City Dweller

I am a city dweller. I have been 'wired' by the notion of an urban life with years after years living in the city. I love what the city offers, the promise it holds on those who want to make a fresh start, to make it big in the City. I also love the contradictions. Its noise and irony, where some big dreams fail and others hope to reboot. I love this immense opportunity a city brings, not just on economic terms. I love the idea where everything can be accessible. I love the 'diversity'. I love the 'noir'.

In this ever and loyal city I live, I had a share. I witnessed the near grim. I felt the frustration of immobility. I waded in the dirty waters. I laughed with most joy with family and friends. I could stare big concrete when I could be most confused.

But the buzz gives me a sense of high. I can complain when there are just so many people like in the malls but I have always loved the 'sound' of people talking and sharing stories, laughing. The city's narrative is always rich. The sights and sounds, no matter how it gets frustrating, converge in a rhapsody.

After all the excitement this city brings, come night, I retreat in my apartment. Away from all the buzz. As soon as I arrive, close the door, I turn on music. I clean, wash dishes and read through my notes, send updates and enjoy the silence this apartment brings. Sometimes, it can be lonely but most of the time, it is reassuring because out there, on another day, the city is luring me to discover another set of perspectives. Through the narrow alleys, a bargain is calling. A friend in need and you are in the quaintest of coffeeshops. Sometimes predictable, but the city hates too many traditions because for it to become successful, its people need to innovate, to be creative, to become empowered, to deny conventions and renegotiate values. Of course, not all cities are created equal. But with one's perseverance and faith, the city can help make all your dreams come true.

Rule of thirds in surviving this city life. A series.

The bargain for your life.

1. Carry light. Travel light. A baggage is heavier than you think. Choose three most important things and carry them with you. I forget this a lot. I forget how it is to fucking go light. I do not mean Go Light in Life but go light while commuting! I do not have the luxury of car but I can very well navigate this chaotic city with ease.

However, the very least I can do is to carry two heavy pouches of two kind of organic rice with me, or two laptops, or a box of eight pomelos while walking along Ayala Avenue! All of which (though on separate events) I once carried while transferring from one vehicle to another. This caused me every bit of inconvenience and it never fails to make me think what had I done to deserve this. I cannot afford to do those moments anymore unless they are in emergency or I may think twice even.

2. Moisturize. I am desperate for moisture in this city. I have developed a habit for it even if it means keeping a little oil in my face. I have also developed of consuming one moisturizer (or two) at a time before buying another one. I am looking for a better alternative. I am thinking Kiehl's.

3. Keep away from the maddening crowd. A good friend commented that since I am an aspiring 'sociologist', I cannot complain much whenever there are too many people around because sociologists love to observe and meeting people. Not all the time. Well, everytime I get to meet with my friends, I make it a point to meet them at 'basta huwag sa maingay at konti ang tao.' I always love talking to friends and the least thing we can do is yelling at each other for updates. I have developed in me of going into quite and not so rowdy places - museums, theatres, libraries, open parks. It rejuvenates just about everything in me. It prepares you before going blending again into the maddening crowd. There will always be 'pockets of zen' in this city and yes, I will try to explore all of them. As long as they are pretty accessible.

Reorientation

Kimmidoll Miho. Artistic. (From a growing personal collection).

I once thought why is it easy for some people to write something that is either critical, sad or frustrating when there is just too many good things to write about. I remember an interview with the great food writer Doreen Fernandez, who by the way influenced me a lot on the way I look on food. The interviewer asked her, why did she rarely or even none at all write any bad reviews about food? And Doreen replied, it is because there are so many good food to write about and she does not have the luxury of time to write about bad taste. 

Well, I can always choose good taste over bad taste despite the relativity of it. But what I am pointing out is when I am retracing some of my entries here in the blog, para naman na over na sa 'feels'. I am probably addressing this dilemma to myself! Oh well, I cannot blame myself. For one, I have been writing here 'in the moment' and this blog has always been personal and an effective ranting platform. Or else I would have exploded a long time ago. Puwede nga itong pang blackmail na sa akin. 

But goodness gracious, reading at some past entries, I feel I need to reorient the nature of this blog to something light, at least in most entries! Something which I can look back and smile. Something which can help remind me of good memories and thoughts. Because good memories and thoughts help inspire you more! And because there are so many good things around and I feel I have been overlooking them. And in due time or If I am old enough to retire, I will reminisce this blog which should be very different from the way I am quite reminiscing them now.  

Kamusta ka naman 2015 so far.

'Ok naman ako so far. Nothing's new'. Kadalasan ito ang bungad ko pag tinatanong ako ng mga kaibigan ko. Siyempre, habang tumatagal ang chikahan, meron naman palang bago sa akin kalaunan.

