Muni Munis Independence Day Edition

1. It must be the Thai massage last night and I was feeling lazy the whole day. Pakiramdam ko gulay ang katawan ko. It is as if the massage had sucked up all my energy. I liked the massage to be fair and I will go back again.  But today is one of those days where your body tells you not to do anything and just lazy around. So what have I done so far? reading, sleeping, listening to some kpop even I do not know what it means, and wandering my thoughts to as far as home. Somehow it feels good. Saturday has always been a free day for me. But I hope to be feeling 'productive' before the end of the day.

2. I have been thinking of a new personal project. Another blog where I can hone my writing skills. I have been inspired to 'write'. I have been drawn to this idea to go back to 'writing seriously'. I bought two books on writing! And I am reminded that this is one of my resolutions for this year.  I still write in my job. I still want to keep this blog because this is my no-holds-barred blog. But I am excited by the prospect. No grand plans. Just trying to be consistent and cultivate a writing habit. All my work-related and experience can be posted there.

3. Philippine Independence Day bukas at meron isang araw na kasiyahan at programa sa Banpo Hangang Park para sa mga Filipinos dito sa Korea. Maraming Filipinos dito sa Korea. Iba't ibang klase ang mga dahilan kung bakit sila nandito. Excited din naman ako bukas. Nagpakilala na ako sa ambassador dito noong isang book reading session with Butch Dalisay dito. And I intend to be a familiar figure in the embassy for the next months to come. Gawin nating goal yan. haha.

Karamihan sa amin ay mga EPS workers (under the Philippine-Korea worker's program) o may mga blue-collar jobs. Nakakatuwa din naman silang pagmasdan. Mga makukulit. Mga maiingay. Yung iba OA. At ilang beses na rin ako natanong kung magkano ang suweldo ko at paano daw ako nakakuha ng visa ko. Para bang minsan sa tono ng pananalita nila ay may ginawa akong kakaiba. Do not worry, naovercome ko na yan. Haha. Ang visa ko naman kase ay iba sa kanila. Sabi ng Filipino desk officer sa office namin ang visa ko daw ay isa sa mga sought-after visa status since puwede kang magpalipat lipat ng trabaho at mabilis ang permanent residency. Akala ko naman may discount sa mga pamilihan at sa buwis. Yeah, I paid tax to Korean government. Sa totoo lang, I don't get to privilege my visa status. For what? Wala naman akong balak mag permanent resident dito maliban na lang kung magkajowa ng Koreano at kung dito ako magsettle, eh di effortless. Char.  Gawin din nating semi-goal yan. haha

4. Nitong buwan, naramdaman ko na parami ng parami at pabigat ang trabaho ko. Parami kase ang bossing ko ay tila walang konsepto ng sharing the burden. Pasa sa akin ang ilang trabaho niya pero hindi naman ako overworked to be fair. Sa linya ng trabaho ko, importante ang outcome. At kung hindi maconnect ang ginagawa mong output sa outcome. Medyo source of stress sa akin ito. Ayoko sa lahat yung pinipilit na maidaos lang. May konting diligence naman dapat. Well, I have my own program to manage so kebs. So focus na lang muna. Work hard, play harder.

Stay in Love

How are you? How have you been?

1. It is beginning to feel like summer here, a colleague said. Yesterday, the highest temperature went up at 30 degrees (in the city). News said the weather broke all-time record because the government issued a national emergency warning to residents not to go outdoors, if not necessary. It was a first time a warning as such is issued since 1932. I received an sms in Hangeul (Korean language) about it. And I asked my colleague what was the sms about since it might mean my apartment studio was burning! Anyhows, 30 degrees? This is way better than in Manila when it can rise to 40 degrees. I learn that the average summer weather is at 25 degrees so the 30 degrees was a bit of concen.

2. It was a bit of a downer this week. After the Bangkok visit, I felt the 'fatigue'. Physically tired at the least. I remember it was Monday night I was so tired and I could not wait to sleep and I slept for 10 hours straight! I woke up still with lights on, with my office wear. It has not been a long time since I did it. I have a recurring cold, or I do not know, maybe this is allergy. My boss got miscarriage. I could see that 'sad look' in her face. My other colleague arranged everything for us in our out-of-town official trip next week and I felt guilty I was not able to guide her well simply because I had lots of things to do. This all mixed up to a kind of stress. And to destress here for now means I had to buy something to read and I got a bit excited because I found Flow and Monocle magazines and I bought another book! If there is anything to look forward this weekend, it is weekend reading in a nice coffeeshop and just have an afternoon chillin'!

