I am trying my best

I must admit these past few weeks have been pretty much of a stretch.

In most dull moments, I have felt 'suspended' while waiting for my departure to Seoul. My procrastination evil spirit has been overlording my Marie Kondo peg for now. Everytime I see the big mess in my room - the stuff need to be disposed or arranged - either gusto ko silang itapon sa labas ng bintana (like those in the movies except wala naman akong pinalalayas) or I just want to simply burn them in front of me. It seems like I get satisfaction in seeing all these stuff screaming out for help (like books laying on the floor, clothes needed to be given away, aircon needed to be uninstalled and even the trash!). To the point tha I get to think have I become a bad person?  Or perhaps I still feel 'what if' hindi naman ako matutuloy'! I do not know why I still entertain this thought? Why? Because shit happens all the time. Disruption is the name of the game. Crazy is the new normal, ika nga. Look at how coronavirus is disrupting everything. Our office CEO even cancelled two trips because of the situation. I may even just be stationed in Manila again because of this outbreak.

Either way, I still need to declutter. Gosh, why can't I just be like my other friends. They are so oc to cleaning mess. One time my bff Rhon cleaned my room because he could not take it anymore. Lol. 'Why are so OC in cleaning stuff while I can tolerate it somehow to live in dingy environment (by his own standards), kahit pareho naman tayo ng zodiac sign'? Yun na lang sinabi ko habang nagpupunas siya.

In other news, work has begun to pile up. My boss emailed my annual task list and targets. The initial feeling is excited but the second and the most dominant feeling is challenged. Napalunok na lang ako. One difference is that the office has introduced some new way of doing things. See, disruption is the new normal. For example, kailangan na daw may 'multistakeholder participation' element sa mga regional programs namin and we have to demonstrate a case for it for 2021 meeting. I like the concept to be fair but when you operationalize it across cross cultural lines, it's really hard. In my last meeting, puro ako 'let's pre-test this, let's pre-test that'. In hindsight, napaghahalatang non-commital tuloy.

Funny how we learn and unlearn. Told a good friend that I have had so much space in the last two years that sometimes I felt I wasted it. The situation afforded me a canvas big enough to paint .Waste in terms of putting some important things in my life in order. Like as simple as going to the gym. Like as consistent as going to a language class. Or writing things that really matter and publishing them. Or to try at least romantic dating. Or just finishing my master's degree. Or completing my freaking coffeetable project!? 'Isipin mo ang daming gusto ng posisyon mo ngayon', said my bff.

The last two years, I think were 'recharge' years, 'hibernating' years' -work then catch up with friends then catch up with family. Ganoon lang. I do not know, sometimes I feel 'guilty' for not being able to do 'small' things, able to exercise Intentionality. Too many times has been devoted to free flow. I think there is not much to dwell on it. Lost time is lost time. Again, we have our own flow. But here is looking forward to Intentionality. And I hope to nurture it this year. My birthday wish alongside health. I do and I am trying my best.