How Has It Been?

1. It has been a while. Well, I lost track. The past months were both hard and easy. It is hard because the work calls for it.  It was easy because you can also get to strike work-life balance. With all the balancing act,  I miss being stubborn. Those moments when I do not give a damn. I do not know what does this mean exactly but it is more of a resolve that I will have to take it in stride under my own terms whatever things I do. I am doing it and it is a bliss. If I happen to think I am on a race track always wanting get ahead of myself, it can be tiring. It will be counter productive. And believe me, a waste of time.  I do not believe in getting ahead anyway. I believe in Growth. Why I am pondering about this, about myself in a race track, about some sort of me running in a marathon? Have I been left behind? Am I meeting deadlines? Where have I been? I am here. Just the everyday life pondering. Maybe deadlines coming from my to-do list - like this blog post, which I had promised to always update. It can be a source of both frustration and inspiration knowing you are way past deadline or you can even find out after successfully doing it, you are confronted with a 'So What?' existential inquiry as if everything is all together mundane. Yet, for some strange reason, I feel quite Zen on all of these. About letting go but not exactly. Enjoying the process. Slow but Certain. Progressive and Meaningful.

2. I believe in the Universe. I believe in the Universe telling me to stay and sail away. The Universe telling me I have never been late when everyone else is just early. I believe in its great laws and the Divine lawmaker and his Universe of Divine goodness. The second next best thing however in believing is doing. Ask and the Universe shall give it to you. If not, it will give it to you in other forms. Ask, ask, and ask and Do it. It is impossible you cannot get there. If not, the Universe will get you there before you know it. Patience and Persistence are best friends forever.

My friend Madz and I talked about how we marvel the Universe. Sometimes, it can be frustrating, I said. The Universe can be most frustrating, she added, especially when we are not most open to it. The Universe can only work in our openness to it. It does not mean that we are to be accepting as to be submitting whatever falls upon you. But to be open is to understand the limits of our learning process to be human. Create a space where the Universe can play. Give the Universe a shared role in the build up of your own life project. One can marvel the outcome or blessing. You do not owe to any Universe the kind of great indebtedness like building some religion. For whatever blessings, you may probably just need to pay it forward.

3. In the meantime, with all this Universe and taking it in stride talk, my preoccupation has been extensive. At home, like a doting big sister to our youngest sister expecting her first baby. Family coordination can be tasking but I have already outgrown it. I pray that she will safely deliver baby boy Lyme and Lyme is as healthy and normal as he can be. I am enjoying the prospect of becoming a bitch but lovable and stage Auntie. On other aspects, I am finishing my thesis. The thesis work can be frustrating and inspiring at the same time. Literally, you will be left on your own. Again, I have outgrown it. More than the thesis, my extra curriculars or whatever things in my to-do list are advancing in most ways. Like finishing off debts. Like doing  a 'Procastination Diet.' Like somehow getting enough sleep. And yes, I have yet to improve my fitness, my bones have been cracking up lately.

Expectations

Dear Svelte,

I wanted to tell you how hard it is to write to you these days. Work in the office drains my mental energy and it becomes bliss when I get home and practically do nothing or do some things that will not require much thought. Writing remains to be a mental exercise, right? These past days have been calm and cooling despite the summer's sun. I had some time in Bali with some of the beautiful people I have known. It was light, refreshing, and enjoyable vacation and Bali is a nice place to explore. Though I have yet to explore it more given our time's constraint. 

As soon as the first office week after the vacation came, meetings had been non-stop. You also need to rest after your vacation, right? Take time to recollect some thoughts. I had spent a good amount of time thinking about myself in Bali. I have yet to sort them out somehow but with all the work stuff that is piling up, it may take time again. But I am glad that I got the chance. It is a soulful trip.  

And so this week has been that kind of 'recharging'. So, most weekday nights were spent on just practically doing nothing even as some of my important to-do lists have been long overdue. 

For some strange reason, 2014 has been fast enough that it concerns me. Before I know it, it is already May next week and we are approaching mid-year! Must I panic just because I have yet to make great progress of this year's goals. Nah. I would rather look the glass half-filled. Take it a step at a time and focus and enjoy. Because that is the only way to achieve one's goals. But I have to recognize that I must also step-up. Yeah, I need to do it fast for the rest of the year. And so the next few months, I may be sprinting for the finish. 

