Some 2024 YearEnder Feels.

Hindi pa tapos ang taon pero gusto ko na magsara ng tindahan. Besides, wala naman tayong standard na sinusunod. I will be meeting a friend later na malapit sa office, so andito tayo sa office on a weekend, all by myself. Gusto ko magorganize ng mga documents, magshred ng mga papel, at magmoment lang sa desk ko amid the silence.

 So how has it been 2024 for me? Siyempre madaming feels. Isa isahin natin.

No. 1. It is the year na feel ko na bumagsak talaga ang katawan ko. Nag age ang aking katawang lupa. Nagka hypertension. May maintenance na. Ubo ng ubo. Mabilis ang mood swings. Feeling ko ang bagal ko ng kumilos. Mas lumabo ang mata. Dumami ang wrinkles. And in summary, tumanda talaga ako, sa isip, diwa at sa gawa eme. 

Menopause na ba ito? (Andropause mih eme). So here we are nagpapakahealthy. Move and jog and yoga as much as I can. Kape once a day na lang or none at all. Ubusin muna natin yung mga kahon na mga tsaa na binigay sa atin na ayoko naman itapon na lang. And equally important, also my emotional and menal states, I feel the ‘lie low’. Mas gusto ko na sa bahay muna ako as much as possible at least one full day on a weekend. Ok na sa akin ang walking around the neighborhood or yung mga 15 minutes away from  my residence lang ang drama kung gusto kong lumabas. 

No. 2. Emotions had taken me over, sabi nga ni Bee Gees and ni manay Beyonce. Mabilis tayong mainis at naging impatient sa mga bagay bagay. And yes, nagsusungit  minsan especially when I am alone na may mga moments na, ‘Ganito na ba talaga ito?’. Do not get me wrong, it was not directed to any person. But more on a generalized conditions. There is the impatience, chronic pagkayamot, or just plain uninterested. It makes me sad. Why? Because hindi ko mafigure out. This year, umiyak tayo sa boss natin ng dahil sa allowance. Sabi ng boss ko na may malaking dahilan bakit ako umiyak at yan ay pagod sa trabaho at hindi sa allowance. Pag binalikan ko tuloy, nagmukha tayong irrational, and yes, napagod tayo sa trabaho on a deeper level and to think second quarter pa lang yun. I actually think of going back to counseling again this winter to keep me at bay. 

No. 3. Lumabnaw ang social circles. Naging busy ang mga tao. Kanya kanyang priorities muna. Here, mga tita friends ko, instead of magkape at mag lunch out altogether on a routine basis, sari sarili munang schedule. Yung pinaka leader ate atehan namin, nagtayo na ng tindahan kaya hindi na siya mahatak anytime. On the other hand, something to look forward to kase tambayan kahit medyo effort pag punta. Narealize ko kailangan na natin iactivate ang pagiging Miss Friendship natin besides natural naman tayong Miss Friendship. In a genuine way ha yung hindi naman pilit. Yes, I felt alone and got bored. 

No. 4. Money. Medyo hindi natin na manage ang budget. Wala naman tayong loan for this year. Hindi naman tayo negative. But more on the spend as it tayo for today’s vidyow. Nothing wrong with that and empowering naman siya. I just feel like would have been better if I have a little bit more money at nagagamit ko talaga mga purchases ko ng maayos. Minsan kase tapon lang or matagal bago gamitin. Yung social security natin isang taon ng walang hulog. 

Sabi ko naachieve ko na yata ang materiality level ko sa lagay na ito. I may not have my own home. I won’t have a car. I will just inherit my family’s properties. I do not even have a watch. And it’s fine! haha. So, Lord, ibigay mo na lang sa akin ang comfortable and fulfilling life at iupgrade natin ito step by step with a little bit more money on board. 

No. 5. Most of the time I am just busy doing Life and that’s how it is. I need to consolidate, to work and use what’s available around me and celebrate. This year, I have lost focus on bigger things. And it’s been flat. Much as it is fine and ‘routine’ pero need naman natin mag look forward at iwork out and mag take risks on some of the things we hold dear. Yung mga pangmalakasang life projects natin, concept pa rin. Yes, I realize that we think we have time pero actually we have less time. Ang bilis bilis na ng oras for me. Maglinis lang ng banyo, inaabot na ako ng siyam siyam. 

No. 6. In 2024, namiss ko yung pagka bakla in the most meaningful way possible, yung konting paandar. Eh natural naman tayong taglay na magpaandar haha. I think it will be a little less boring and more exciting for me if i can add a little more flair to my Bridget Jones' Life. So, here’s to again to the flair, perseverance and zest hereon and beyond because I feel that’s the way it is.  

