First Quarter Review 2019

It's the last saturday of March and end of first quarter 2019. Dumaan lang ang first three months of 2019. So fast. And I need a little retrospection on what transpired in the last three months. To give me a bit of perspective ahead.

1. Napagod ako this first quarter. Mentally /emotional tiring. Financially draining din. Birthday month ko ng February pero yung plano ko na magretreat sa Siquijor na move to an unknown date. I organized an event this March and I did at least 95% of the whole work. Naitawid ko naman pero sa totoo lang, it could get tiring. All of a sudden, nagpapatong na mga trabaho ko at mabilis akong madistract lately. Yung office mate ko sa Seoul kailangan pa namin mag skype para lang chumika about the workload and the stress the work is bringing. I am feeling the effects now.  Need to recharge and go elsewhere but my lazy mind tells me to stay put and just go out and have coffee and meet up your friends.

2. Family. Dami ding ganap lately sa family. Mga usaping inheritance, mga coordination, mga cousins na nagpaparamdam na  makikishare daw sa property. As if naman ang laki ng property! Mga bayarin na naka charge 50% sa akin.  Mga 'debate' sa chat group. Mahabang istorya. Napa pray na lang ako kay Papa and I asked him for some answers. I also learned some sad stories of him relative to his properties.  I must say that being the eldest takes crucial leadership by default. Ngayon ko lang na realize conservative pa rin ang set-up ng family namin. Pinapasa sa akin ang mga crucial decisions. I think I need to have a more proactive role na rin. Even when it means I have to pay up for more for these things. Sige lang. Feeling ko naman isa ito sa mga mission ko.

3. Still feeling the birthday 'blues'. Had an intense conversation with the my bff last night about this  'It's ok, I am beginning to accept that I am ok right here, right now' stuff. This need to affirm, this need to be heard, the need to accomplish more, the need to do more. All these unwanted 'needs', these preoccupations, that may turn out to be distractions, when being handled too much. These moments of self-doubts. My wayward passions and my 'di-ko-na alam-kung-anong-ipinaglalaban-kong' career.

Along the way you meet people who remind you of your youth, and they disrupt you. They remind you who you were and sometimes, it makes you feel 'what have I been doing all along'. It's not even comparison, it's deeper than that. It is not about a 'just-do-it' attitude. It is even deeper. When you're nearing 40's, it becomes clearer and at some point, you have to Decide. Decide that it is ok with what you have and work from there. Still keeping the Faith. Still trusting the process.

4.  And I still do Believe. I still Feel It. I still I have it. The Desire. The Will. I wish for more textures. The success and the failures, the completion and unfinished work. I still feel the rigor and vigor. Into this weaving. I still feel not only the spark but the flame. Not just the perseverance but the grit, I still feel it. Not just the push but the pull. The struggle, I still feel it and I love it. I still have the capacity to believe. And I think that's enough for now.