Nov 9, 2018


1. It gets busier each day. But I cannot ask for more. It pays the bill. It puts food on the table. Months after I returned from Seoul, I still feel the struggle but acceptance and peace of mind come in handy with big little help from my friends, family, and random kindness from strangers.

It has been a process but I have long crossed that Seoul episode. This 2018 is one of my better years. Even when there is no stability (which means no regular full time job) pero yung mga utang ko patapos ko naman ng bayaran. I am still be able to move around. Promise ko sa sarili ko na 'magpahinga' muna ako for 2018. Yung mga moments na chill ka lang. Hindi din naman nangyari. Yung  consultancy work ko, naging 'full time' din siya by nature. I cannot complain. I feel grateful.

2. I miss feeding my mind. It has always been a case of Me giving out, sharing out. I went to Jakarta last week to attend a leadership seminar. I must admit I am not really a fan of attending leadership conferences. I think they have all the same bottomline, that is 'you can be a leader'. I always think that if everybody wants to become a leader, who will now follow?

But I looked forward to this leadership seminar organized by my office. I won't discuss the details here. One thing struck me when Frans, the resource speaker, asked us about the difference between honesty and integrity. He said both are about truth but honesty is telling the truth to other people while integrity is telling the truth to yourself.

It struck me. Like I begin to be self-conscious. Have I been truthful to myself all along? Does being considerate to others help me in telling the truth to myself? Naging consistently honest ba ako sa sarili ko? Feeling ko Hindi. Perhaps there were moments how I wish I could have been braver and candor enough to myself. Does this mean being truthful to myself. So, on a personal note, the lecture is a refresher. Timely even because it's already the end of the year. I will have to work this out in 2019.

3. It may take time for me before updating this blog again. I may as well do an advanced writeup. So for 2018. Thank you for being a productive year. But I must admit the inner doubts were louder, far more resonating that I must endure. I guess when you're alone most of the time, it can amplify much louder, all these blend of voices - the uncertainty, the social expectations, and the silent soothing confident voice that tells you that you are enough. At some point, I really do not know how on earth do I tame these voices inside my head. Like last week, I had been so cranky all the time. Perhaps triggered by the leadership seminar. But still I endure, still standing. Or I thrive better when I struggle. We all get by and I'd like to think, we all get by all the time. So perhaps to more noises in 2019? Hmm not exactly.


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