Looking at my student record, it pains me to know this long road has not reached its destination. I feel disappointed. The longer I stay in this track, the bigger this doubt is becoming. I hate doubt. It is counterproductive. It breaks the Spirit, sometimes. This thing has taken long enough and I feel like I am this ship captain and I am seeing this port but it is low tide and I have to wait because I do not want to swim or I do not want to use the small boat because as a captain, I need this ship to be docked in that port, no more, no less. Fascinating and disappointing at the same time.
What do I do? I have to face the music. It has always been a choice, said a friend. We live in this 'Choice' world as if we do not have a choice. There is nothing I can do but to continue forward. I worry I have grown uninspired and I hate sometimes this feeling. Befriend the monster, whoever and whatever monster it is, said another friend. It will help you get by. Talk to them and make good resolve that you will finish it. I do not want to 'blame' you in its truest sense but you have a share of that blame, said another true friend. I need space, focus, a space to focus. 'Tapusin mo na yan,' the practical friend says. It all boils down to that, practically. My mother supports it. And I am practical about it. 'So what's keeping you from doing it?', said my adviser in her coldest tone. 'Work'?, I said in an open ended manner. 'Me'? I would also have wanted to say 'You?'
Few weeks before the last semester ended, I broke down while writing our last assignment piece. Due to a trivial lapse, I began to feel irritated. Suddenly, it had me left wondering, why I am still doing this? when will this end? Why can't I just finish this soon? And so my focus went down the drain along with my paper. Half-hearted I submitted my last requirement, my adviser, the ever wise, would have also known it, and so is my remark. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact that I submitted a half-baked piece knowing that most saturdays before deadline I devoted so much time for it. I did not enjoy the process and time management did not do me good even.
'Sometimes, you just have to stay away from it for a while?', my fellow ponders. 'And what If I come back then I would be starting all over again?', I replied. 'Small steps will do', he positively remarks, 'for how long?', I, the objectivist, making some contrast. 'Whenever you are ready' said this zen professor. I have been preparing for it for some time now. Preparation has taken a long time. Tales of 'Not in my Priority List' abound and a big number of my friends are joining in this list. Well, I can include myself. You have to stop saying 'half-hearted saga and make a turnaround and make it a 'whole hearted saga' said my paandar self. Perhaps, there lies the difference. You will finish it sooner than you may probably think of. I have a point.
In the meantime, while waiting for my best gal's message if we can see each other to hear me rant about it, I will probably let off some steam. I suddenly think about my topic. I can sit by the river and reflect later.