When lost, there is the evergreen pep talk with Caroline Myss

'Choices are powerful. And that's the reason why we're stuck, we're terrified of its consequences, we're terrified because we're going to be held accountable' and that is why we cannot choose. So here are the choices that can change my Life. 

1. A decision to make an integrous life. I am going to live with integrity. Integrity means not just honest to others but honest to oneself. Not going to betray myself. Not going to put myself in a circumstance where I put people to please me. Liars do not heal.  People who blame others do not heal. Being a good person is not enough. Life is a major deal. You have to get the Life Act together. 

2. A decision to pass my wisdom and not suffering. Life is never fair, and that is how the great spiritual traditions have long confirmed! Healing is never about forgetting. Turn the process of healing into source of wisdom and not woe. Wisdom or woe? 

3. A decision to take risk. One will always have a regret stage anyway. How many of our greatest fears have actually happened? How many of our most wonderful things has happened? Do not take the safe path. Do not look back for guidance. Do not look for over to chart New. Be in the Newness. 

4. A decision to choose new words. If you really have to yank a word or two, what would those words be, words that you would not utter yourself again. Words are powerful and they influence energy within and around you.  For me, 'Hate, Blame, Should'. It is not easy but I make progress. 

5. A decision to get up every day and to bless your day. Not based on what you have or what you feel but because you are. Just as you are. Today will never come the same exact way again. Be in the Present Moment and Be thankful just as you are. 

What I Miss

Early Friday morning. Taking a day off to take a slow day. Magtratrabaho lang din naman ng konti kalaunan. Magblog na lang nga muna. 

I miss the hard work. I miss the self-discipline. It has been a while. Ano ba itong pinagagawa ko? Of late, I cannot help but think that I need some break. A prolonged break. And I say I won't be able to afford it. And I say I do not know what to do with it. There is this sense of blank wall and it is becoming futile. It is almost like I am running out of options. Bored or just plain recovering since I just got a week from a mission. 

I miss myself. Yung konting pa deep na missing myself level. I miss doing what I like to do, love to do, passionate to do. I cannot even complete watching a Netflix movie. I must admit that it can sometimes be hard to looking forward to the day. In denial pa rin ako na well, if you're adult, you're still very much responsible for yourself especially if no one is around you.

I miss my productive self. Nagrereklamo palagi na after work ay pagod na tayo at wala na tayong energy to venture for more, mapasaang bagay. Most of the time, pagdating sa bahay, nakabuyangyang na lang tayo. Deserve naman natin ang some slack. I miss the zest. Or is this plain denial na busy lang talaga ako and I do not manage my time well. 

I miss the focus. Daming distractions lately. Mostly from social media, doom scrolling. Just this week, may dalawa akong na overlap na schedules na meeting. Naitawid naman. Dami lang detalye minsan sa opisina kahit maliit na bagay minsan tumatakaw ng oras. Alam naman natin na di masisiksik ang lahat ng bagay sa isang araw. Alam naman natin ang iba't ibang time management tools. Kaya heto I am practicing time blocking. Baka mag improve naman sana ang focus ko. 

I miss my friends. Just really 'exhaling' with them over a coffee, dinner, or some vacation. I miss meeting new ones. Miss Friendship naman tayo.

And I miss my Gayness, my pagkabakla! Hindi na tayo nakakalandi. Hindi na tayo makabili ng floral shirts, puro na lang itim or plain color. Hindi na tayo makafacial or maka gym. I really do miss my gayness. Ang bakla kong tao pero wala man lang akong flower vase sa room ko. Patingin tingin lang ako sa Daiso. I am becoming boring but I am not a boring person. I just miss what it feels like to be beautiful inside and out. 

What this boils down to: Sige lang, push lang. Pasasaan din yan. Paulit ulit na pagpersevere hanggang sa mareach natin ang mga hanash natin sa buhay. Then push ulit. Landiin natin ang buhay. Hindi naman ibig sabihin for sex. Essentially, it is the art and joy of living. Konting arte lang din. Na miss ko na ang pagiging Maarte! Baka makatulong. Gusto lang naman natin na mag thrive. Gusto lang naman natin maging at peace with myself. 

Muni Muni Mid Year

 1. I was out of country for a month for a long mission. Most of my mission was in my Home. Little did I know it could be one of the most stressful, more than the physical, but on an emotional and mental level. Ang tagal ko ng ginagawa ito at confident na dapat ako sa mga ganitong aspeto. Wala naman palya sa mga naging lakad namin. But I think I snapped, or triggered. Or I let my emotions taking me over. 