So, kamusta nga ako so far. Heto, tapos na ang mid 2015. Ang bilis lang ng panahon. Pero gusto ko munang magpasalamat sa Divine Universe dahil hindi niya ako pinapabayaan. Medyo hindi ko lang bet ang first six months. Nakailang dalaw ako sa hospital - bisita sa aking kaibigan, sa magulang ng aking kaibigan, kahit kapatid ko na inatake ng appendicitis, kaibigan kong nirush sa hospital dahil sa gout. Naging common sight sa akin ang dextrose. Ang latest ay yung isa kong kaibigan, si Lolay, and sadly, she passed away battling cancer. Malungkot sa aking kalooban na malaman ang dinanas niya pero at peace na rin naman ako dahil alam kong masaya na siya. 

Nalungkot din ako sa sarili ko kasi kahit hindi ko naman control pero naisip ko bakit 'in season' ako sa hospital ngayon. Minsan naisip ko rin, mag pa confine na rin kaya ako at mag staycation. Tutal, health is wealth, meron naman akong health card, at bigyan ko naman ng konting paandar. Noong pauwi na ako mula sa wake ni Lolay, sabi ko sa sarili ko, 'ayoko na munang magbisita sa hospital for a long time'. 

Pero kalaunan sabi ko ibahin ko na lang ang pananaw ko. Wala namang masama kung iembrace ko ang concept ng wellness at tingnan ko ang isang trusted na hospital or puwede namang clinic na lang muna as part of my community. Suki lang ang peg. Sa totoo lang, bukod talaga sa pagstay sa hospital dahil sa sakit, ang gusto ko iwasan ay yung mga moments na pag nasa hospital ako ay wala akong  kakilalang doktor. Yung maghahanap ka pa at kung mamalasin ka, baka hindi pa maganda ang doktor na mapunta saiyo. Besides, I do not like the idea of interns examining me. Hindi ako guinea pig. Eh kung inaatake ka na at maghahanap pa lang ng doktor at ayaw mo ng interns. Kaya heto, medyo iniexpand ko ang directory ko ng mga doctors. Pati quack doktor, maghahanap na rin ako at ilalagay ko sa phone book ko. 

Ano pa ba, heto isa din sa mga issue ko lately ay mukhang yung isang matalik kong kaibigan ko ay wala na yata akong balak kitain for life. Medyo unfair siya kung tutuusin. Para kaming may mutual hinanakit sa isa't isa. Ang hinala ko, banggit ko kay Rency, na isa naming common friend, ay insecure siya sa akin, haha. Hayan, lumabas na rin ang pagka bitchesa ko. In this irony of life, huwag ka na lang mabibigla kung kahit yung mga bff mo ay bigla na lang mag missing in action. Pangalawa na siya in a span of six months. Naisip ko nga baka ako naman ang problema, sabi ko kay Rency. Hayaan ko na lang daw dahil siya naman ang nagdesisyon. Actually, okay naman sana  sa isang pagkakaibigan yung mga moments na 'hindi na muna ako magpapakita dahil mag fofocus muna ako sa life ko'. Eh pero yung hindi ka magpakita dahil wala kang perang panggastos, iba ang dating sa akin. Una, ayoko ng rinireduce at minimeasure ako sa kung magkano ang nasa loob ng wallet ko. Dahil iyan ang tinuro sa akin ng mga magulang ko. Pangalawa, never in my entire life that I measure my friends in terms of how much they have, how big they earn, how accomplished they are. Dahil hindi naman ganyan ang itinuro ng mga parents ko din. Hindi naman ako choosy sa mga friends, maliban lang naman siguro kung serial killer siya. 

Ang point ko lang naman is pointless. Sabi ni Rency, try to understand his situation. Medyo he is stretching his peso. Kung sa understanding the situation, matagal na. What about trying to understand my situation din kaya.  Nagiging acute ang pananaw kung dadaanin mo sa pera ang lahat lahat, pati pagkakaibigan niyo. Chronic iyan. Imagine hindi kayo magkikita dahil sa pera. Tapos malalaman mo post ng post ng travel. Okay, pera pala ha. Teka, saan kumakain pag nagkikita? sa hotel? sa club? Inday, sa Jolibee kami halos nagmemeet at kape sa Starbucks! Yun lang ang gastos. At hindi ko inisip ni minsan na Cheap ang Jolibee as meeting place for us to catch up. Puwede naman umutang. Puwede naman humindi. In the first place, hindi naman kayo naging magkaibigan dahil sa pera, in my case. Or hindi niya na lang na bet. 

So what do I do. Wala. Hayaan na natin. Na ha highblood lang ako. 

