Lessons Learned 2025

1. 'I never felt alone' and I am really living alone. For the first time since I do not know when. It is the big reveal. Talaga palang magisa pala talaga ako dito. The reality knocks hard on me. Minsan malungkot. Pero the truth is it is really more on managing myself that is the biggest challenge. Sabi nga nila, when no one is looking, I am as free. But same goes as well as when no one is looking, I can be the most vulnerable. 

The challenge is how to manage myself. It is just ironic that I seem to have all the time yet a genuine time for myself is still found wanting. There were moments I prayed hard and harder to keep my faith back. I felt like my faith has gone out of the window. The pressure to self has become so unnecessary. So what do I do? I live day by day, trying to get away from whatever distractions as much as possible. And keep the discipline and flow.    

2. Friends are leaving. For now. People change. That is the hard truth. Friends have different phases in their lives. They change. Tanggap ko naman na. May nangiiwan. May hindi na nagpaparamdam. My regret? Minsan iniisip ko why did I spend a lot of time with them, what for?, I know this is a not a good attitude, and that is the sad part. Understanding is harder. And I am trying to understand. But then the hinanakit. Yung being truthful. Puwede naman magpaalam. Well, some people will not give you that privilege. Siguro, it is more on being honest. Well again some people will not give you that privilege either. So what do I do? I remain open. Mahirap din naman na magpakabitter. I pray for more understanding because I do not. How I wish I have more genuine friends in the future, which I will like to work on. I miss being Miss Friendship. I miss being Miss Congeniality.  

3. Transformation. I do not know. Para akong naging mas seryoso, mas naging deliberate, intentional, negiotiating. 2025 has been the year of so many questions. Kulang na lang tanungin ko din sa sarili ko ang 'Where lies my future?' which was natanong ko din pala. Kaloka. Andoon pa rin yung uncertainty, precarity, yung feeling ko konti na lang oras natin yet I still cannot believe I could accomodate a lot of crap into my life, missed opportunities, incomplete tasks, unnecessary habits, people who do not even deserve my attention. Marami rami pa din naman. And then, nagising na lang ako isang araw na, what the hell, Now I feel blank? What do I do? What have I been doing? Where are my passions? Where are my favorite things? Puro na lang tayo trabaho? Nasaan na ang paglalandi? What am I doing? I need to do things that matter to me?! So mga ganyang drama. 

4.  Tuloy pa rin naman ang appointment ko sa pyschiatrist ko. I like our moments. at naisip ko lang, kailan kaya matatapos ang depression ko? At medyo, tanggap ko na rin naman na medyo matatagalan and I can only hope that I be healed soon. On a personal note, I feel fine living with it for now as long as I take care of it and be kind to it. Looking back, what if I did not choose this path? What If I had not visited the clinic? Saan na kaya ako ngayon?

It seems like wala akong urgency to heal. I know this takes time. Sabi ko nga I may as well write a book or make a creative project, para maging productive man lang. Well, I have some project ideas as early as late this year. I must say my condition is better now than July. I am on my road to healing.Sabi nga ni Mariah, 'Nothing is Impossible' and I am 'Here For It All' 

Small Wins

'Something is not fine'. Ito ang kataga ng aking therapist on my first day of counseling. I intended to continue my therapy again this year. Took a backseat early this year because of other schedules. Early this week, I went to the foreign residents' center, filled up the form and after a week, I got an appointment. Before I knew it, I was at the clinic, waiting for my session. 

It is a safe space, reassuring and at least for five sessions, I have to attend, otherwise magbabayad ako and it is not cheap. And/or worse, I won't reach my objectives. 'To be honest, I do not expect something out of these sessions' sabi ko. 'Maybe later, but for now, there have really been a lot of unprecedented emotions and I need a safe space. I need a professional', sabi ko pa. After the 50-min. session, I came out mentally exhausted, really mentally exhausted that I wanted to savor it at ayoko pang umuwi ng bahay. Naglakad pa ako ng konti, nag self-debrief. I felt brave that night. I felt tired but hopeful. Napakavulnerable ko lang lately, napaka emotional, napakasensitive, and I know it is going to linger for a while. Maybe it is just fine. But from a professional's point of view, something is not. Still small win that I knock on the clinic's door. 

I paid all my dues this year. At least as far as my social security is concern. Para matapos na rin. Must I say hindi naman tayo mayaman at forever middle class tayo in my Filipino lifetime, kaya kahit papaano, ang mga government-related insurance, update update din pag may time for some safety net purposes. I feel proud pag binabayaran ko ang taxes, sss, pag-ibig, real property tax at kung ano pang government obligations. Parang napaka useful ko sa society kahit alam naman natin na napakalaki ng utang sa akin ng gobyerno when it comes to quality of living. Clean ang dues natin this year so small win. 

