Must Admit

It can really get lonely. The work can get lonely. Hindi naman lahat ng araw ay pasko. You hold on to what you value, you hold on to what's true. And the truth is for the longest time, something has not really been working. You sense it. You sense you are not growing, you are regressing. There are crucial points that you have to decide. Like I need to look for another employer. Like I need growth. 

What is holding me back? Last year, I thought ok, if I could complete my debt and that's it. This time, I still have debt, albeit manageable naman na.  Sa totoo lang, hindi naman natatapos ang utang. But if this will always be my primary consideration, it will take toll on me in the long term. 

Before it gets too late, I need to decide and stick to it. I just want to enjoy the process and make effort from now on to venture out. In God's own timing, I will be led to my next place where I can further grow professionally. Simple as it may sound but it requires the big leap of faith. And yes, preparation is also a key. 

It has been strange beginning of the summer. After I got back from my first mission in May, it is almost like I needed a whole six months of just doing nothing.  Impact of COVID-19, I must say. 

A huge part is this experience was with my colleague.  I did not like my experience with my OC colleague. I got sad about it to the point that it changed my view about her in the office. It was more on her work style. I told her about it to be fair.  My own resolution, must admit, if possible, I do not want to engage her in my own turf. 

And yes,  I am surprised to myself why I reacted to this. It is not because I do not like her work style. It may also because looking at the broader aspect, nawawalan na ako ng gana sa office. Just this Friday, I literally just waited for the entire afternoon to finish. Yes, we all have that episodes. 

Must Admit. With no offense meant to my close Filipino friends here and I love them to the bones, I have been feeling the outlier. Yes, my personal issues have been different from them. It must also be the age and priorities. I have to admit, I feel misplaced. I feel I cannot relate. And I feel insecure. I mean I still have so much to do! and I cannot talk about retirement this early. I cannot talk about personal investments - like getting condos, opening stocks, and finances all the time just to save up. Almost all the time. I  cannot relate with their family issues all the time. I want to talk about other things. Other things that matter. What about development? What about hobbies?  

I know it must be hard. I am just sick and tired of life talk all the time. I am keeping it to myself. And must admit, iniiwasan ko din ang super frequent meet-ups. And yes, time to also expand social circles. 

Must Admit. My morning anxiety is still here, although reduced. Can't help. That space between bed and bathroom in the first few minutes you wake up. The only way is you close the gap. Sometimes you just give up and get through with it. Must admit. Why does it seem hard for me to appreciate my mornings when it can be the most promising and inspiring of days? Sometimes, I feel because I may not have enough sleep. Or maybe If i can wake up at least one hour earlier to slow down and take time before the rush comes in. And yes, I do not feel it on weekend mornigs - and most likely because I have no office rush and that means tinatamad lang talaga akong pumasok na. There is nothing I can do but I just let it flow. Say a little prayer and I do hope it goes away someday. 

Must Admit haba ng entry ko ngayon. Paano ba naman I started drafting my entry yesterday pa. I look forward to a fulfilling fun summer. Ngayon pa lang nag aaircon na ako, what more kasagsagan ng init sa August. Looking forward to Still Life's Unfolding.