Post-Its

With a hot choco and a candle and a dim light and a jazz music  - plus that annoying sound of washing machine spinning - it still is a good time to write.

Kamusta naman ako. Magpapasko na. Sabi nila malungkot daw ang Pasko dito. I feel it sometimes. Pero ganoon talaga. I can get by naman. Marami namang hanash at mga gatecrashing moments sa mga get together ng Filipino community groups dito. Well, I can't believe 2016 is nearing to an end. This year has been memorable to me in so many levels! At please lang po Universe, kung may mga maghahabol pang hanash, puwede po ba yung positive hanash na lang muna! Yung mga save the best for last ang peg. At medyo po lampas na ako sa quota ng mga di ko bet for this year.

Well, first time ko maging overseas Filipinos. Yan definitely ang highlight ko. Almost perfect na sana pero mukhang yung mismong ipinunta ko dito - trabaho - ay ang aking naging source of frustration. Hindi naman yung trabaho talaga pero yung boss ko. Uninspiring talaga. 'Inaano ka ba ng boss mo!' sabi ni bff Madz. Natawa na lang ako. Kase to be fair, Wala naman siyang ginagawa sa akin. Hindi ko lang talaga siya matake na. Minsan napa isip na lang ako. Ang malas ko talaga sa boss. Pati ba naman dito?! Ano ba ginawa ko noong past life ko? Dinala ko yang sentimiento de patatas ng most time this year. Ang bigat minsan sa loob pag pumapasok ka. Wala ka ding mapagkuwentuhan. Promise. Hayan nag give up na lang. Tiyagaan na lang. Ayoko ng magexpect. Nawala na ang mga expectations ko dito. Heto, nag yo Yoga na lang. At medyo maganda pala ang effect niya to be fair.

Noong mga unang buwan, sabi ko kailangan ko ng maraming frienships dito, promise. Or mamamatay ako sa boredom. For one thing. I got frustrated again kase yung iniexpect nating mga first friendships - mga officemates - nakalimutan ko sa ibang bansa pala ako. Kase tayo naman, unang bungad mo pa lang, niyayaya ka na maglunch, di ba? Dito, kanya kanya. Pati yung isang Filipino na kafloor ko pa man din, medyo snub lang. Okay. Huwag na po nating ipilit. Ayoko naman magmukhang needy di ba! Again, hindi ko maalis sa isipan ko na mafrustrate.

Over time, hindi naman pala. May mga lakad din to be fair. Yung mga hindi ko tuloy iniexpect, yun ang mga dumadating. Tulad na lamang ng mga naging ate ate han ko dito na parang walang konsepto ng pahinga at ngumanga over the weekend. Hindi pa ba nila nalibot ang buong Korea mga anteh. Kung may mga Angels man, sila yun. Pag may gas pains, pag may headache, gustong magpasama sa facial, puntahan ko pag gusto kong magloiter (haha). I could not ask for more. And it just makes me proud to be a Filipino, char.

So what do I do now. I cannot help but look at the post-its I had pasted on my wall two weeks ago. Each post-it represents a week. And I have 50 post-its and that means I have 50 weeks before to officially decide to go home. Sa totoo lang, I am a feeling a bit sad because I never thought I could be this so forward looking. Hindi ako sanay magbilang. But the only good reason for me why I do this is I need to find where can I be with the best people, however and wherever it takes. For once in my life, sana naman maranasan ko yun. Kahit alam kong masyadong ideal lang yun. Somehow, I feel the excitement this brings because I have to prepare for just about everything. When each week passes, I replace a post-it with a round post-it, and I am seeing two round post-its. Only 48 to go! I keep the post-its by the way and write random thoughts on it.

2016

1. Patapos na ang taon. Heto na naman ako sa pagbabalik tanaw sa mga nakaraang buwan. 2016. What a year this has been?! Meron pang remaining days at medyo Save The Best For Last ang peg ngayon lalo na sa aspetong politikal! 

Well, patapos na rin ang unang taon ko dito sa Seoul. Grabe, ang bilis talaga ng oras. Spend the time well with family and friends! That is the only way. And by my contract, I have only remaining one year and two months. That is if I decide to go. So I need to spend my time well here. Make the most out of my stay. I have not really been around here as much as I like! 