2. One trigger was money. I was running low on my budget and the office did not give us an allowance (I share some fault). I did not prepare for it. Nasira pa mga credit cards at naiwan pa mga cash ko sa Seoul. I must admit I was making a big deal out of nothing of a big deal. Unless may bibilhin tayong kotse along the way. I have long realized why do I have this kind of attitude? And it is not healthy. I realize it can boil down to planning. And really just sticking to the essentials, which I did all along after the mission. 

3. Another trigger was home. I went Home. And my sister was leaving Home . Nagspend muna ako ng mga ilang araw sa Bikol, spending quality time with my frenemy niece and my sister and my mom. Then spending in my home, there is so much to do, so much to repair, so much to improve. It can be exciting. I can look forward to it. But at the onset, I felt, 'anong gagawin ko dito?' I could not connect anymore. There is no one to talk to except my family and relatives. It can be boring. I got emotionally stressed on the prospect. I worry about my ageing mom. At pasaan pa, kargo ko din ang mag manage ng household. All I could do is to lift them up to the Universe. I feel a blank canvas. Perhaps that is what makes it exciting and accepting and calming at the same time. 

4. Masakit pa rin ang wrist natin. It is healing though. Sa pagmamadali pagkuha ng luggage, parang nabalian ako ng buto. Buti naman at wala as per doctor. It happened while offloading our luggages at the airport. Then I became really pissed off. 'Bakit ba ako nagmamadali?, Ito namang mga kasama ko sa biyahe, wala naman silang pakialam!'. I realized that ayoko silang kasama. Napapagod ako sa kakaalala sa kanila when in fact, they won't care. Now this is this misplaced privilege. That is the problem. When I travel with my colleagues, I feel it is rather really more of a responsibility. I do not get to enjoy it. Then I  realized I do am mentally, emotionally tired, needing a bit of a prolonged rest. 

5. That was my boss believed - that I need to rest, I became too stressed with the mission, doubly stressed because the mission work was home. And the fact that I could not see myself going back to the Philippines yet. And I am not ready but I already made a decision. Early this week, I had a long lunch with her. I became emotional. Lumuluha ako habang linalabas ko ang frustration ko sa opisina. The trigger was the allowance that could have given to us before the travel. She did not believe me somehow. 'Paulie, the allowance was just mere 20% (nung kwinenta ko, halos 6k lang lol). She believed said I needed to rest. In hindsight, hindi ko masabi sa boss ko na 'I have not really been feeling it lately these days.' Minsan it can be a generalized condition for me. In the end, It's me who will take matters on my own hands. 

6. Gusto ko yung Inside Out 2. One of the better movies of recent. Daming takeaways. I can really relate as far as emotions are concern. It struck me when there was a scene that essentially means we get to choose our emotions and not the other way around. Or at least manage well. Another was indeed, pagadult ka na, you may be feeling less joy. The antidote to anxiety is really joy. joy and sadness are intertwined. anger  and disgust can be tricky. paandar naman si nostalgia. anxiety can only be positive on the measures that you can control. What i realize is emotions can be healthy. And as we grow old, emotions can really help us navigate our lives as long as we're honest to ourselves.

7. So where lies in the next months ahead. Tuloy pa rin ang trabaho at tuloy pa rin ang mga hanash. Gusto ko mag slow down at magconserve ng energy. And frankly, I do not know what this means. But I need to venture out, jumpstarting my personal projects, completing most of them and tidying up. Searching as many good opportunities and reskilling myself. Yeah, we're in this endless cycle of life regenerating and rejuvenating. A step at a time. 

Up Close & Personal Manifesto

I cannot let go

I cannot let go this independence that I have worked on for many years. I deserve this kind of lifestyle, I will take care of this because it has already become a vocation. It comes with both a challenge and fulfillment and grace. 

I cannot let go of the foundation that I have built in my profession. I have entered into this sphere and all I need is to enrich and expand and strengthen my resolve. I cannot let go of my dream of becoming a sociologist. I cannot let go of expanding my dream as as a development work. 

I cannot let go of the many years I have invested in my work, in my time. I wont let it go to ‘waste’. 

I cannot let go of my own brand. It reflects my personal integrity. It reflects my honesty and credibility. I value diligence and professionalism. 

I cannot give up all these possibilities that present before me. This unceasing chance to become a person who can be better each day. 

I give up this desire to be looking for affirmation. Period. Only I can affirm with myself. 

I give up of this desire that I need to be recognized. I am only as good as my last work. 

I give up on the idea to control people and demand on the standards based on my perception. I will be instead empowering and inspiring and smart by way of deeds and negotiation. And most of the time, I will just genuinely do not care. 

I give up on this desire to fancying putting so much order in my life then feeling all the misplaced excitement and ended up devaluing my effort. Instead, I will do it with grace, with diligence and kindness. I will just simply let it flow.