Friendship

/Photo taken during the UDD team building at Caliraya Resort/

Let me tell you about something about how I value friendship.

I keep a few set of friends. From there, I revolve around them. I do not have as much friends. Probably because if I stick with you, then it can be a lifetime.

Pero nagbabago ang panahon, life circumstances change the landscape of your relationship with your friends to varied degrees. If I am fortunate enough, despite the odds, our friendship can grow old and age like the finest of wine. If not, it can get diluted, resulting to bland taste until it fades away, to the point that you end up recalling the details in your next catch up. Friendship is not supposed to be a looking back memory lane, but being in present, enjoying the moment, doing meaningful moments,  sharing visions and supporting these visions, through thick and thin.

So to keep it from being diluted, the 'maintenance' of friendship. I believe in its 'renewal' to make it work. I believe in the 'effort' to make it stronger. Never mind the risk na mag away kayo kalaunan, (say, to travel is to test a friendship drama). True friendship can overcome it. Otherwise, if friendship is based on 'convenience', it's also equally convenient for it to die a natural death.

You do this 'renewal' (like seeing each other weekly, like travel, like going to theater, catching up should be a routine) so that your bond can become stronger, so you can get to know your friends better - because believe me, do you really think you've known your friends already, you'd be surprised.

It just gives me a bit discomfort that even when you do this routine of seeing each other, this exchanging stories, this eventual trust and openness that you share with them, some friendships can still end being too convenient.

To be concrete, in one of our usual deep talks, I got hurt when one of my bffs did not tell me his short to long term plans, making me appear like some random stranger. He said he wants to keep it to himself. Well, I did not consider him as bff for nothing. We stood the test of time and it has been a fun ride. I told him my deep secrets, he told me his. But he did not want me to tell his plans? What the fuck. I mean was he shy? What was he thinking? Was he in some thesis defense that his plans might end up criticized and suddenly he would feel watered down? 

I got hurt - of course I want to know but I somehow realized all along he saw me as his 'convenience'. 'Wala pala ako sa plano mo, mars', I told him casually.

I could not help but think I have long become his sponge, and I could only stitch different moments in the past that made me realize it ended up too convenient for him. Probably bordering user-friendly. Now that I realize it, I cannot help but feel sad, frustrated.

Ang toxic pala talaga niya. Lol. Now it makes me think is he this same to other friends? Or does he have a different face? Because when he's with me, my gahd. Para akong salamin. He does not even listen to my advice especially on health issues - to the point that I can chaperone him to clinic just he knows his state of health but he was even bragging to me about being sick, 'because no one cares'. Really, really now. Lol. What is the threshold of my understanding in all of these?

Still I keep the faith but I have become conscious. Like this holiday season, since it's also convenient for him to not see me this holiday season since he's sick and he does not want me to visit his house, ok, so be it. You see, this is not about friendship, it is about convenience.

It just frustrates and surprises me that people, in general, are too weird. I can only give myself a deep sigh. As what my mom always told me, Be Kind Always.