2.  The struggle with homesickness, with uncertainty, with failed expectations with people, with lots of things, with the thought of what could have been if I have a new fulfilling work there. Sabi nga nila, 'the struggle is real!' I had to bear all of these. 'Natural lang yan, first year mo pa lang naman', said my Filipino friend. How I wish it was that easy.

But it was not easy, believe me. 'You have not embraced your new situation pa kase', said bff Bing. I said I am non-committal. That may explain why, she added. Minsan, sa totoo lang, sawa na ako sa paliwanagan. Nasabi ko na yata ang lahat ng issues ko bilang expat sa mga friends ko, sa sarili ko (di ba, talking to myself). Paulit ulit na lang. Nakakapagod na. Paulit paulit dahil yun lang talaga ang issues ko. Hashtag blessed ako sa mga ibang bagay. Ang ganda ng bansang ito. Hindi po ako natratraffic. Hindi Mainit! Pero hindi perpekto ang mga bagay bagay. Yung purpose ko dito - which is trabaho- ay siyang unang nagbigay sa akin ng frustration! Ang saya di ba! Para tuloy feeling ko Nalugi Ako! Naillegal recruiter ako! (exag naman to be fair) 

Tapos na ako sa stage na kailangan kong magtiis kasama ng mga taong hindi naman ako natututo! Siguro puwede na ang dalawang taon at makapaghanap na ulit. Na miss ko yung feels na 'fulfilled' ka sa job. Hindi naman ako naghahanap ng perfect na opisina, Lord. Konsepto lang yun. Pero alam kong hindi ko pa nagagalugad ang mundo ng propesyon ko. So Guide me, Oh Divine. 

3. So for now. The best is yet to come. Sabi sa Horoscope. Successful daw ako sa lahat ng relationships in 2017. Lahat daw magiimprove. 'Don't be afraid to take risky yet objectively realistic projects!' O di ba. Parang wala namang bago. haha. Parang reassurance lang pero sabi nga gabay lang naman ang horoscope. So, I will keep believing and keep writing for now. 

Feels of the Fall

Hello, Kamusta ka na? Ano na ang mga hanash bukod sa trabaho?

Heto, galing ako kasal ni Yuna, friend of a friend. I thought traditional Korean wedding siya so I was looking forward to it but then it turned out to be a Korean Christian wedding. It turned out to be a simple ceremony. Well, there was the buffet and the food was good. So, nakailang balik din ako sa spaghetti alio e oilo and persimmon juice. Anyhow, siyempre medyo busy si Yuna. For sure, there will be a chance to catch up when everything settles. During the reception, I could not help but think about our own Filipino-style wedding ceremony. I have the impression that we can be more elaborate, if not, more fun even if we say it can be just a simple wedding.

Umuwi ng Ever Loyal City of Affection Manila for an official business at nagextend na din for vacay. Thankful naman ako kase narecharge naman. Umuwi ng bahay sa Bicol, binisita ang bago kong pamangkin. Chumika sa mga kapatid at kay mudra. Made several catch up with 'super' friends. Well, it was refreshing. I felt a bit gloom paguwi ko dito sa Seoul, as usual, but I noticed it was less gloomy than I had my first. And then back to normal. Maybe for a fact na uuwi na naman ako this November since we will be having the conference there. I plan to extend for few days ulit since I won't be there during the holidays. Anyhows, medyo magastos nga lang since I do not have a house to stay in Manila where all of my friends live. Needed to check-in the hotel. Next time, I will try to spend wisely. But it was all worth it.

Well, back to the drawing board naman ako. I mean, nagplaplano kung ano ang mga short to medium term goals. Ilagay sa organizer ang mga Must Do's. Kahit minsan hindi natutupad. Ganern. Bumabalik sa isipan at puso ko yung feels na heto na naman, ang dami na namang gustong gawin! Ayoko na sana magexpect pero fired up na naman ako. Fired up to just do the things that make me feel happy! Can I still do it, once more with feelings? Can I Begin Again? Enter Keira Knightley. Naisip ko lang din same time next year, I maybe packing up my stuff na. Malay mo. But my point is ang bilis ng oras. Why waste it?

