I have to address the elephant in the room. What it is like to live independently? Maaga tayong naging independent. Ito ay bunga na rin na ako ay eldest among my siblings at maagang na expose to be responsible and accountable dahil at the end of the day, wala kang aasahan kundi sarili mo. As I mature, this belief just reinforces on me. Nelly Furtado is right, ‘I’m like a bird. I always fly away. I do not know where my home is.’ lol.
Malungkot, vulnerable, you fear that you will end up like a cranky, unloved, lonely matandang dalaga na perfect attendance sa simbahan 365 days a year. You fear na baka ka matapilok at makita ka na lang nakahandusay sa daan, what a way to end your last breathe, lol. You name it, the society has it. The society will describe it for you. The society will allocate that fear for you. Imagine, hindi ka na masyadong magiisip.
I have long recognized that my society will always treat single, independent, productive, unwed, noncommittal people like me as margins. What the fuck. After all that you have contributed your share in the nation-building. Ito lang isusukli sa iyo. Of course, andiyan naman ang usapin na ‘may pera ka naman, kaya secure ka naman’, which for me misses all the point.
In one of holiday lunches with my mom, kinamusta ko si Tita B, one of her sisters, who got a mild stroke. My mom complained that Tita B is having a hard time to recover not because of her complication but because she may be depressed. ‘Depressed siya because she has no family, wala siyang anak’, my mom said. ‘Wow! That is so traditional’. I never thought mom could be so narrow in her views.
Gusto ko sana makipagdebate pero it will be futile. What did I feel? I felt as usual...at the Margins. haha. Anyhow, I have never been as so convinced. Noong pandemic na lang, halos maloka ako on the thought na what if magka covid ako, magkacovid as single, independent, productive, unwed, noncommittal infected person like me.
I love what I do. I love what I am becoming. I feel the excitement. I still feel the love. It is that occassional bump along the way that makes it crazy sometimes. Hindi naman romantic relationship at anak ang sagot sa lahat ng bagay to be fair. Kung ano ma ang sagot, hindi ko alam.
Many times, I had been put in a position where I could become vulnerable - kase single ako. All the more when i am in a place where I do not know the language. Kulang na lang pagtabuyan ka. But there is bliss in ignorance sometimes. This year, I resolve to work in increments, definitely not to belong, but to live an unapolegetic life. Ganern
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Napagod ako noong holiday. Pagod pero masaya. Pagod at magastos pero masaya and I like it. I felt the sense of normalcy after two years of high covid restrictions. At dahil pagod, heto nagpapahinga lang muna. May physical and mental state of mind recharging. Nakatulong din na may two-week break si boss kaya chill lang sa opisina. Actually, historically, ang last two winter months (Jan-Feb) ay slow time sa opisina talaga.
So what is in store for me in 2023? Well, according to the Chinese Animal Zodiac, ang Rooster (my zodiac) ay opposite mismo ng Rabbit (2023). Lahat ng random reads ko ay more on 'not your year', 'year of disappointments', 'don't change your job', 'challenges here and there'. 'do not open your investments to risk.' Well, sino ba naman ang gaganahan nitey? haha. Kaya pala hindi ako 'naeexcite kundi sakto lang' ang feeling ko. Naniniwala pa rin naman ako kay Zenaida Seva na 'meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito' haha
Well this 2023. bukod sa out of comfort zone, taasan natin ang antas ng self accountability - ang ibig lang sabihin niyan is increase your productivity at huwag tamarin and just be freakin' honest to others and with oneself. Bukod doon, dahil na rin sa guidance ni Chinese animal zodiac, slow and grow tayo - huwag tayong pabibo,at chill lang. Iba ang chill sa tamad po, pa take note. Low key muna tayo. low carbon din tayo this year - which means huwag mag aksaya. Hindi na nga ako nakakaipon at my desired levels, magaaksaya pa.
Di ba ang daming concept?! Cheers to 2023! Masaya yarn. :)
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