Muni Munis of the Day (Friday-Sunday)

Friday

1. Relaxing Friday night with Sade Greatest Hits. Lakas lang maka Smooth Operator. This at-the-moment feels is bliss. Just stillness. Not to mention with Korean mask for some rejuvenation.

Probably after writing this entry, I will try to catch up some reading. I am conserving energy though. I have a ten-day out of office mission in Colombo for the big event. The office has been been preparing for this for months with me having an equal share of the work burden. Finally, it is happening. This must be tiring for sure during the conference. But I do not know, my dominant feeling is excitement. It should be fun, sabi ko nga sa mga colleagues ko. After this event, I can now focus my energy on my 'relocation'. 

2. Weeks after I 'unofficially' tendered my resignation to my boss (officially means in writing), reality is setting in. What Reality? Well for one, I know I am not ready for this. I think no one is ever ready. I need to hastily prepare my financial contingency. And I do not yet have a job waiting back home. My good friend Emy told me I have to condition myself for my eventual unemployment phase because I will get bored. At baka hanapin ng katawang lupa ko ang 8-5 pm routine. So I have been preoccupied writing my 'Pantawid' Plan lol. For one, it can be exciting but jittery as well. It is like I am developing this sort of program for myself, taking account the risks and limitations. 

3. Despite the occasional jitters, I have never felt at peace with myself. There is this core that is solid and relaxed. I must say I am recovering my mental and emotional state of being. And yes, I have been reporting to office feeling like a feather. I express myself well in the office. Nagiging totoo ako. Ganoon pala ang nangyayari kapag totoo ka sa sarili mo, kung alam mo yung gusto mo at malinaw kung ano ang gusto mo. I get to be more productive, tiring yet productive. Umuuwi ako na magaan ang loob ko. Will this change my mind? Sometimes, I remind myself, 'Hello, you are leaving na, limit your commitment.' And yes, I do not really expect from my officemates. Believe me, they can be impersonal. 

So will it change my mind? No. When I think the reasons why I am leaving - my boss, being uprooted from home, not learning at all. I can not be in this situation again - when you know you can compromise a lot in the long run. And yes, all the more that I am ever convinced that I won't change my mind.

Saturday

1. It feels good when you get lost sometimes. Earlier, I went for a late afternoon to early evening walk around Hongdae - Sangsu area. The weather was giving me the cool and calm to just blend in the setting. Lakas lang makabagets ang Hongdae. It felt good to get lost in the crowd. I could not help but remember my younger days though. How could have I not maintained such youthful energy when I had so much back then. I mean I was not referring to an energy of a 'party girl' pero nakakamiss din yung innocence and persistence of being young. When you felt there was so much in your hands and it felt like you were ready for the world.

Well, I must say, it did not turn out that way - unless your parents are millionaires or you live in a first world country where the government can even pay for you to achieve your dreams! Pero hindi din siguro.

Of course, nasa Tita sphere na ako and I subscribe to a different view. I lost a considerable degree of innocence, expended a great deal of energy, could not claim it anymore and I gave up on some things. I am working within my limits but every once in a while I try to explore. I thought I was ready for the world and but I realized no one is really ever ready for whatever world that is. You just take the freakin' plunge.

Sunday

1. Went to the office for a rush work. Still in relation to our big event. But as soon as I tried opening the file, it won't open. All files in the program server could not be opened. Crap. Just when you thought you were at the moment to do it then by some unknown force, it would water you down. I could not complain more other than I went to the nearest cafe and tried working on some documents, albeit half-baked. But that was it. At the least. 

The weather was rather chilling today, because it was also quite windy. Hindi na naman ako nainform. The jacket did not help. Everytime this happens, I usually rush to the nearest indoor I can find. There was a big lovely fair down our office street but I let it pass. After I finish working in the cafe, I found myself rushing to the subway. Ang laki ng problema ko. Char. I brace myself for winter again. It is usually winter that I am quite susceptible to things affecting my health - like food poison, stomach ache, excessive dryness of skin and not to mention, sentimental mood swings. 

Anyhow, snow is always enchanting naman but I need to prep up again. 

Muni Muni of the Day

[Dateline Oct 8]

Same month and in the next few months, two years ago, I had been receiving updates of my would-be employment. Tatlong buwan din ang recruitment process. Two examinations and one Skype later, I found myself going to Seoul in Winter on January 2016.  How time flies! I was feeling brave to just go.

But somehow, realities would sink in day by day as I started working here. The winter was harsh. I had to learn the language. The homesickness I endured. Sa totoo lang, I never thought I could get homesick that much. Akala ko sanay na ako since hindi naman talaga ako palauwi sa Bicol before, sa Manila lang ako chumichika, pero iba pa rin, merong iba.

And then some people whom you expected but failed you along the way. Siguro dito ako pinakaapektuhan. For one instance, I was never really motivated by my work anymore. Leadership has played a factor. My boss was below expectations. Universal pala ang mga taong ganoon - Yung mga mabait pero pangit katrabaho.

It took a toll on me. I took it up close and personal. Kahit sabihin nilang you have to separate work from personal. Hello! Work is personal. How can it not be personal. You spend 8 hrs. of your freakin day and you say it is not personal. At yung trabaho naman namin hindi naman ito puwedeng i switch on/ off, problema ng mundo ang trinatrabahu namin.

Anyways, halos hindi ko naapreciate ang city kalaunan, ang Korea in general. Nawala yata ang wanderlust ko. haha. Halos naooverlook ko ang mga blessings ko. Marami akong naging mga tita friends and they opened their homes to me. Nagiging cynical na din yata ako. Ordeal sa akin na everyday it is going to be a day of futility. Ayokong dumating na isang araw I will ask to myself para saan ba tong ginagawa ko? Medyo scary kase yun to be fair. Kahit anong gawin kong pros and cons, bumabalik pa rin ako doon sa point na at this point in my life, ayoko ng mag compromise.

I promised myself not to make a big deal about it anymore since I decided to try to just finishing my contract and get a good options back home or in the region and may the Divine help me. One wish is sana magtugma ang skaydule!

As I look outside the cafe, the leaves are becoming pale and autumn is arriving soon. Full autumn colors na naman, one last hirit bago ang taglamig. Iba talaga si Mother Nature. Siya yata ang nakaimbento ng Last Hurrah. Kailangan may fireworks, may paandar. Kailangan niyang magwaldas ng kulay. One last paandar before the colorless winter. Mother Nature reminds me that do not worry, it will be alright.

#

Stephani, my Indonesian colleague and I were having lunch and the talk got personal. With her Italian husband also working in Seoul, I asked her what will be their plans once she gets pregnant. Will they raise their child in South Korea? She said they are preparing to settle in a country liveable enough to raise a family. Maybe Switzerland, London - or if in Asia, Singapore, Bangkok, and Hongkong - or maybe not Hongkong, too crowded, she said. Japan? It would have to be the same as here. US is a bit far from me and Davide, she adds. Definitely not Korea, she said.

'And you? you are more free to go elsewhere.' I replied, either Manila or anywhere in the Philippines or Bangkok'. That is the farthest that I can think of, even 'I am more free to go elsewhere'. So much for the contradiction for myself. I do not know if I am shortchanging my indpendence, this sense of freedom, this flexibility. What is keeping me from doing it?

The bottom of it all is I need some sense of stability, and that has been my preoccupation for the past three to four years. Seoul is not helping. I never tried to look for one in the first place.  It has been always a compromise of some sort. I think I need to stop it. I can always lose focus, always wanting to move out of the loop. But always wanting to stay.