In one of our latest sesh, my daughter Irene told me she was a bit concern as to how have I been spending my social life in this city. Knowing when I was still in Manila, I used to have lots of hanash with friends. And I got plucked out and planted somewhere where everything was new.

To be fair, it was a bit difficult. But I guess I am a natural loner so it was manageable. I still had many things done in Manila all by myself. Here in Seoul, during my low moments, when all my friends seem distant, that's where I tend to just try to go to nice touristy places. That was at least during the first few months. But it won't take long since I met Filipino friends along the way and my weekends seem to be busy and my colleages in the office also make sure we get to catch up at least a month.

But somehow, there is still that moment- forgive me - when I feel I need 'realness'. Perhaps that's the problem. I still consider this all transience. Minsan naguguilty ako sa thought na aalis lang naman ako dito. Minsan, iniisip ko, So what? Just enjoy the company while it lasts. Minsan, hindi rin, matanda na ako for that. I'd only go for keeps. However, I just feel good that there's a company waiting back home.

Dreams and little corners

We all have a share of moments in our younger years when someone would ask us, what do you want to be when you grow up? 

1. My father suggested to me that I could take up journalism so I could end up like those people rendering the nightly news. That was how I first heard about the word 'journalism'. Well, 'journalism' sounded cute and classy. So, I began to be curious about what these people do. Then I marveled the idea maybe I could also appear in television and followed what they had been doing. There was somehow prestige to it.  But as you grew older, I realized I did not want to appear in television and perhaps they were just reading. I had the idea maybe I would like to know more who were writing what these people in front of television were reading? 

My attention was diverted to newspapers, magazines, books. I began loving the letters and the written word and how they can evoke emotions. And then the most complex part was how they can be part of a broader concept called communication. Since then, I have always been curious about writing, about communicating, about describing the exact picture, about getting the narrative and capturing the real emotions (but I would know eventually I can only come close to them) and telling the 'truth'.

Journalism was my first degree, hoping it would give me the tools. I still use them now. I try to update and relearn the techniques as much as there is an opportunity. I miss Writing. I miss immersing myself with words and hoping they can transform others. I also miss Editing. The way you play with words and come up with the right ones and trying to keep a simple but elegant composition.  

2. Fast forward to college, I got to learn of other people- those who have less. I wanted to get to know them better - their issues, the things they struggle, the things they celebrate. It became clear to me that these people - much as they need to improve their conditions - they need to have a voice so they can be heard. I was willing. And so development work had become a promise and I could use 'sociology' as my frame to help make their voice louder and stronger.  

3. Everytime I visited University of the Philippines Los Banos, there was such a sense of myself wanting to work and settle in the place. I learned about the campus during my college years when I habitually visited a friend every time there was a long weekend. The simplicity of the place, the greens. It made me feel secure. I promised to myself someday I would work in this kind of environment. I could become a professor in the university or I can apply for any offices near the area. I remember a job prospect that was almost perfect and I still recall the excitement I felt only to fail me at the end. Hmm, I did my best. 

I still dream of myself in a room with a big window with a nice view of trees and greens with the sound of chirping birds (char!) and me, writing and learning the ways of the world. I dreamt of becoming a scientist in my own little way, in my own little corner in that place. 

Back to present. Did all those dreams get at least a dose of reality? I do not know how to answer, to be fair. At the very least, I can 'rationalize' everything - and I still do write and I am in a development work and yes, I still have a window with a view, but this time it is all cold towering concrete and God knows what other people are doing across my room. 

So what do I do?  In times when you get mature, and you think about your first loves and have not really gotten much of it, you begin thinking maybe it is worth to have the second try. 

1. I miss writing. I miss communications. I miss the writing that matters. I miss the kind of writing that pierces the hearts. I miss the writing and images that it conjures. I miss writing drafts. I miss the works, the research, the conversations before the writing. The legwork to it. The analysis to it. The plagiarism that you should avoid. Your values and biases that you should recognize before you write. Both the essay and the hard facts. I miss to be read.  I miss the immersion. I miss the STRUGGLE. 

2. I miss talking to 'real people'. I miss writing about them. I miss writing about them and their aspirations. I miss observing them and engaging them. I miss 'fighting' for them. I miss hearing their stories. I cannot work in the desk and writing about 'real people'. I just cannot. 

