Full of One

1. So kamusta naman na? This holiday is kakaiba. Nagdecide kami with some of the fam to spend Christmas in Bangkok. Naenjoy naman. Nagenjoy din bulsa ko, kaloka. On a more personal note, I am happy kase I got to spend time with my Mom out of country and we talked some plans in the coming years. Matanda na rin si Mama and we are catching up on the lost time. One thing I realize is puwede at kaya naman pala mag out of town as long as the logistics are planned well. May kasama din kaming pamangkin so there are many considerations. Well for one thing, we did not DIY. Halos lahat di sundo at pa private tour. That is where the preparation takes the details. I needed to consider the hotel's vibes as well. Naitawid naman namin. I also got to have as much sleep. Yung schedule naman namin is not mala Amazing Race. Maka quota kami ng isang activity per day, ok na. Usually for dinner sa hotel na lang. I intend to organize a yearly event. It may not always be outside the country pero consistent dapat.

2. At nagpaiwan na rin ako dito. I like Bangkok. It's like Manila with triple upgrade. Sometimes I see myself making a living here. Supposedly babalik na ako sa Seoul but then naisip ko, malamig, naka leave naman ako, or puwede naman akong mag work from home and honestly, I do not like feeling celebrating my yearender there. Somehow I do not like seeing my friends there rin muna. Parehas lang naman na magisa ako almost all the time, eh dito na lang. So far, bedrotting and doomscrolling haha. Ewan ko, most of the time I am here in bkk, I do not usually plan in details. Basta ok na sa akin na malapit sa MRT/ BTS and I can go anywhere I like. My plan is to just get the sense of calmness and gratitude and renewal in the coming year. 

3. There is a lot to be grateful in 2025 with all its challenges and gains. I am just grateful na nalampasan natin ang mga hanash. Work was steady. Health was steady but needs more effort. Sa aspetong financial, nagkakautang pero nababayaran naman kalaunan. 

But one aspect na hindi natin makakaila this year was working out my mental state of mind. Six months din tayong pabalik balik sa counseling center. I showed up with the hope that I keep myself at bay with all my anxiety, fear, and ruminations and self pity. I was bored, challenged, chronically dissatisfied. I was resenting for no reasons. Kulang na lang kumanta ako ng Reflection (more of Christina Aguilera's Version), 'Who is that girl I see, staring straight at me, back at me?' Kaloka but true. 

As I cap off my year, I realize that most of the time this year, I just chose to not exert effort. I procrastinated. I simply chose not to do, not to pursue things. I made a lot of personal excuses. I made a lot of time planning, sorting out. I overhwhelmed and overcommitted. I put everything in half-baked. Kung makumpleto naman, dinadownplay agad and I do not cherish enough. And I know this is not true and this is also being unfair to myself. 

4. I realized that I had been 'full of myself'. I miss the 'hard work'. I miss taking chances. I miss my myself thriving, vibrant, my gayness. Yung hindi ka takot magkamali. Namiss kong maging maganda. At feeling ko, I  have been shit talking for most of the time this year. Again, alam ko naman that this is not true. This is also being unfair to myself. Feeling ko maraming nawalang opportunities sa akin or nag stall muna because of I took care of my mental state. Nag rest muna ako. Nag steady ng routine. I just let it flow. Sabi ng therapist ko, If I think maraming nawala sa akin this year because of depression, can it also be true na marami ka ding na gain when I decided to work out of my depression? 

5. What did I gain? I gained a sense of peace and resolve. I gained a sense of calmness and continuous healing. I feel braver because I showed up. I feel more confident because I accepted to become vulnerable. One thing that struck me in our sessions was she said that depression is not a label, but it is a feeling. Just like any other feeling, it is fleeting. Almost a fleeting year.  I think and feel I become a better person this year, in all honesty.  

Lessons Learned 2025

1. 'I never felt alone' and I am really living alone. For the first time since I do not know when. It is the big reveal. Talaga palang magisa pala talaga ako dito. The reality knocks hard on me. Minsan malungkot. Pero the truth is it is really more on managing myself that is the biggest challenge. Sabi nga nila, when no one is looking, I am as free. But same goes as well as when no one is looking, I can be the most vulnerable. 

The challenge is how to manage myself. It is just ironic that I seem to have all the time yet a genuine time for myself is still found wanting. There were moments I prayed hard and harder to keep my faith back. I felt like my faith has gone out of the window. The pressure to self has become so unnecessary. So what do I do? I live day by day, trying to get away from whatever distractions as much as possible. And keep the discipline and flow.    

