Jul 29, 2016

Ode to City

It has been five months after I arrived at your doorstep, you strange big world. You welcomed me with your winter spell.  It was white all around you, the trees bare, and smokes whirl at random, chimney, breaths, cars, dreams perhaps.

You taught me to be brave because there was no one around. I remember one night, a pain in my stomach made me awake all night. I called emergency but you spoke of a weird language. I waited till morning. In all its discomfort, I promised myself to you that I'd be good and would be content for life if the pain could go away. As if I hoped for any magic. It did not go away that night. I waited until morning. The promise still lingers because the pain did disappear. It was a stupid case of winter virus, the doctor said.

In some idle moments, You wonder how on earth did you get here as if you were just transported. It is not humility I guess. Remember, you Competed for this job and you emerged out from the many who desired to get your post. If there is one thing that you should feel is that you should take care of your job. Not only you deserve it but also you knew you fought a hard. So each day, I try myself to be relevant to myself and to my commitment to my job. That is the purpose why I am here, everything else comes secondary.

Reality sinks in.  In my first spring. My boss is below expectation. You suddenly realize you are entering a solitary battle. It was not new to you. You did it before. Many times, you were dreaming of a world to be a better place all by yourself. So before it is too late, change your perspective. It may be a lonely but whatever it's worth and measure, Be kind. 'Act in good faith', my boss told me - the  most sensible advice I have ever received so far in my stay here. 'Act in good faith' and you will never go wrong. Never go wrong in my work and in this city.

With faith, comes the doubt.  The cold concrete absorbs you. And you do not speak its language. You decided you can begin by living each day and marvel. But at night, doubt lingers.

With doubt comes the entitlement. At some point, you  begin to believe that some people owe you. That one person owes you a lot. But you knew it was not right. You begin to search angels in vain. Butlately you realized angels fly. You begin to search for  humans. Humans who can guide you. In random, you act in good faith as you find them one by one. Yes, you continue to find them. Suddenly every weekend, which is supposed to be rest day, is becoming full.

Uncertainty flows but what is certain is the city makes you feel its love, its skin. It reveals before you both the kind and the cold, the kind and the warmth, the transient and the things that stay with you. You can learn. You can unlearn. And everyday, you choose to live.

What have you done to me? I close my eyes. Sometimes, I wish its January 2018, the year my contract ends perhaps start all over again back home and I can't wait. Sometimes, the heart says No.  Start Now, Right Here.


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