Jun 9, 2018

Being Enough

Inspired by this article, https://nosidebar.com/mediocre-life/ sent by bff Geng, who happens to be one of the many three people who knows my blog, haha. Here is my own version:

What if I do not live up to my own expectations, like what if I decide to just throw away my dream of being sociologist, and just be content as being an employee, rank and file? Not completing my long overdue graduate studies or perhaps enroll again and try and try, never mind I spend money, until I complete one? What if all this time of working out my career, there is nothing more to push for? What if I let it go and just rely on the faith and goodness of people who can help me get career breaks? Is this enough? 

What if I have a good boss whom I can stick to for the rest of my life? What if I cannot find one? Or is it just me who keeps on imposing these standards to myself? What exactly do I mean when I say good boss? What if I have a good boss?

What if I stop wondering, searching for bigger things, bigger possibilities? What If I can just be content but still work on the available resources and still commit to bigger things but just be realistic and grounded, nurturing, working with small community that I can say I truly belong? What if I can be more grateful? Is that enough?

What if I do not end up having a relationship and remain single? What if I will only have to rely on my good friends and my family when I grow old? What if I just stop searching, perhaps, just continue caring my self and end up being alone just be secure and content about it but I get to be rewarded by the excitement every day life brings, meeting new people coming into my life, and eventually surprisingly myself that I wouldn't end up alone at all?

What if I stop thinking all these what ifs? Does that mean I am not being honest to myself? Like what if I rely on good faith, stop, look and listen and take the plunge, just try my best, learn from mistakes, and stop fancying all these grandeur things about what can i become, but I still do balancing act, life in moderation, be in my present moment, confident, but be more embracing my limitations as well? What If I stop trying harder, being harder? Or what if I continue to struggle, and be happy with it because I am wired as such, I am oriented towards always desiring for something new and I feel happy when I feel it, but it sucks out all the energy in me? But after a little rest, I end up again ready for more? Is that enough?

The only answer I can provide is I do not know all the answers. Perhaps, I just need a little more kindness to myself.


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