Why I am here?

I am already in Seoul, a new chapter, in this studio, day 07 of my 14-day self-isolation. It is mostly me and the voice inside my head.  

I promise to endure. I remain to be optimistic. I admit I am quite mentally tired because of the complex dread the pandemic has given me since February. Good thing that I still get to focus on work. Other than that, I cannot catch up on my reading, cannot follow up Netflix. I am all spaced out (is this the right term for 'tumingin sa kawalan'), as a way to rest. I deserve some slack.  Connecting with friends and family however gives you most joy.  

If I say I need a breather, I do not know what it is. This studio gives me all the respite I need. The aircon (after being deprived of 2.5 months) and a hot bath at night are self reassuring. 

So why am I here again? 

2018. I was excited to start a new life again in Manila. Good thing my current office gave me a consultancy job. The pay was enough to fund for my city lifestyle with some little savings here and there. It was good. I thought I could also do some occassional consultancy work, which I did. Little did I know that I was already doing a work from home set-up in 2018, save for some visits in my office desk in city hall. But I got to rest. Almost sabbatical for me. However, there are some lingering questions believing this set up is not sustainable - thoughts like 'I'm old, I do not have a stable office blah blah. Where to fund for your health blah blah' - give you some discomfort.

2019. Early part of the year, I broke down. I failed to deliver in a specific local consultancy work. I just simply did not do it because I was busy with the international work. I did not manage my time, despite the fact that I had so much of it. Then, I grew tired doing all the local travel work, talking to people all by myself. Doubt had crept in, 'Do they even take me seriously?' That's where 'the sense of belonginess' came. All of a sudden I was wishing for an office  with good company whom you can relate office stuff.  I wish for some sense of some familiarity. Frustration also came with the work. I complained that issues on local governments have been the same all along. 'May iuunlad pa ba itong mga siyudad natin'. I became frustrated with how cities work especially in the Philippines. 

I am too early to be a lone ranger.  One financial burden came -I had to pay for my mom's lot mortgage.I thought by 2020, I should have a new work already. Work that I may find some sense of belongingness. 

Mid 2019. News came that my senior colleagues had been resigning one by one. Green pastures. New promises. I asked my boss if senior positions are open. I express my interest to apply. That was it. She worked on the offer. And by summer of August 2019 while I was in Seoul, we agreed on the terms.  

Why am I here again? For work. It is also a career promotion in terms of the scope. And more than the work - Family. I still dream of a community of peers and caring people where I can belong. Sometimes I think what Renee Zelwegger said in Judy, 'I just wish what everyone wants, I seem to have a hard time getting it'. 

Tired from an early morning flight from Incheon, my cab was speeding up in a highway to Seoul. Looking out the early sun gives me a sense of a calm summer morning. I imagined the sun telling me, 'welcome back dear, I wish you can stay here far longer'. And before I  knew, we were already nearing the public hospital for a swab test. And that was the start of my first day.