Muni Muni of the Day

[Dateline Oct 8]

Same month and in the next few months, two years ago, I had been receiving updates of my would-be employment. Tatlong buwan din ang recruitment process. Two examinations and one Skype later, I found myself going to Seoul in Winter on January 2016.  How time flies! I was feeling brave to just go.

But somehow, realities would sink in day by day as I started working here. The winter was harsh. I had to learn the language. The homesickness I endured. Sa totoo lang, I never thought I could get homesick that much. Akala ko sanay na ako since hindi naman talaga ako palauwi sa Bicol before, sa Manila lang ako chumichika, pero iba pa rin, merong iba.

And then some people whom you expected but failed you along the way. Siguro dito ako pinakaapektuhan. For one instance, I was never really motivated by my work anymore. Leadership has played a factor. My boss was below expectations. Universal pala ang mga taong ganoon - Yung mga mabait pero pangit katrabaho.

It took a toll on me. I took it up close and personal. Kahit sabihin nilang you have to separate work from personal. Hello! Work is personal. How can it not be personal. You spend 8 hrs. of your freakin day and you say it is not personal. At yung trabaho naman namin hindi naman ito puwedeng i switch on/ off, problema ng mundo ang trinatrabahu namin.

Anyways, halos hindi ko naapreciate ang city kalaunan, ang Korea in general. Nawala yata ang wanderlust ko. haha. Halos naooverlook ko ang mga blessings ko. Marami akong naging mga tita friends and they opened their homes to me. Nagiging cynical na din yata ako. Ordeal sa akin na everyday it is going to be a day of futility. Ayokong dumating na isang araw I will ask to myself para saan ba tong ginagawa ko? Medyo scary kase yun to be fair. Kahit anong gawin kong pros and cons, bumabalik pa rin ako doon sa point na at this point in my life, ayoko ng mag compromise.

I promised myself not to make a big deal about it anymore since I decided to try to just finishing my contract and get a good options back home or in the region and may the Divine help me. One wish is sana magtugma ang skaydule!

As I look outside the cafe, the leaves are becoming pale and autumn is arriving soon. Full autumn colors na naman, one last hirit bago ang taglamig. Iba talaga si Mother Nature. Siya yata ang nakaimbento ng Last Hurrah. Kailangan may fireworks, may paandar. Kailangan niyang magwaldas ng kulay. One last paandar before the colorless winter. Mother Nature reminds me that do not worry, it will be alright.

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Stephani, my Indonesian colleague and I were having lunch and the talk got personal. With her Italian husband also working in Seoul, I asked her what will be their plans once she gets pregnant. Will they raise their child in South Korea? She said they are preparing to settle in a country liveable enough to raise a family. Maybe Switzerland, London - or if in Asia, Singapore, Bangkok, and Hongkong - or maybe not Hongkong, too crowded, she said. Japan? It would have to be the same as here. US is a bit far from me and Davide, she adds. Definitely not Korea, she said.

'And you? you are more free to go elsewhere.' I replied, either Manila or anywhere in the Philippines or Bangkok'. That is the farthest that I can think of, even 'I am more free to go elsewhere'. So much for the contradiction for myself. I do not know if I am shortchanging my indpendence, this sense of freedom, this flexibility. What is keeping me from doing it?

The bottom of it all is I need some sense of stability, and that has been my preoccupation for the past three to four years. Seoul is not helping. I never tried to look for one in the first place.  It has been always a compromise of some sort. I think I need to stop it. I can always lose focus, always wanting to move out of the loop. But always wanting to stay.