3. And then I miss the idea of little corner and its endless possibilities. I still believe I can still do it, with a huge amount of preparation and a silver dust of luck. I already have a little corner here and I have never been more grateful. But the heart yearns of the first loves. Yes, first loves never die.

Rejection Feels

Kailangan ko yata maisulat lang ito para maalis ang sumpa. Marami yata akong mga 'rejection' feels lately.

Kanina lamang. Nag apply ako sa US Embassy. Gusto ko sanang mag moment sa New York. Ayon na rin sa encouragement ng aking bff. 'Life Changing' daw. haha. Sige na nga. Try ko. Bakasyon lang.

Ok na sana kase hindi naman haggard ang pagapply. Pero ewan ko ba kung ano ang nangyari. Confident naman ako. Sa Q& A, sabi ko as tourist. Sabi ko sa New York. Sabi ko I work sa Seoul.
Pero sabi ng immigration officer, as per the reason identified, hindi pa daw sufficient ang stay ko sa Korea to go to US dahil hindi nila maestablish na babalik ako after my travel. Say whut?!

To be fair ang galing niya. Direct to the point yung line of questioning. Hindi biro ang maging immigration officer, I guess. I feel a major reason is my period of residency in Seoul. Dalawang beses siya nagtanong about it. Pati annual salary ko. He encouraged me to apply in the Philippines. So ang siste mag papa appoint pa ako sa Manila just to get a US visa.

Siyempre, I got watered down. It could have been exciting. Sayang yung almost 8k! But I guess my travel to US will be set aside muna unless there is an official business travel.

*****

Three weeks ago, I enroled in what could be my second Korean class. This time, sa isang office sa building namin.  Pretty convenient for me. I submitted my application, applied for lower beginner class, and I had the entrance exam. This was to verify if I can be 'fit' in the lower beginner class or be demoted or promoted. 

The exam was a bit hard, and after a week, I learned I was in the waiting list. It means I have to wait for a person to withdraw the class so I can get in. But it also means I got rejected. Nakita ko yung pangalan ko sa listahan, ako yung pang no. 16! Fifteen (15) ang kinuha. 

For one thing, parang nasira ang schedule ko. It was supposed to be my Saturday afternoon routine at least until October. Given this circumstance, I guess mag self-learn muna ako. Of course there are many classes around the city and some of them are quite pricey. Ito kase at least free and you get to mix with a lot of foreigners din.

But lately, I realized that with my both work and personal schedules, I believe hindi ko din naman siya maeenjoy. There is this rule that I can only be absent thrice in the class and after that they will get my deposit money and probably I may be missing a lot of Saturday classes din because of my weekend schedules (i.e may three weekends in August is full already!) So, personal effort lang muna and immersion sa mga kung saan saan ang peg - just to further familiarize Hangeul.  

*****

Minsan sa buhay buhay, hindi mo maiiwasan ang feeling na feeling mo na out of place ka, na reject ka ng isang grupo, na shut off ka or simply you do not belong with them. I can honestly say hindi nila intention yun or simply the 'leader' of that group must have felt na I can be so busy. So ano ang pinuputok ng bochi ko. I got invited once and I expected to be invited again. You see, this group has its regular monthly lunch out (colleagues including in the other offices too). So when I saw them in the same venue where me na my other colleagues would be taking lunch. Casual lang naman yung encounter. But deep inside me, there is this feeling that I got out of their monthly lunch set up. 

But you know what was sad about it. I felt like I deserved an explanation from them. I felt entitled at some point. This 'pride' chicken, this 'ego'. It was really not about them at all. To be honest, most of their conversations I could not relate. It was about me. And I felt surprised to myself why did I have to feel that way. Somehow, kahit saan mo tingnan, ako yung may mali sa pananaw kong ito. I was childish. I felt I got rejected. Ayoko lang sila makita. All the more that I do not want to be with them at all. 

***

Sana sa mga susunod na araw at buwan, reverse naman ang ganap, di ba? Pero ganoon naman talaga. The most important thing is what you do with it. Mas emotional ako doon sa out of place issue. May the Divine forgive me for being unreasonable. 'Fuck this Feeling' sometimes. Siguro, it is one way of telling me,  grow up. You do not need to look out for them. There are just so many people and things that you begin overlook and they matter more than you know.