Up Close and Personal 2019

When asked how do I rate 2019? At the onset, I said seven (7), probably within the range of 80-85. Not bad, right? But it implies that there are some big rooms for improvement. For one, I have never felt so adult this year. There were too many things to handle. So what best/ worst describes me in 2019? Let me tell myself.

1. ATM (automated teller machine). Big time, especially in the first seven months when there was just too much dispensing money that I sometimes think 'ito na ba talaga purpose ko sa mundo'. My personal finances have been depleting at a faster rate and unfortunately, my current income cannot keep up. Most of them have been on family obligations that I am expected to 'fill the gap'. Hindi naman regular ang request/s pero kadalasan one time big time naman ang mga peg.

For example, my cousin asked us for some donation for his baby who is the ICU. Then my mom told me to give, which I obliged. Then my mom said 'utangin daw muna yung sa kanya'. Then my brother said, 'utangin din daw muna sa kanya'. When I proposed the first amount, it said it was too little. Make it 20K, said my mom. So I obliged. In a week's time, I had to deposit it since it's urgent. 'Asa ka pa, Kuya, lista na yan sa tubig', my sister told me. Well true enough until now I have not heard from them of some effort to repay me. Multiply this situaton with more or less similar context three times this year.

One needs to say No but I cannot help it. One time I called my friend almost teary eyed and in an uber rant mode,  I told him how sometimes it can be so unfair to me. It does not mean that if I am away from my family, I enjoy the 'luxury' and with their only 'occassional' demands, it does not mean that I can always give in on the spot. I do not have a stable income and with all these requests, I better change my set up.

2. STILL, LONE RANGER. With no colleagues near in sight, with super busy city colleagues despite the countless times of request for meetings and catch up, I have still remained a lone ranger in Manila. There were countless skype meetings from Seoul but the quality of discussions were still not at par.

At the end of the day, I am left alone.  Yes, I need to talk about my work and my post-work. I need to discuss it with my colleagues, not necessary the details but the conceptual side of everything we do. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am high maintenance in that category.

I have been given this wide open space and yet I am still shocked after two years. Still cannot get the hang of it. It may take a while but my emotional and mental state are taking toll. I get to experience morning anxieties often because of simple reason that I do not know where to work and definitely work from home, alone, has not been a first option knowing your bed is luring you all the time. 

As I observe, I have also been emotional relative to work and personal life at the same time- I feel I am missing out this sense of 'belongingness'. Kailangan ko lang talaga ng kasama, yung physical presence, yung alam mo nandiyan siya at nagtratrabaho din siya kahit hindi kayo masyadong magusap. I know there are many ways. But again, I have not gotten the groove.

3. A SERIES OF QUESTIONS. Am I still living for this? What will it take me to do the things that I really care about? These never ending confrontations that you say to yourself. I do not know if this is too much overthinking or reflection. It makes me wonder why until now I still get these same thoughts all over again.

I would have wanted to be in the flow of things and deep dive for some time and somehow make it easy for me but there there are too many distractions. I cannot focus. I really cannot focus anymore these days. I cannot even afford to finish a book. I tend to get the habit to wander. I cannot daydream all the time. Other than work, my mind cannot think of anything else.

4. NEED FOR SELF-CARE . I told a good friend that in the next three-five years, I will improve on my well-being. Not the usual visit-to-spa kind of well being (though it helps) pero more on self-care with focus on  the mental and physical. Nakailang ulit na ako nito. But the spirit persists and probably why it persists is because I have not really done anything substantial about them. I need to further consolidate what I have. Probably put it in a photo album of some sort, and doing some reflections on the past decade/s.

Perhaps this is what most people need, to take time in retrospect- again not the 'senior retirement' kind- but look at the past and decide as you move forward. Alanis Morrisette said in her Oprah podcast that it can be self-healing. Minsan napapaisip ako, I think I am becoming uptight. Parang it is so easy for me to problematize things for all the unwarranted reasons. Does it come with age, with hormones, with all the deep-rooted insecurities already beginning to come out. Bago pa man sana ako maging 'grumpy single lady', maagapan ko man lang.

5.  INCOMPLETENESS AND EXCUSES. I enrolled and was selected in a global online course but I did not finish it. I enrolled in  a yoga class and in a gym but only visited less than ten. I used to have a repeat 'raket' but I threw away the chance by missing the deadine. I promised to complete a bead work but it was all stalled. I got accepted to being a writer contributor in a global urban website but I had to beg. I cannot continue with this list. Whenever I remark to my friends, 'how Stella got her groove back', it's actually me that I am referring to. How will I deal with this lonely habit? I remember what my tarot reader said, 'you get bored and emotionally stagnated'

I will try again. Next year, I try to limit  my commitments to my self but I should finish and celebrate it. I blame social media and mobile legend as my biggest distractions haha though but I will only have to blame myself.

6. SEEKING AFFIRMATION FROM THE WRONG SETS OF PEOPLE. I guessed I expected too much from some people who would eventually hear me out professionally and work toward some professional goals but I got frustrated eventually. If there is anything good in this is that I have defined my limitations. At some point, I know I deserve to be heard professionally. But some do not really share the same vision as I have. I do not dwell really too much on this but had I been not alone in Manila, it would not have been an issue.

So that's my 2019. There are good things- it's actually a good year of friendship. I get to bond with my close friends on a regular basis, even for new ones. A good year for family bonding since I am able to visit my hometown as much as I like but of course my ATM peg is there. It's a good year for work, many things changed in the middle of this year but ended on a high note. A new change is again anticipating for me so I expect 2020 as my 'coming to Seoul' or 'getting an altogether new job' year. I try not to sensationalize about it though. But here comes the stress of packing stuff.