Feb 27, 2018

Dear Me

Dear Me.

Barely a month after akong nakauwi from my overseas work, feeling ko all of a sudden ang dami kong time. I mean nawala yung routine ko at na didisrupt ang 'life systems' ko. Char. At medyo nabobore ako kahit alam kong puwede naman akong maging productive. At feeling ko naman productive din naman ko pero iba pa rin. 

I know this is what they call transition or adjustment. And I feel the fatigue. I feel the uncertainty it brings. To be fair, hindi naman ako nawala ng matagal and believe me, hindi naman ako nawala as in hindi nagpakita. Just imagine siguro yung iba na nawala ng matagal talaga tapos bumalik and what do they do and how do they feel when they begin again. 

Anyhow I am still adjusting to this new lifestyle. I find it flexible and you feel empowered kase you have all the time at your disposal. There is a promise to this. Siyempre you get tired, physically and mentally and you feel like a lone ranger. Ewan. Carry naman. Enjoy while supply lasts ika nga.

Dear Me. 

37 na ako two days ago. My gahd. Medyo nawala sa feels ko ang magmoment. I miss the days na I wish I could be more ethusiastic when celebrating life's milestones. I'd rather retreat to a nice beach, zen feels and waves, with pinacolada (char) and perhaps talk to nice random strangers. 

But I am genuinely feeling fine. That is the better part. Never been more resolved. Well for one I'd wish this year Universe would be a bit more generous. 

Feb 8, 2018

Honest to Goodness part 2

And so I arrived in my home city Manila after two years in Seoul. I could never have felt more at peace with myself. Gratitude as always.

Transition has started since that last Friday midnight. Everyday has been here and there -from catching up with friends, scheduling to catch up with my friends and family, updating my public records, to looking out an apartment. It can feel a bit tiring but I cannot complain.

Plus I get to start to work. I am still keeping my job only on a more local level. But this time I take the pleasure of not seeing my boss loitering somewhere and how demotivating she can become - and not to mention I can now spare myself from reminding how unfortunate I can be in my Seoul desk.  Disappointment has run through my veins and I could not bear it any longer if I still would stay there. So, this is the best set-up for now - away from her but credit goes to her, she worked hard to retain me, defended my new post before her boss. One of those rare moments where I felt she was working as a boss. 

I remember how I prayed hard for this last year. Even slipping a new note under Saint Joseph's pillow. I asked the Divine if he could give me a shot in this new set up and I promise to make it work. What was the context when I said 'to make it work'? To strive to really Live and continue my mission, my passion, to begin again and to complete all my unfinished businesses. I promised to him that I will make each time, a worthwhile time with my family, friends, colleagues, to my career, to just everything up close and personal.

I felt I overpromised. But I think if you were desperate enough bordering self pity and depression scare because of your situation, you could even promise the moon and the stars.

So when I learned that I would have to just continue my work from home country, I am suddenly reminded by that moment.

One of my all time favorite films is The End of the Affair written by Graham Greene. Sarah (played by an all time fave Julianne Moore) is having an affair with Maurice  (played by Ralph Fiennes). In one of their lovers' rendezvous (Sarah is married to Henry), their room was bombed by a German flying bomb (the film was set in World War II London). They were hurt. 

When they regain their consciousness, Maurice found Sarah beside the bed fervently praying. When Sarah saw Maurice was alive, she was not happy but she felt a bit resigned and all of a sudden bidding goodbye. She said one of the most beautiful lines, 'Love does not end just because we do not see each other.'

This perplexed Maurice and he was so curious that the story of the film was all throughout finding why Sarah did that to him plus the fact that he was hired by Henry to know if Sarah is having an affair. The movie is presented in flashbacks.

At the later part of the film, Sarah confessed to Maurice that she promised to God that if he would be alive, she would leave him. Plain and simple. But Sarah could not overcome her feelings for Maurice so she broke her promise.

At still the later part of the film, we know Sarah had terminal illness and eventually she died. At the end, Maurice was expressing how he hated God for how he could become so angry when one broke a promise to him.

Relating it to my context, I do not want to be like Sarah. haha.  I cannot break a promise with him. There is no reason for me not to do what is best to be done. Because I made a promise to him, I would like to think, he has given me a second chance to make it work for me. 

Of course it’s not like I am about to go on a full combat. If I can add a little more sense, excitement, and a little more purposeful in what I do, perhaps that makes a little more fulfilling. So I look forward to that.

Powered by Blogger.

Search This Blog