Aug 8, 2016

Rejection Feels

Kailangan ko yata maisulat lang ito para maalis ang sumpa. Marami yata akong mga 'rejection' feels lately.

Kanina lamang. Nag apply ako sa US Embassy. Gusto ko sanang mag moment sa New York. Ayon na rin sa encouragement ng aking bff. 'Life Changing' daw. haha. Sige na nga. Try ko. Bakasyon lang.

Ok na sana kase hindi naman haggard ang pagapply. Pero ewan ko ba kung ano ang nangyari. Confident naman ako. Sa Q& A, sabi ko as tourist. Sabi ko sa New York. Sabi ko I work sa Seoul.
Pero sabi ng immigration officer, as per the reason identified, hindi pa daw sufficient ang stay ko sa Korea to go to US dahil hindi nila maestablish na babalik ako after my travel. Say whut?!

To be fair ang galing niya. Direct to the point yung line of questioning. Hindi biro ang maging immigration officer, I guess. I feel a major reason is my period of residency in Seoul. Dalawang beses siya nagtanong about it. Pati annual salary ko. He encouraged me to apply in the Philippines. So ang siste mag papa appoint pa ako sa Manila just to get a US visa.

Siyempre, I got watered down. It could have been exciting. Sayang yung almost 8k! But I guess my travel to US will be set aside muna unless there is an official business travel.


Three weeks ago, I enroled in what could be my second Korean class. This time, sa isang office sa building namin.  Pretty convenient for me. I submitted my application, applied for lower beginner class, and I had the entrance exam. This was to verify if I can be 'fit' in the lower beginner class or be demoted or promoted. 

The exam was a bit hard, and after a week, I learned I was in the waiting list. It means I have to wait for a person to withdraw the class so I can get in. But it also means I got rejected. Nakita ko yung pangalan ko sa listahan, ako yung pang no. 16! Fifteen (15) ang kinuha. 

For one thing, parang nasira ang schedule ko. It was supposed to be my Saturday afternoon routine at least until October. Given this circumstance, I guess mag self-learn muna ako. Of course there are many classes around the city and some of them are quite pricey. Ito kase at least free and you get to mix with a lot of foreigners din.

But lately, I realized that with my both work and personal schedules, I believe hindi ko din naman siya maeenjoy. There is this rule that I can only be absent thrice in the class and after that they will get my deposit money and probably I may be missing a lot of Saturday classes din because of my weekend schedules (i.e may three weekends in August is full already!) So, personal effort lang muna and immersion sa mga kung saan saan ang peg - just to further familiarize Hangeul.  


Minsan sa buhay buhay, hindi mo maiiwasan ang feeling na feeling mo na out of place ka, na reject ka ng isang grupo, na shut off ka or simply you do not belong with them. I can honestly say hindi nila intention yun or simply the 'leader' of that group must have felt na I can be so busy. So ano ang pinuputok ng bochi ko. I got invited once and I expected to be invited again. You see, this group has its regular monthly lunch out (colleagues including in the other offices too). So when I saw them in the same venue where me na my other colleagues would be taking lunch. Casual lang naman yung encounter. But deep inside me, there is this feeling that I got out of their monthly lunch set up. 

But you know what was sad about it. I felt like I deserved an explanation from them. I felt entitled at some point. This 'pride' chicken, this 'ego'. It was really not about them at all. To be honest, most of their conversations I could not relate. It was about me. And I felt surprised to myself why did I have to feel that way. Somehow, kahit saan mo tingnan, ako yung may mali sa pananaw kong ito. I was childish. I felt I got rejected. Ayoko lang sila makita. All the more that I do not want to be with them at all. 


Sana sa mga susunod na araw at buwan, reverse naman ang ganap, di ba? Pero ganoon naman talaga. The most important thing is what you do with it. Mas emotional ako doon sa out of place issue. May the Divine forgive me for being unreasonable. 'Fuck this Feeling' sometimes. Siguro, it is one way of telling me,  grow up. You do not need to look out for them. There are just so many people and things that you begin overlook and they matter more than you know. 


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