Remembrance

April 7, 2020 [first draft]

Can I talk about regrets? Perhaps, quarantine nights are made of these. My good friend Rae and I were passing time at his pad's communal rooftop. Seeing the cityscape makes me sentimental and relaxed at the same time. 

2020 has been an extraordinary year. We lost the world that we once knew. We are undergoing transitions and transformations. Maraming magbabago. Probably this is also one of the better times to reflect, to listen to the Universe. I can also consider this as an opportunity to transform. But like any transformation, it has to undergo phases, sometime painful but fulfilling.

My friend and I were running out of things to discuss. Nakatunganga na lang kami with his pa-wine. At random thought, I asked him a personal question. 'Do you have regrets?, Like what could you have done?' It sparked another round of interesting conversation. It was a perfect question for a perfect setting in this pandemic night.

1.  My Graduate School. I still think about it. I did not know what happened. Well, I know what happened - Life happened lol but I simply did not choose to finish it. No excuses. I ran out of motivation. You prioritized other things. But every now and then, it lingers in some far corners in my mind. I do not know if I still have the energy and focus to do it all over again.

"If only I have enough money so I can resign and just focus on studying', Rae told me. 'If ever I want to do it again, I won't tell anyone because I am really ashamed of not finishing it. I just want to finish it silently' I said. 'Who cares mars? Wala naman silang pakialam saiyo,' Rae dismissing my ridiculous thought. 'Can we just promise we do something about our graduate studies this year even with this covid-19?' Rae in his most optimistic tone. We ended it with hope.

2. By not really being generous and transparent to my feelings with others. I have this longest crush but all the connection with him now is his Instagram. Tumanda na kami, crush ko pa rin siya. Nagkajowa na siya, lumipat na ng bahay, crush ko pa rin siya. I do not know where is this coming from? One night, I prayed to the Divine, yes umabot na rin ako sa ganitong level, that if I could see him one more time, just seeing him, and it will be ok for me not to see him anymore.

And I did. One sunday afternoon I was watching a play, saw him, he first called me during the break, and there was a short kamustahan. It happened so fast because we were in a rush. But I had the long pleasure of seeing him from a far with his friends. Just seeing him made me somehow feel that it was enough and that I must stop all this daydreaming. .

But then how I wish I could have just followed him in the graduate school? My only regret was not telling me that I like him or I am just being happy to see you. That would have made a big difference. Perhaps, he will not be on this list right now. Gosh. Such high school.

3. I wish I were not 'that hard' on myself. 'Others would want to be in a position where you are right now', said Rae. Sometimes I just get dissatisfied and I do not get it. 'Chronic dissatisfaction', said in almost perfection by Penelope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona. It hit me. I still feel 'needing more' with how my career is turning out to be, especially when it concerns to getting really having good boss and a community that I can just stay and grow. Bakit minsan it just dawns on you, 'I just want what other people want, but why do I have a harder time to getting it?'

4. I wish I had not thought too much about 'money', determining almost everything that you do. When you are the eldest in the family, sometimes the burden of decision making and financial contingency have always been on you. I have long accepted this fact since high school.

And what does it have to do with money. Well, you always need a back-up and I have never really been stable money-wise. This feeling of precarity has always been in me. I always end up calculating, always considering, always planning to the point of futility. I have long diminished this value of money, it's only for 'utility' 'maitawid lang ang lahat' no matter what it does to me.

I don't know but I must have forgotten that money can help me to build my own happiness and there is nothing wrong with it. Nagsawa na rin siguro ako sa kakaisip sa pera. Good thing is I always get by and I get by comfortably. And I am trying to save as much as I can. I don't know what's the right attitude to money? How I wish I can focus to be more generous to myself. What's the regret? I wish I had not felt this way.

Rae and I ended up conversing more with the hope to end up with a firmer resolve to work out our 'regrets'. I do not know when is this pandemic going to settle.  I hope we are mustering enough courage we all need to get through the day. And more courage to continue after this pandemic.