3. I took some time off in Bangkok after a two-day official conference. I did not get the chance to go around s much as I could but it's ok. Bangkok's urban design is also same with Manila, minus the temples. Same weather, same traffic and same taxi drivers who charged me double because it was traffic! Same facial features even! But I appreciate the people there. I do not know but I have a notion that most Thais do not have issues in life at parang ang taas ng inner peace levels nila. haha. Probably because they are mostly buddhist. I am wondering what it's like to have a Thai boyfriend kaya?   Despite the weather and the crowded Wat Pho temple, it was just fine. I had seen as many Buddha as I could. If only it could also mean giving me enough zen cookie points.

4. My vacation leave was sort of a retreat for me since I begun my self-imposed retreat last year. I remember I went to Malaybalay, Bukidnon at the Monastery of Transfiguration. I enjoyed it. No expectations, just me and the silence of its surroundings. This trip was different. Most of the time I stayed in the hotel, say by the pool, and just trying to wander. And not to mention the national elections! So it got me a little preoccupied. But I wrote some random notes and it was kind of reassuring.

      'It has been a while since I wrote to you and I know many things are changing since you relocated. At some point, in some time and in some moment, you still cannot believe it that you are out of country for work which is closely related to your passion. I know at some point in some time, you had imagined this doing global development work and now you are doing it! It can be quite exciting. But it can sometimes be lonely out there. I know how you feel at this point, you almost had a perfect social life back in Manila and it has been your life's buoy, saving you from work burnt out and life's frustration in general. Then suddenly - of course with your own choosing as well - you were plucked out and put you in a strange land. Funny thing is you feel sometimes this stint is just a long sabbatical leave at may babalikan ka pa sa Pilipinas in terms of career,  yung parang umalis ka lang sa work desk mo at nag-aral ka lang out of country, but in fact there is none!'

5.  It is not really the feeling of uncertainty but probably this feeling of transition that is burderning me. Feeling ko minsan I see a ship slowly losing out of sight in the horizon. I feel nakikisabay ako sa Philippine politics for now, with all this 'Change is Coming' brouhaha which is a bit overrated and overly romanticized. Change is also coming for me, pero di ba sometimes, the more we change, the more we stay the same!?

6. But Change is needed to be better. I am feeling good about this and I will not lose each opportunity. Adjustment takes time like 'finding love in a haystack' takes time! So what do I do? 'I'll Stay in love' sabi nga ni aleng Mariah Carey. Hindi ko siya maconnect actually haha pero ganoon na lang ang sagot ko muna. When I was having a coffee break in Bangkok, bigla na lang umappear si aleng Mariah as music background. I guess that's the answer for now.

Honeymoon's Over

Earlier this week, you received an email from your boss. She said I passed my probationary period 'with flying colors'.  Upon reading, there was pause. I closed my eyes and as if I was waiting for a whisper.  In the email, she said she looks forward for me working in the office for years. Ah ok. 'This beautiful city has been good to me. So far so good', in my reply to her email.

In my first three months in this office. Aaminin ko hindi ako masyadong excited. Yung trabaho ko to be fair, challenging pero gamay ko na. Ewan ko. Alam kong maraming bago. Siguro wala pa akong pera. Pero kahit na rin. Most of the time office-studio lang ang mga araw ko. Kaya Come What May lang ang peg muna. Walang expectations. Ganoon lang muna. Honeymoon ba ang tawag nito? Puwede. Kase ang konsept ng honeymoon, parang pakasaya ka muna. Masaya na ako sa ganoon. But after three months, I guess my Honeymoon's Over.

Ano ba ang ibig sabihin ng Honeymoon's Over?

1. Dapat siguro purposive at medyo dagdagan naman ang assertiveness sa mga bagay bagay sa paligid. Do not get me wrong. Hindi naman ako nega. Pero if you are in strange land, minsan nakakapagod din ang mag adjust. Unang una sa language. Number complain ko talaga ito. Hindi mo naman ginagamit sa trabaho. Hindi mo naman ginagamit sa pagsusulat. No pressure naman, to be fair.  But like what they say, When you're in Rome, do what the Romans do! You need to survive. Hindi ko kinakarir ang Korean class ko kahit isa lang absent ko. I attend class pero hanggang doon lang. Kahit manood ng Korean movies, parang wala ako sa mood lately. Mas gusto ko pang magenrol ulit ng Spanish. Ganoon ako ka sabaw lately. Pero sige, try ko ulit. Konting disiplina naman. Dagdagan pa ang exposure sa culture! Kung hindi madaan sa language class, daanin sa paggawa ng Korean porcelain! Mga ganoon. Let me get back to you in six month's time.