So ano pang chika. Heto, July na. For the remaining year, gusto ko bongga. Yung bonggang may hawak akong kutsilyo sa kamay dahil pag may umangal direcho saksak. I am thinking chuckie. haha. Siguro nahawaan lang ako ng friend ko kagabi. Iba din ang pag ka OC noon. Kung kailangan daw maputol yung dalawang paa niya para matapos ang degree niya, okay lang. I know he's just joking pero imagine you will trade your legs for a post doctoral degree. That's really something! So resolute. I admire his resolve. 

Kaya hayun. Chill lang. Huwag na masyadong magreklamo. Magtrabaho ng maayos. Wala na munang masyadong gastos. Huwag mag aksaya. Yung mga tipong ubusin muna ang mga pagkain sa ref bago maggrocery ulit at yung ubusin mo muna yung mga pahina sa mga notebook mo bago bumili ulit, yung basahin mo muna yung isang  libro bago bumili ulit. Mag ipon. Kailangan ko ng konting paandar next year. 

In the meantime, puwede na palang magpakasal sa US. Hahanap na ako ng partner doon and I will out work my dual citizenship. Kahita success story ang peg. Pero gusto ko dito pa rin ako nakabase sa Pilipinas. Wala lang. Mas mahal ko bansa kong sinilangan. Pero minsan maiinggit ka rin, buti pa gobyerno doon napaka developed. Imagine, kung tayo sinosolve natin kung paano tayo aangat mula sa kahirapan at kung paano alisin ang uber corruption, sa mga developed countries, kasal ang issue nila. Siguro sa ibang developed countries, sa sobrang developed nila at sa sobrang mataas ang quality of life, wala ng ibang napaguusapan, puro na lang paandar. I mean, kahit siguro pagaaral mo ng graduate school, libre na. Imagine. Binabayaran ka ng gobyerno para mag aral. Kahit siguro mga book clubs doon may sustento pa. Binabayaran kang magbasa ng libro at ibahagi ang nabasa mo. Not because these governments have lots of money and they do not know where to spend but because they want to improve further their collective so that they can improve their society in return. See the logic. Kaya nga yumayaman pa sila and they attract the best of minds and including Filipino young people. At ano ang natitira sa atin, and please forgive me if I say this, latak! 

But of course, I take the latak back because I do not believe it because those who choose to stay in this country and work for this country while they are young and beautiful and they make wealth here are equally considered as Modern Day Heroes.  

Eh wala eh, This is the best country we've got. Aangal pa ako. Thanks to my Tabon man ancestors who might have probably been crossing land bridges, Pangaea time,  and ended up in this mass of land called Philippines. Or to my Chinese Malay ancestors of mine who ended up trading here. Hindi man lang sila lumayo ng konti.

The body

In some of pleasant conversations with my older colleagues, friends, and mentors, I often asked them 'what were you doing when you were at my age?, How did it feel like? I feel somehow an instant connection when they try to remember and narrate the highlights on that particular period of their lives. Think of me as a child who is eager to listen to a story of a grandmother. 

I have always been fascinated by people who remember, who try to reaching a depth of their memory and reconstruct essential events, and they begin to articulate or to be surprised by it as if it is the first time that happens to them. Do not get me wrong. Some people create way too much fiction. Well, you can always cut the crap. 

What then is my purpose? To be honest, I want to know what was their emotional state of being during the time. Were they feeling depressed and how did they overcome it? Were they at the peak of their careers? Did someone special disappear and never come back? I feel fascinated. On a lighter side, were they starting a family? were they having the best time of their lives? Their answers were honest, were full of rich narratives. Of course, they can get to privilege themselves for most of the time but that is part of the story. 

One question that I often ask, 'Were you depressed, what did you do? Were you at some point didn't know what to do with your life?  And what did you do with it? You can suspect me of feeling depressed and in need of their guidance. Probably yes. Probably not. 

One colleague told me, when he was at my age, he did not really know what to do. He had a stable career. He wanted to marry his girlfriend but he was fearing of settling down. He wanted to do more but he could not. And he began to accept his limitations and worked himself to finding fulfilment in his own meaningful ways.  I told him, I may probably be feeling the same way you did at my age, but not the settling down thing. I told him in the most heartfelt manner, that this feeling has been going on and it is like this emotion is starting to be my friend. I have all the answers but time is telling me another story. A matter of choice, I said in a dismissive tone. 

My next question is how did it go away, your 'don't know what to do' state ? He said, in his full confidence, that it suddenly disappeared. 'I changed my career. I married my girlfriend. I had two handsome boys. My depression disappeared. Or probably it did convert into another form of confusion. But I am sure I did not feel the same way I felt it'. 

So, what is your advice to me? He said, just take care of your health. You may be feeling a lot of confusion at your age but your body must bear it. Your body must bear your emotional state. Drink lots of water. 

I did not know how to react. Maybe I needed some Purpose-Driven Life moments of some sort from him. But he was making sense. He made sense. At my age, I should love my body more.