2. Friends are leaving. For now. People change. That is the hard truth. Friends have different phases in their lives. They change. Tanggap ko naman na. May nangiiwan. May hindi na nagpaparamdam. My regret? Minsan iniisip ko why did I spend a lot of time with them, what for?, I know this is a not a good attitude, and that is the sad part. Understanding is harder. And I am trying to understand. But then the hinanakit. Yung being truthful. Puwede naman magpaalam. Well, some people will not give you that privilege. Siguro, it is more on being honest. Well again some people will not give you that privilege either. So what do I do? I remain open. Mahirap din naman na magpakabitter. I pray for more understanding because I do not. How I wish I have more genuine friends in the future, which I will like to work on. I miss being Miss Friendship. I miss being Miss Congeniality.  

3. Transformation. I do not know. Para akong naging mas seryoso, mas naging deliberate, intentional, negiotiating. 2025 has been the year of so many questions. Kulang na lang tanungin ko din sa sarili ko ang 'Where lies my future?' which was natanong ko din pala. Kaloka. Andoon pa rin yung uncertainty, precarity, yung feeling ko konti na lang oras natin yet I still cannot believe I could accomodate a lot of crap into my life, missed opportunities, incomplete tasks, unnecessary habits, people who do not even deserve my attention. Marami rami pa din naman. And then, nagising na lang ako isang araw na, what the hell, Now I feel blank? What do I do? What have I been doing? Where are my passions? Where are my favorite things? Puro na lang tayo trabaho? Nasaan na ang paglalandi? What am I doing? I need to do things that matter to me?! So mga ganyang drama. 

4.  Tuloy pa rin naman ang appointment ko sa pyschiatrist ko. I like our moments. at naisip ko lang, kailan kaya matatapos ang depression ko? At medyo, tanggap ko na rin naman na medyo matatagalan and I can only hope that I be healed soon. On a personal note, I feel fine living with it for now as long as I take care of it and be kind to it. Looking back, what if I did not choose this path? What If I had not visited the clinic? Saan na kaya ako ngayon?

It seems like wala akong urgency to heal. I know this takes time. Sabi ko nga I may as well write a book or make a creative project, para maging productive man lang. Well, I have some project ideas as early as late this year. I must say my condition is better now than July. I am on my road to healing.Sabi nga ni Mariah, 'Nothing is Impossible' and I am 'Here For It All' 

Small Wins

'Something is not fine'. Ito ang kataga ng aking therapist on my first day of counseling. I intended to continue my therapy again this year. Took a backseat early this year because of other schedules. Early this week, I went to the foreign residents' center, filled up the form and after a week, I got an appointment. Before I knew it, I was at the clinic, waiting for my session. 

It is a safe space, reassuring and at least for five sessions, I have to attend, otherwise magbabayad ako and it is not cheap. And/or worse, I won't reach my objectives. 'To be honest, I do not expect something out of these sessions' sabi ko. 'Maybe later, but for now, there have really been a lot of unprecedented emotions and I need a safe space. I need a professional', sabi ko pa. After the 50-min. session, I came out mentally exhausted, really mentally exhausted that I wanted to savor it at ayoko pang umuwi ng bahay. Naglakad pa ako ng konti, nag self-debrief. I felt brave that night. I felt tired but hopeful. Napakavulnerable ko lang lately, napaka emotional, napakasensitive, and I know it is going to linger for a while. Maybe it is just fine. But from a professional's point of view, something is not. Still small win that I knock on the clinic's door. 

I paid all my dues this year. At least as far as my social security is concern. Para matapos na rin. Must I say hindi naman tayo mayaman at forever middle class tayo in my Filipino lifetime, kaya kahit papaano, ang mga government-related insurance, update update din pag may time for some safety net purposes. I feel proud pag binabayaran ko ang taxes, sss, pag-ibig, real property tax at kung ano pang government obligations. Parang napaka useful ko sa society kahit alam naman natin na napakalaki ng utang sa akin ng gobyerno when it comes to quality of living. Clean ang dues natin this year so small win. 

Told my bff, I have been thinking of Eat, Pray, Love vibes lately. Just really feeling it, something new, something personal, something that is healing on some life's deep regrets. This constant need of searching. No judgement. Everyone goes through phases. Some unfortunate ones may not even know it. For now, I just want to stay curious, rediscover things that I love and record as many beautiful moments. 

I do not know. Small wins help to get through the day. Sometimes, I feel I am running out of time. Do I even have to try or just go with the flow. Maraming magbabago at least in the next five years. I must brave these changes - both intended and by Grace. 'Change is not a choice. Not for me. It just happens and you are different' (Susan Orleans, Adaptation)   

2025, after almost five months

• Puro tayo trabaho, here and there. I feel the threshold. I feel the impatience. But of course, I feel the fulfilment. There are a lot of things on my work-life plate. Anxiety has been a regular visitor. Minsan pag sanay ka na na si anxiety bisita mo, mawawala na rin naman kalaunan. Kaloka. Short of becoming numb. Pero minsan iba pa rin si manay anxiety, mostly being triggered by expectations, tasks, hitsura ng mga nega vibes sa paligid ko or simply random rumination. 
  
