Impostora

There has been something wrong, sabi ko. After I got back from a hearty vacation, I do not know but ang daming kaartehan. My cough has been recurring. I feel the fatigue. My mental health has been out in the woods lately. I have not really been at my element in the office. I have been keeping things at bay. 

To cope, I have been sleeping as early as 10 am but then siyempre, maaga din ako nagigising. 'Diyos ko, ate, 5 am mulat na ako. Para ako yung magbubukas ng tindahan', as I jokingly said to my friend. Refreshing din naman ang feeling. And by the time parating na ang mga officemates ko, at least three check republic na sa aking listahan. 

There has been someting wrong, sabi ko. I miss Home at habang patagal ng patagal, I feel something has just been slipping away.  Hindi ko na kilala mga tao doon. In Manila, people whom I share the city with are leaving.  You hold on to whatever faith you've got. I need to rise to the occasion. 'Alone again, naturally,' 'Kanya kanyang pacing tayo mga kapatid', Remind me over and over again. 

There has been something wrong, sabi ko. The effect is I feel being recluse. I need to recharge. Again!? Kababakasyon ko pa lang. 'I am taking a break from the vacation. I need a vacation from my vacation?!' haha. I cannot afford not to like my job. I am taking a big responsibility soon. I just want to go back to the basics. Whatever again this means. There has been something wrong, like maybe the planets, starts at mga rumi stones have not been aligning.

A friend told me, 'maybe you have impostor syndrome'. Many people would like to be in your condition now. Yet you always doubt and put some things on the bin. Napaisip ako. Have I been showing signs of impostor syndrome all along? I did some research and of course, I cannot self-diagnose. But I can relate on some pero there is this sign that People with Imposter Syndrome fear of being exposed. Exposed to what? To not doing better. Hindi ba graduate na ako sa mga ganyang pep talk at paandar to self. But on a serious note, I need a breather. And yes, tinaga ko na sa bato na by June to December, I intend to slow it down further. Hindi naman usad pagong. More on self care priority lang. 

'I am happy and bored at the same time which makes me a bit sad,' maybe this can sum it all.

Ang hirap maging impostora. Lol.