Love Letter Series

To my 30s, 

Hi. Where did all the time go? Alam ko minsan you wonder where have all the time gones? Of course, maraming beses kang nagpapasalamat. More than the survival, it has been the love that you have found and nurtured all these years. People who stick with you. People who care for you. Pero minsan nagiisip ka that in terms of romantic relationship, bakit single ka pa rin, lol, pero most of the time, mapapangiti ka na lang. Balikan natin yan sa susunod na blog. 

Alam ko hindi madali ang 30s for you. Una, noong pa 30s pa lang, so excited ka on what it’s like to be in 30s. Feeling mo ang dami mong possibilities. Feeling mo ang dami mong energy. Maayos naman ang trabaho mo pero marami kang beses na nagtatanong na ‘what is it like being out there?’ Gusto mo din naman mag aral ulit.

Dami mong plano and energy. Like ‘I am so ready’ ang peg. Pero reality was lurking. Just like when you were feeling ready and planning for your own path, your 30th year would become your saddest year. Your father passed away. Early that year, his health was deteriorating. I remember naka ilang beses ka din pabalik balik sa Bicol. The financial requirement for Papa’s hospitalization was ever increasing. You had to make sure you got all the support while looking for more resource. So instead of having a coming out party in your 30s, you got to focus on your family.

You hate to say that it was a big downer - yung nagplaplano ka then there was a big spoiler, yung feeling mo nakasira sa diskartem big time. Minsan pag naiisip mo ito you begin to hate yourself - for being so selfish why you thought this way in the first place and why you sometimes blame my father for the spoils and for heaven’s sake, you know he had nothing to do with this. 

Alam ko, matagal kang naka move on doon. But it has defined your outlook in your 30s and I must say until now. This means a lot to you. You have been healing this scar for the longest time. And I know for the longest time you have been asking forgiveness from yourself.  

And that is why you do not really believe genuinely in beginnings. It is fine when you do not complete your endeavors. Dami mong 'unfinished' businesses. Naka ilan ka ng Begin Again moment feels. You have not been really honest to yourself because you were simply afraid to commit - to your life! Oh well, the effect - you intend to celebrate big moments of your life as practical and simple as possible. You intend to celebrate your career gains as 'nah, I am just as common as ever'. More than the humility, it is this cold heart. 

If you could have just a three second glimpse of today- that today everything is fine, all your early 30s fears were all major illusions, that love would heal the scars eventually - you could have healed faster, forgiven yourself better, could be more loving to yourself

In your mid 30s, you would always think, do you still ‘feel it’? Yung enthusiasm mo. Yung zest mo. Sabi mo nga ‘I have lost those feelings forever’. 

But dear 30s self, if only you knew everything would be alright. I know you have forgiven yourself but I also want you to know that you are beginning to ‘feel’ it again. Feeling the zest again. This is what matters. We will try again and again. Let me handle it for you this time. 

Love, 

Your 40s