50 post-its and that means I have 50 weeks before to officially decide to go home. Sa totoo lang, I am a feeling a bit sad because I never thought I could be this so forward looking. Hindi ako sanay magbilang. But the only good reason for me why I do this is I need to find where can I be with the best people, however and wherever it takes. For once in my life, sana naman maranasan ko yun. Kahit alam kong masyadong ideal lang yun. Somehow, I feel the excitement this brings because I have to prepare for just about everything. When each week passes, I replace a post-it with a round post-it, and I am seeing two round post-its. Only 48 to go! I keep the post-its by the way and write random thoughts on it.