2. Medyo kailangan ko din naman yatang magpakilala ng konti. Yung Real Me (Char). (Do not get me wrong, I am not pretending, bago lang kase, bumubuwelo lang). Magpakabilat ng konti. Namiss ko ng lumandi. Parang feeling ko nagiging 'discreet' ako. Huwag naman sana! haha. Hintayin niyo lang magyaya ako sa karaoke! Kating kati na ako kumanta. At feeling ko nawawala na ang singing voice ko! Promise. Ang ibig sabihin lang naman nito is na bobore na ako dahil wala pa akong feel na feel na after office event.  Yung hindi naman mga clubbing levels. Kundi puro kainan.

3. Kailangan ko talaga ng sense of order. Promise. Nawawala yung internal discipline ko at medyo hindi ako masaya pagdatin sa aspeto na ito. What do I mean? It just means na kulang ang focus ko. Ang daming distractions. Social media, isa na yan. Yan lang ang libangan ko lang naman kase lately. Kailangan kong mag social media detox, sabi ko. Pero minsan kase after office talaga ay pagoda na ako. I told my officemate that during night time, I want to just let my mind wander, so it can recharge. But I guess there are far better ways as to how your mind can recharge.

4. Honeymoon's over kasi kailangan ko na rin atupagin ang future ko. Gusto ko naman lumevel up when it comes to my security of being. What does this mean? This job is not for long term, to be fair.  Renewable lang ang contract. But what if I do not like it here anymore. Mahirap ng umasa sa iba. Konting ipon. Konting investments. Pero huwag naman yung OA. Ayoko naman everyday iyan lang ang iisipin ko. What matters most is at the back of your mind, you have these safety nets.

5. I ask for patience. I ask for discernment. I ask for focus. Minsan exciting lang. Minsan nakakapagod din. Sabi nga ng boss ko, always act in good faith. Honeymoon's over. So, it means let's get back to werk. Yes, back to werk.

Old

Some people can just strike a chord louder. They are not even close to you. It is strange. You do not take offense. You just feel it is Real then it hit you to your core. 

I found out that my colleague is finalizing some details on her Spain trip. She is quite excited, sharing the news to me. She had opened it up and now, she already has a ticket, filed a leave of absence. I am excited for her and we both agree she needs to take that well-deserved and fun vacation. Besides, her best friend is based in Spain. 

Then she suddenly begun to have this reflecting tone. She said something about we, being the oldest in the officers’ group, are not getting any younger. She implies yes, time is running out so we have to make the most out of it. Like travelling where your curiosity takes you. I saw her face with a tinge of sadness, for the lack of better word. So honest and fragile. That tinge, that moment, laid my soul bare.  

It struck me. I thought about it in the subway, during dinner, not really on a panic mode, but there was a blank wall in front of me. I would not ever rationalize in moments of this. It will only do me harm. The sound of the city and its lights were enough to give me comfort. 

Yes, I am adult and getting old and there is no other way to put it. But it does not end there. I have grown wiser and yes, more beautiful, more ‘cougarish’ and I like it. I have been living quite an exciting life lately. I have never been more secure than today. There is no other way to put it. But I am not that type of person who would self shower with positive gold dust just to make it comforting. 

Since relocating here, there was a never a moment I would think of what to do. As of this writing, I feel the urge to do more but my body is weak, my mind needs recharge. There is always this voice in my head that says I need to be out there. Whatever out there means, however it takes, just be out there. For the first time, earlier in the subway, I thought of having a deadline. I cannot work here for long and here we go again, imagining what is out there. 

I have never grown 'old' of doing this, always this soul wanting to be more, to do more. The heart’s discontent. This is my curse, I believe. That is why I may never accomplish any tasks - like completing my master's degree or even completing a collector's item. The moment I am resolved to do it, there is this magical pull from somewhere. Always calculating, always feeling the urge to not do it and try to be content. All this ebb and flow. It can get tiring.  

I look my post-its on the wall. The many to-do lists. I look at them with a strange eyes, trying to rethink if ever I do it, not knowing, I planned it in the first place. Such a disclaimer. Some of them are quite progressing. Then in some days, I feel like the post-its are my masterpiece. 

Somehow, in my early professional life, I used to have this strange feeling of zest. I so felt I was Carrie Bradshaw and I felt I would be for many years. I tried to hold it. But then I lost this zest somewhere. That feeling. I do not have even a name for it. Maybe happiness. Maybe Faith. Maybe Love. I am trying to find it here. Even if it means finding anywhere in this side of the world.  But I do hope it is just back home. 

The Hours is one of many good films that I am reminded everytime I face some existential drama. In this scene with Meryl Streep in her usual brilliance, confronts some questions on happiness as her daughter helps her process the situation. Claire Danes would say, "all you're saying is you were once young'. It was poignant. 

P.S. 

