Buddha's Birthday

It is holiday today, Buddha’s birthday in Korea. Some say it not really his birthday but his day of enlightenment. I still think about work. Holiday on a hump day is somewhat tricky. You get a break in the middle of the week but you can consider it as a working break especially if you have deadlines.   

How has it been? ‘I think I have been near languishing,’ confided a friend. ‘It has all been mixing up - the work, self-care, this fucking covid, moments, plans, obligations. Also my room has been a mess. I cannot even clean up my room well.’ I need to get away from all of these. And taking a day or two does not even help.

My mind is tired and I cannot control this monkey mind of late. Be kind. Forgive yourself if there are some lapses. Be grateful. Prioritize. Don't haste. Detox and be mindful. Live each day. All these constant, tried and tested reminders. They help you endure. They help you get through the ordeals. It is true. It is really hard to be alone. You endure all these monkey mind thoughts all by yourself. I think it would have been different if you have someone you can share them with at the onset. But having someone is not the point for now. 

Last night, bored and couldn’t sleep, I looked at my room. So this is it. Are these all everything I have? I so refuse this thought. I got sad not because of either I answer yes or no.  I got sad on the question, why this desire? why this dissatisfaction? Just answer the question! Yes! the answer is in the question ; ‘Are these all everything I have?’ 

What do I have to do?! I have everything here. I want to feel content and build from this. But this desire to ‘not stop’ is strong and overwhelming. And I know I do not believe in this feeling anymore. I got sad pondering the question but had a good sleep eventually. I promise I will not leave this country if I cannot figure it out. Figure out what? That I will be just fine? The hard part is knowing what you want because you know desires will eventually frustrate you even if you have accomplished them because it is just cycle. Such a bummer. lol. Well, I have a plan. I have a list. Do the list but flow in your own time.

So this morning - Buddha’s birthday. I will desire less. I will Be where I Flow. Writing about this for sure will lessen the languish. We have our low and high moments. I face Buddha’s birthday with work in a nice cafe, clean the room again, and will use up my evening star candle by nightime and praying and hoping again that I may eventually get the wisdom in all of these.