entry no. 1
tawid na tawid ang event namin na in the months of the making. i was happy that we pulled it through. all throughout, i played supporting role to the team lead. and i must admit the stress came mostly from the dynamics of the team. so now, deserve ko to just take it slow. marami pa akong work mission in the remaining months but this time more on networking and depende sa availability ng mga kausap ko. My state of mind is i just want to wrap up. Napakanta tuloy dahil kay mareng Tiffany, ‘what will I do now, with all this time’.
entry no. 2
maraming lessons learned while we were organizing this event. it is the first time since 2019 that we organized face to face this scale. iba na rin mga mga kasama ko this time. for this event, I have been in the crowd of professionals younger than me and to be honest, i had a challege trying to understand their work style and this is where my emotional stress comes in.
‘Much as I like to teach and guide them, I cannot because I only play the supporting role’, sabi ko sa colleague ko from the other department who is at my age. The case was I have a micro manager and to be critical about it, I feel she was not productive about it. Minsan naiisp ko compliance lang sa kanya and she is not living to her tasks. She could spend so much time updating excel habang nagkakagulo na sa labas. And she had the tendency to pass out work, and this is the part where I hated the most. And this is the part which i want her to know. I even promised myself that I will not collaborate with her again.
‘No, Paulie, just let them learn. If you have 10 things to say, just say one’, dagdag ni Korean colleague ko. I was struck when my Korean colleague reminded me about this. I then realized maybe I was wanting to help them not for them but for me! Let them learn the ways of the world and they will ask help if they need one. I do not need to overreach.
And yes, I feel that there is a deep seated issue on this - when i was young professional, I was left free in the jungle. I did not know how I survived but I am pretty sure there was little less help from around me. Maybe doon nangagaling ang frustration ko. I do not want our young professionals to experience what I experienced. But again the only way to let them learn is to set them free.
entry no. 3
chasing old dreams. how had they flown out of window. they were gone and you hope they will return. yes, it was stupid for me to think to wait that they would come back. I felt overconfident that they would come back. false comfort. I hang on whatever i have in either small or big measure. lost all the jazz. and either i blame the world, everybody or none, and never me, which is the worst. i cannot undo, unbreak. I cannot keep chasing pavements and leading to nowhere. that’s all the point. and i do not have a choice but to reclaim and to hold. yes, because I still believe.
entry no. 4
my body, my temple. Some parts need repair. It has seen its golden age, pero wait, I am still at my fucking prime, and I am running against time as to how my temple can be restored. I feel like a Taj Mahal needing repair, char. To be specific, my tuhod. haha. To be specific, my chronic fatigue. to be specific, di na ako nagsisimba! haha. to be specific, di na ako nagpapafacial! There is the exercise. There is the nutrition. There is the mindfulness. And there is the discipline and the spirituality that my soul has seemed to forget. Why is it so easy for me to rant these days? To see things half-empty. To be critical that i forget the unfolding of all life's goodness before me. Because my temple needs upkeep. Well, let's do this before my Taj Mahal gets all ruined, one parts at a time.
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