Svelte, I have been meaning to tell you. What is it like to feel it? Words do not tell and imagination has deprived me. I have lost that feeling. I can pray to the Universe and I can do something about it at the same time. There is no broken piece. I am not afraid. I believe I am capable. In most unusual summer night and you think about it, they are like fireflies. You hope a firefly can land on your palm and you also hope the night does not end. That is a one good description, though.

No response needed.

Love,

Svelter.

Texture

Connect the dots. Make them appear as you wish. Rabbits and carrots. Mountain and starfish. 

Silver stellars. Refining.

I lost you in this terrain. You remain uncharted. 

Difference

Looking at my student record, it pains me to know this long road has not reached its destination. I feel disappointed. The longer I stay in this track, the bigger this doubt is becoming. I hate doubt. It is counterproductive. It breaks the Spirit, sometimes. This thing has taken long enough and I feel like I am this ship captain and I am seeing this port but it is low tide and I have to wait because I do not want to swim or I do not want to use the small boat because as a captain, I need this ship to be docked in that port, no more, no less. Fascinating and disappointing at the same time.

What do I do? I have to face the music. It has always been a choice, said a friend. We live in this 'Choice' world as if we do not have a choice. There is nothing I can do but to continue forward. I worry I have grown uninspired and I hate sometimes this feeling. Befriend the monster, whoever and whatever monster it is, said another friend. It will help you get by. Talk to them and make good resolve that you will finish it. I do not want to 'blame' you in its truest sense but you have a share of that blame, said another true friend. I need space, focus, a space to focus. 'Tapusin mo na yan,' the practical friend says. It all boils down to that, practically. My mother supports it. And I am practical about it. 'So what's keeping you from doing it?', said my adviser in her coldest tone. 'Work'?, I said in an open ended manner. 'Me'? I would also have wanted to say 'You?'

Few weeks before the last semester ended, I broke down while writing our last assignment piece. Due to a trivial lapse, I began to feel irritated. Suddenly, it had me left wondering, why I am still doing this? when will this end? Why can't I just finish this soon? And so my focus went down the drain along with my paper. Half-hearted I submitted my last requirement, my adviser, the ever wise, would have also known it, and so is my remark. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact that I submitted a half-baked piece knowing that most saturdays before deadline I devoted so much time for it. I did not enjoy the process and time management did not do me good even.

'Sometimes, you just have to stay away from it for a while?', my fellow ponders. 'And what If I come back then I would be starting all over again?', I replied. 'Small steps will do', he positively remarks, 'for how long?', I, the objectivist, making some contrast. 'Whenever you are ready' said this zen professor. I have been preparing for it for some time now. Preparation has taken a long time. Tales of 'Not in my Priority List' abound and a big number of my friends are joining in this list. Well, I can include myself. You have to stop saying 'half-hearted saga and make a turnaround and make it a 'whole hearted saga' said my paandar self. Perhaps, there lies the difference. You will finish it sooner than you may probably think of. I have a point.

In the meantime, while waiting for my best gal's message if we can see each other to hear me rant about it, I will probably let off some steam. I suddenly think about my topic. I can sit by the river and reflect later.

On Writing Again.

I remember college, walking past the University hospital, on my way to an afternoon class, I felt a sort of an 'epiphany'. I cannot recall the details. The memory of mood is clear. I was praying to the Divine. My mind and heart were in unison. My pathways blurred. Faces nonchalant. I was actually praying if he could make me not be a best writer but become a really good one. I asked him if he could help me to become a good communicator. I asked him if he could just let me write crystal clear. The clearest of words in the sunlight. It may be difficult since I always associate writing as a crusade. It is not going to be a magic carpet ride for me but a struggle. A struggle to find words and meanings at the same time. A struggle to find a needle in the haystack. At one time, I feared. But the fear keeps me alive and I have liked it. The moment you struggle to look for words (of course, there's always the thesaurus) or start a sentence and there is a deadline coming, it is kind of orgasmic. That was how I begun to like writing. Now, I am thankful because my job entails a kind of writing. - whether it'd be technical or journalistic. Of course, there are those far ahead of me. I take inspiration from them nonetheless. I cannot compare much. Someday, I will be there in the inner circle. Whatever that inner circle means.