Told my bff, I have been thinking of Eat, Pray, Love vibes lately. Just really feeling it, something new, something personal, something that is healing on some life's deep regrets. This constant need of searching. No judgement. Everyone goes through phases. Some unfortunate ones may not even know it. For now, I just want to stay curious, rediscover things that I love and record as many beautiful moments. 

I do not know. Small wins help to get through the day. Sometimes, I feel I am running out of time. Do I even have to try or just go with the flow. Maraming magbabago at least in the next five years. I must brave these changes - both intended and by Grace. 'Change is not a choice. Not for me. It just happens and you are different' (Susan Orleans, Adaptation)   

2025, after almost five months

• Puro tayo trabaho, here and there. I feel the threshold. I feel the impatience. But of course, I feel the fulfilment. There are a lot of things on my work-life plate. Anxiety has been a regular visitor. Minsan pag sanay ka na na si anxiety bisita mo, mawawala na rin naman kalaunan. Kaloka. Short of becoming numb. Pero minsan iba pa rin si manay anxiety, mostly being triggered by expectations, tasks, hitsura ng mga nega vibes sa paligid ko or simply random rumination. 
  
  So one time nag brain dump session ako. Linista ko lahat, unfiltered, all things that preoccupy me, non stop. It does not matter kahit yung paghugas ng baso, linista ko na rin. I feel light after. I feel bliss afterwards. After few minutes, I look at the list. Then I prioritize it. Move here and there. I make some deadlines. Kind deadline that is, not rushing. Then I choose three tasks of the day- whatever level of difficulty it has. Kahit magtapon ng basura, isang task na yan for me. Only three. Bonus na ang four. Then I do nothing. Lol. This works for me for some time now. I am just glad that I have grown with this method. Of course hindi naman perfect ang implementation. Nalilihis pa rin naman but I keep on trying and what matters is it is working.  
  
  
• I realized that it has been a year of questions lately. I do not intend to answer them soon. I pray for patience and for every day grounding. One time in my random doomscrolling, I chanced upon this guy who said that everytime he is faced with a lot of questions, he just says Bahala Na. Nagkaroon ako tuloy ng epiphany. It has been sometime that I heard this phrase again. It strikes me that this is a powerful and organic framing for me. I know may mga negative connotation din ang Bahala Na. But on the other hand this is a tool that will help you get through. I promise to use Bahala Na in a more positive way, in a more empowering way. Bahala Na that lets you give space for the Universe to work its magic. Bahala Na that lets you do what is good and diligent enough and let the Universe work its part. Alam ko marami na naman tayong tanong, let's work it out one by one, pero Bahala Na si Batman, kumbaga.
  
  
• So what do I do now? I do not know. I will take a step at a time. Perhaps less expectations na rin sa mga tao. My social life here is kind of dwindling. For example, mahirap na rin kitain mga kaibigan ko dito sa Seoul. Lumalabnaw na rin ang mga pagkikita. Pahirapan pa sa mga yayaan. Hindi pa magtugma sa schedule. Tama nga ang sinabi na successful friendships also depend on what life stages you and your friends are. Rare chance na magkaroon ka ng friend na papunta ka pa lang, pabalik na siya. Either you share interests or mag effort talaga kayo. Mga Titas of Seoul, iba't iba na rin ang mga issues and I cannot relate and sometimes, bad vibes na rin. I remain open. What matters for now is I remain open. In one of my lonely moments here, I told myself, 'I guess you are on your own now'. It is lonely and I recognize it. Well, Bahala Na si Batman.  

Bazi Reading Lectures by Chat GPT. For Keeps.