I know this blog is only read by three or four persons whom I care dearly. One of them just celebrated her birthday. To you Manay, happy birthday, you are one of the bravest souls I know. We have been friends for years and it would have been the same in some parallel universe because to quote in the movie, Temptation Island, 'what are bitches for but to bitch around with their fellow bitches' 

Muni Munis of the Day

1. Maulan ngayong hapon. Masarap mag muni muni. Andito ako sa cafe. Chill lang. Kanina nag bus ride ako. First time. Sinubukan ko iyong isang one-way route papuntang Yongsan area. Mga 20 minute-ride din iyon bago bumalik. At least nagkaroon ako ng view of the city! Tumawid din kami ng Han River. Minsan kase na bobore ako dahil puro subway ako papuntang office. But for one thing, subway is faster. Anyhow, isa na ito sa mga upcoming 'cultural immersion' activities! haha. Complex ang bus system kase dito. Meron silang four to six digit combination number at pag maling bus number nasakyan mo. Medyo maliligaw. But most of the bus stops are near subway stations din. Kaya pag naligaw, best pa rin ang subway station as reference point. Kaya practice practice lang. 

2. So how has it been? It has been a month. 'I sometimes feel alone', I said to my friend over chat. 'Alone but not lonely!', he said. In the office, I feel my tasks are building up. Transition (the works) is ok. It is still 'learning by doing' approach for me. Supportive naman ang boss ko. But if there is one 'shift' I am focusing now, it is learning to have a 'global viewpoint'. I have never been really a 'fan' of being too much global. I have grown learning a lot of about local issues, getting things done at the local level, talking with local leaders, and getting fulfilment when you see what you do affects local communities. My work still does local. But the platform can be quite far reaching. I have to locate myself in all of these global currents. I have made Skype calls with persons in Canada, Brazil, Bangkok, and Philippines. And we were talking about South-South cooperation, international city metrics. Parang I am detaching myself from my usual grounding to developing a lot of conceptual abstractions. If there is one thing I cringe, it is talking about frieking 'framework ' all the time. Yeah, all this for World Peace! I can spend time for a while. The challenge is there. Is it exciting? Of course. Let me see how I synthesize all of these things. 

3.  I do not know about Facebook. But I so feel it has been so 'tabloid-ish' these days. Why do I get to be exposed in those advertisements and sometimes irrelevant posts. Some are spam. And why the hell this FB account pretends to be Matteo Guidicelli. And Matteo posting some flowery quotes! And A friend is sharing this post. Come on. Ang dami namang oras. If not for easy contact with my mom, siblings and friends, I would have dumped my account. They say you can control your settings blah blah blah. And isn't it funny that you have many Facebook friends yet most of them have become fence sitters, lurking. They have grown to be strangers.  Even I feel I am lurking. Probably because I have not done anything yet in my downtime. I need detox. I cannot expect from Facebook anymore. I mean it is like a marketplace. 

4. Money. It makes things both inspiring and a monster. I have never been comfortable in discussing money. But I have always believed if you are generous with it or you have worked hard it in the most decent way possible na wala kang linolokong tao, the Universe will find a way for you to have it and will never take it away from you. 

Before I came here, I worried about money. Because the rent deposit can be huge and it was huge. Even if it means you will get it at the end. And of course all the expenses of relocation. And yes, I would have borrowed from my friends, just to make me feel 'secure' pero dala na rin ng pride at hiya siguro. Kaya pa naman, sabi ko. What does this mean. I literally had all my 4/5 of my entire life savings when I went here just to offset the costs. So there went my first few weeks. Hindi naman ubos but of course I am in another country, I did not want to end up in the streets. 

Then I received my first pay three weeks ago at nabawi ko na lahat ng ginastos ko. This is not really to brag but I felt guilty of 'feeling worried' about it. Siguro hindi lang talaga ako marunong magbudget. Nag overestimate ako. Siguro kahit anong budget app ang iupload ko, mood ko mismo ang gatekeeper pagdating sa pera.  Or hindi ko lang talaga gusto maging dominant ang pera sa buhay ko. Huge turn off for me lalo na when we discuss it with strangers ( i mean personal money)

I remember when I was college I was praying in our university chapel. I prayed hard to God to take good care of me because ayoko namang yumaman (materially kahit isang big library lang at modest retirement house na may sari sari store, tapos mag tuturo sa community college ng sociology haha- yun lang naman) given the kind of career track I wanted. Hayaan mo na mga friends ko maging mayaman, makikisakay na lang ako. haha. Rather I need a fulfilling career, that is the trade off and good health! Lord, just make me the best talent there is in my field. Because I know  everything follows din naman kase when you like what you do - the comfort, the experience. You'll be surprised money has never been in the equation. I know there are a lot of perspectives on money. And that's what I like about Money! It is amoral. Its value is always based on the user. Enough about it. 

Anyhows, I still like that Kate Spade blue paandar bag I saw. haha.