  So one time nag brain dump session ako. Linista ko lahat, unfiltered, all things that preoccupy me, non stop. It does not matter kahit yung paghugas ng baso, linista ko na rin. I feel light after. I feel bliss afterwards. After few minutes, I look at the list. Then I prioritize it. Move here and there. I make some deadlines. Kind deadline that is, not rushing. Then I choose three tasks of the day- whatever level of difficulty it has. Kahit magtapon ng basura, isang task na yan for me. Only three. Bonus na ang four. Then I do nothing. Lol. This works for me for some time now. I am just glad that I have grown with this method. Of course hindi naman perfect ang implementation. Nalilihis pa rin naman but I keep on trying and what matters is it is working.  
  
  
• I realized that it has been a year of questions lately. I do not intend to answer them soon. I pray for patience and for every day grounding. One time in my random doomscrolling, I chanced upon this guy who said that everytime he is faced with a lot of questions, he just says Bahala Na. Nagkaroon ako tuloy ng epiphany. It has been sometime that I heard this phrase again. It strikes me that this is a powerful and organic framing for me. I know may mga negative connotation din ang Bahala Na. But on the other hand this is a tool that will help you get through. I promise to use Bahala Na in a more positive way, in a more empowering way. Bahala Na that lets you give space for the Universe to work its magic. Bahala Na that lets you do what is good and diligent enough and let the Universe work its part. Alam ko marami na naman tayong tanong, let's work it out one by one, pero Bahala Na si Batman, kumbaga.
  
  
• So what do I do now? I do not know. I will take a step at a time. Perhaps less expectations na rin sa mga tao. My social life here is kind of dwindling. For example, mahirap na rin kitain mga kaibigan ko dito sa Seoul. Lumalabnaw na rin ang mga pagkikita. Pahirapan pa sa mga yayaan. Hindi pa magtugma sa schedule. Tama nga ang sinabi na successful friendships also depend on what life stages you and your friends are. Rare chance na magkaroon ka ng friend na papunta ka pa lang, pabalik na siya. Either you share interests or mag effort talaga kayo. Mga Titas of Seoul, iba't iba na rin ang mga issues and I cannot relate and sometimes, bad vibes na rin. I remain open. What matters for now is I remain open. In one of my lonely moments here, I told myself, 'I guess you are on your own now'. It is lonely and I recognize it. Well, Bahala Na si Batman.  

Bazi Reading Lectures by Chat GPT. For Keeps.

• Energy management - purposeful breaks, optimize energy level, and limit digital exposure! 
• Track execution not only ideas. Start your visibility now but quietly. No loud marketing. 
• Reposition your expertise, refine your focus, and take calculated actions
• Stop chasing New Starts. Elevate your current experience!
• Career- Where in your industry are there gaps that you can fill? 
• Transition is an upgrade not a failure. 
• You thrive when being selective about your inputs (in short, choose your effort na). External information distracts/ destabilizes you easily. 
• Consistent, gentle actions beat dramatic moves. Small, steady progress rather than all or nothing energy. 
• You absorb other's energy easily. 
• Success is in consistent small wise steps not sudden storms. Nourish your energy and build ground up patiently. 
• To build more Earth, speak slower, pause before responding in conversations, slowing speech centers your mind.
• To balance Metal, declutter one thing per day. No massive decluttering. Allow 20% open space in your daily plans. 
• Need to Build More Earth - grounding, slowing, eating warm foods, and gentle movements. 
• Need to Balance Metal - decluttering slowly, soft routines, breathe space into your discipline.
• Small visibility acts that are consistent and confident. Quite confidence rather than loud marketing.
• Charm magnetism when grounded and intentional. Posture that is shoulder down and core engaged. Walk slower with intention. Clean look becoming magnetic. Whisper in style. 
•  Energy is most expressive, optimum from late morning to mid afternoon. Schedule important conversations, presentations, networking
• Evenings - low key charms, inner work, and 1:1 connection
• Break tasks into weekly sprints. 80% ready is enough, do not wait for perfection. More output means more leverage. 
• Recognition lag -> document wins and communicate your contributions
• Extra patience to yourself. Do not rush/ act without processing the inner flow. 
• Self-core reflections rather than overloading oneself. 
• Three key tasks per day not a huge to do list. Slow, steady wins
• To improve Earth energy, stability over excitement. To improve Metal energy, precision over rush. Small daily wins over big moves.  
• Reinforce grounding over fluctuating emotions. Stick to routines to two-three habits/ tasks a day. Nourishment, rest, and clean space. Quie power in style, poise, and language. 
• Do not based on urge to do more. One main project per week. Three priorities per day. 
• Era of small wins and consistency. Concrete, repeatable actions that strengthen grounding, charm, productivity, and emotional resilience. 
• Energy glow guide - Short, elegant piece weekly, 500-700 words weekly. Charm boosting habits. Quiet magnetism.
• Deepen family/ foundation based actions. Charmed routine, tidying, and self care. 
• Silent influence. Avoid overperforming. Quiet Confidence.