• Energy management - purposeful breaks, optimize energy level, and limit digital exposure! 
• Track execution not only ideas. Start your visibility now but quietly. No loud marketing. 
• Reposition your expertise, refine your focus, and take calculated actions
• Stop chasing New Starts. Elevate your current experience!
• Career- Where in your industry are there gaps that you can fill? 
• Transition is an upgrade not a failure. 
• You thrive when being selective about your inputs (in short, choose your effort na). External information distracts/ destabilizes you easily. 
• Consistent, gentle actions beat dramatic moves. Small, steady progress rather than all or nothing energy. 
• You absorb other's energy easily. 
• Success is in consistent small wise steps not sudden storms. Nourish your energy and build ground up patiently. 
• To build more Earth, speak slower, pause before responding in conversations, slowing speech centers your mind.
• To balance Metal, declutter one thing per day. No massive decluttering. Allow 20% open space in your daily plans. 
• Need to Build More Earth - grounding, slowing, eating warm foods, and gentle movements. 
• Need to Balance Metal - decluttering slowly, soft routines, breathe space into your discipline.
• Small visibility acts that are consistent and confident. Quite confidence rather than loud marketing.
• Charm magnetism when grounded and intentional. Posture that is shoulder down and core engaged. Walk slower with intention. Clean look becoming magnetic. Whisper in style. 
•  Energy is most expressive, optimum from late morning to mid afternoon. Schedule important conversations, presentations, networking
• Evenings - low key charms, inner work, and 1:1 connection
• Break tasks into weekly sprints. 80% ready is enough, do not wait for perfection. More output means more leverage. 
• Recognition lag -> document wins and communicate your contributions
• Extra patience to yourself. Do not rush/ act without processing the inner flow. 
• Self-core reflections rather than overloading oneself. 
• Three key tasks per day not a huge to do list. Slow, steady wins
• To improve Earth energy, stability over excitement. To improve Metal energy, precision over rush. Small daily wins over big moves.  
• Reinforce grounding over fluctuating emotions. Stick to routines to two-three habits/ tasks a day. Nourishment, rest, and clean space. Quie power in style, poise, and language. 
• Do not based on urge to do more. One main project per week. Three priorities per day. 
• Era of small wins and consistency. Concrete, repeatable actions that strengthen grounding, charm, productivity, and emotional resilience. 
• Energy glow guide - Short, elegant piece weekly, 500-700 words weekly. Charm boosting habits. Quiet magnetism.
• Deepen family/ foundation based actions. Charmed routine, tidying, and self care. 
• Silent influence. Avoid overperforming. Quiet Confidence. 

2025

How has the new year been? January is for some reflection. It extends until February because of my birth month. And there are work, catch up with friends in between. Ang dami ding kalat na dapat ayusin that they are calling me! I realize I have a 'lot of stuff', small stuff. Who needs a fabric freshener and a knee support?!, pakshet. 

The thing with me is I am more of utilitarian(?) when I buy stuff. Kailangan talaga gamitin at gamitin agad, ubusin, maluma at pag di na magamit, say a little prayer :), then itapon (may mga exceptions like...books). Sa madaling salita, di ko siya ginagamit! It is just madaming kalat. I have almost a week's worth of holiday to at significantly reduce all these kalat, to organize, gamitin, idispense what is not bringing me joy, at ubusin at itapon. 

How has the new year been?  I have been thinking a lot. Birthday blues. The tendency for me is to alienate though. Just having a routine and doom scroll. We have our seasons and winter time is one of those that the self overthinks and hibernates at the same time. Minsan mindset lang naman yan. Minsan you just feel the lethargy and let it flow. 

This week, I dreamt of Papa. I was hugging him. I said I will be back home by June this year. June because that is my first planned vacation. Hindi ko kasi nabisita baka nagtampo. hehe. More than that, it is a sign. It is a sign to go to back to my core, return to my center. Nalilihis na ako. There is so much things on my plate at bawasan na din naman. 

Reprioritize and take care of myself. Sometimes I fulfil so many small parts that I feel disconnected and I lose the big picture. I am losing the big picture. Last time, I felt I had been mocking myself for no reason. I felt I have not been taking care of myself seriously. Sometimes, I feel nagmamadali for no reason. Attention deficit. And it just saddened me for a fact that why do I do it? And that is the time I have become more vulnerable. Why? I also do not know. It's either I am bored with my life or there is just this chronic dissatisfaction that I need to heal. But what I know is I am trying my best to live a sense of purpose. And what is clear is I need to reduce things on my plate to clear out my head and not lose the big picture. What to let go- what's not working, what's not giving me joy, the temporary joys that do not contribute to the big picture. 

The Plan. This year, there has to be consistency and routine. Marami ding mga friends na bibisita sa akin. It will be fun and memorable. Before they come in, makapagresearch na nga din ng mga bago dito City. Sabi ko sa officemate ko, ano ang plano mo this year? sabi ko gusto ko matutong magluto, mga domestic hacks (like seriously hindi ko alam ang concept ng circuit breaker ano ho), mga upskilling and reskilling (kung kailangan maggantsilyo at buhayin ang plant tita levels), mag self publish, buhayin ang natutulog na career, mga ganoong levels. Siya naman daw gusto niya iacquire na yung EU citizenship niya. O di ba? Nahiya naman tayo sa mga goals natin, haha. I do have some big plans - start renovating the family house (maglagay ng Buddha garden (na ayaw ni Mama dahil ibang god daw si Buddha, sabi ko hindi siya god (sa next blog na to, haha), travel with my fam, magipon dahil maglilipat na ako ng residence (at malaki na), magtravel for food (concept travel, here I come), mag self publish with bongang bongang pseudonym (try ko ito) at magbenta ng St. Peter! (yes, agent na po ako, haha) 

On a serious note, maganda din naman na there is something to look forward to. Isn't it divine that we are capable to look forward to something, to hope?

The Plan. Less distraction and just get things done and document my events. Marami tayong selfies this year. Eme. I will be kinder to myself. I will.