Pandemic state of mind

May 08 2020 

So how has been my mental state of being in this time of pandemic?

I have been meaning to write this entry. For one, our time is unprecedented. And second, I have to write down my thoughts so that it can help me unload my mind and perhaps, others can learn. Third, there is just so much impermanence around us. At pag binalikan ko ito few years from now, at least it will help me recall the memory.

My take  - as long as there is no vaccine, buwis buhay muna tayo but we need to go out there but navigate like ballerinas tiptoeing on a big stage or else, people will get hungry and lose their jobs.

Of course, I have been feeling anxious some of the time. First, the anxiety of moving out again to Seoul and all the logistics and coordination - only to be disrupted by the virus. Now you get two anxieties and what's the end product, an anxiety mutation. Char.

 

I try to not dwell on these thoughts because I do not have control. I take each task a step at a time. But impatient as I can become, the mental stress can become unbearable.

  

1. Surprisingly, I have a waning interest of covid-19 updates. This has been like two weeks now, or maybe ngayon lang. I may have gotten already the fatigue for it. Nagsawa na rin ako sa kakaabang kung ilan na ang nahawa, namatay, at nakarecover, mapa Pilipinas man o sa ibang mundo. Napagod na rin ako especially when you learn how this current government is failing you miserably in responding to this crisis.

  

2. I get bored and get bored big time. This means spending a lot watching Youtube videos. Kahit sabihin nila na you have all the time in the world for now and it's best time to resume your scrapbooking, cross stitching, or photo album projects, I don't know, I do not have the emotional capital for it. Good for others though. I think what matters most for now is to be kinder to ourselves. I deserve some slack. But sometimes I end up feeling guilty. But then again sometimes it's just ok. See, you have to negotiate with yourself.

 

The middle ground is I try to list down my to-do lists for the day and I try to limit it to just three-four (and that includes work-related stuff). And after I finish my daily tasks, I can resume to watching Youtube, Netflix. 

3. Meditation in the morning. Coffee lofi-music while preparing for office mood. For meditation, play any Tibetan bowl sounds in Youtube (again), sit still, close your eyes, just listen to it for at least 10 mins. You can do it as soon as you wake up, or anytime of the day will do. Then you're good. 

I get distracted when there is music lyrics in the background because I tend to listen and focus on the song. A nice lofi instrumental background music is perfect while you try to get your tasks done, especially office work.  

4. Short afternoon walks around my neighborhood. Well I gain a lot of weight now so I make an effort kahit gumalaw man lang mga muscles ko.  Walking past streets at late afternoon, it has been feeling like a Good Friday everyday - less cars, less people. The streetscape vibe has gone.

5.  Admittedly, sometimes, it gets me. Like what does this all really mean to me now? I am going out of country soon but it won't change the fact that the age of pandemia has arrived. I think about my mom, my siblings, my pamangkins, my friends. What if one of my loved ones get infected? What if I get the virus? and I am out there. It makes me pensive. You try to erase it in your mind and you also try to be more daring and hopeful because you want to end this crisis. Because you want to believe that the humanity can overcome this. I try to reach out to my loved ones as often as I can. Just being there. Just listen. And to my friends for kulitan most of the time.  

Para sa iba, they make it easy to make a sense out of this. I don't know. I believe in meaning making, texture. It's not as easy as 'ganoon talaga wala naman tayong magagawa na'. I cannot also wait to meeting my family, friends and meeting new people face to face. I yearn to say hi and hello to every people I interact. But i have to be mindful to be physically distant as well. I don't know how you call it, paradox? you try to avoid people but you also love to meet them at the same time.