Discernment

Barely a month ago, I left this crazy city for a while, off to a far, green, hilly area of Malaybalay City, Bukidnon and went straight to my self-imposed silent retreat at the Monastery of Transfiguration of Benedictine Monks. It was my first, part of this Never Before at 34 Agenda! Three days and two nights in a guest room, in an observed  silence except that of my mind and heart and some casual conversations (think about the Manangs and the Manongs) along the way. 

Earlier this year, as soon as I read the place on the website and what it offers, I booked a flight for an early airfare price and I did not know what to expect afterwards. I do not usually go a retreat where everybody tells their stories. I just needed a 'place'. If only I could have brought my laptop, I could have produced a novella. Back to the Monastery, it turned out to be almost perfect. No guided retreats, no special instructions. You are encouraged to attend five prayer sessions with the monks in the nearest chapel. I attended twice a day. There was a cute monk though.

The room is quaint. A laminated complete guidelines has all the details for you to read. They encourage visitors to observe 'deeper silence' after 7:00 pm. I hope they remind the kuligligs around. At night, the place is a full utopian blank space. The monastery is almost 50 hectares of coffee plantations, pinewood nursery, mini-falls, and hilly grasslands. Pretty big. 

'Why did you come to this place? You're far from here', said the good lady to me during lunchtime in the pantry. Technically, she is my only companion in the guest house.  She visits the Monastery four times a year to teach the Benedictine novices on personality development (that's what I could recall for now). She makes sure that the novices will have no problem why they want to be monks in the first place. 

Me: I need some place quiet. It is my birthday week. So this is a good treat to myself

Lady: Are you in a point of transition in your life? Do you entertain the idea of entering the monastery?

Me: No.

Lady: Why not?

Me: I am a sinner (with some few casual laughs)

Lady: Dom (that's how they called the full-fledged Benedictine) Martin was at his peak as a fashion designer in Manila when he decided to leave everything behind and went here. 

Me: Yeah, I read it online. 

Lady: So why are you here? 

Me: I am not exactly at a crossroad. But I need a kind of discernment. I need to do a lot of things and it can be so tiring. But I need to do it. 

Lady: Maybe the Lord wants you to just do it. 

The lady was cordial and she left me her contacts.

On a separate occasion, there was novice Brother Jerome, only six months in the Monastery.

Me: What do you do inside in the Monastery?
Bro. Jerome: After a day's work, we pray in silence and read.
Me: Will you have a chance to go outside?
Bro. Jerome: Pag kailangan. Last time, I asked permission because I needed to visit my mother.
Me: How many years before you become a monk?
Bro. Jerome: Six years.
Me: Good luck Bro. Jerome. Six year is short if you like what you do (hashtag counselor)

I have my full admiration on these people. I am never a stranger to any religious orders - the Jesuits, Franciscans, Dominicans, and even Pink Sisters. Unfortunately, I never have a close friend from any religious order who can enlighten me further of what they do. For some strange reasons, I spent some nights 'you tubing' and 'googling'  what it is like to be Benedictine in the guest house. I felt I had a crash course on St. Benedict.

During my last night, I felt the serenity of the place. I got the 'discernment' and the 'resolve' that I needed to. It was rather inexplicable. All throughout my stay, to my mind and heart, I kept praising God and asking him to always take good care of me, my family, and friends. A fitting end before my birthday.

On my birthday, I was commuting for a five-hour ride to Davao City to visit my friends. The Bukidnon-Davao road is so scenic. The pines, the plains, the rough hills, and the Mt. Apo mountain ranges in the backdrop complete the Mindanao landscape. Plus some thoughts on Mamasapano (but it is far from the place)! Char. I just learned last week that on the same road, a bus was stopped over and burned down by the NPA! No one was hurt because they let the commuters out of the bus and are left to waiting on the next bus while seeing their supposed bus burning. Crap. Rule no. 1. Do not travel by night. Always in the bright light of the day. 

New Yorker in Cainta

And so it begins again, I am officially living alone. Got the apartment all by myself. Yesterday, my sister gave me all the 'bilins'. Kasabay niyan I will be paying all the apartment in full. Magastos din ang mag solo, ano sa akala mo!

With all her stuff gone, I have all the space. I hurried to our nearest community mall to get a nice table. I was itching to get one. Practically for the writing. I do not know, some sort of a symbolic new paandar for me.  Parang new table, new you! So I bought this Malaysian dinner table. It lured me. As of this writing, it has been bliss. And so I am inspired to write on my first night with this table. Such joy I derive. Ang babaw ko, haha.

Setting the table aside, I feel like I am an inspired single New Yorker in Cainta. I can run naked in this apartment. Do some Carrie Bradshaw moments. I can have sex on this table. Or Bridget Jones with Mark Darcy on the bed just across.  Endless possibilities. But not yet. I do not intend to do it in the nearest future.

It has been awhile since I live all by myself. When my father passed away, I promised that I would accompany my sisters here in this big city until they have their own married lives. Last year, it was our youngest. Last month, our third sister went to our hometown and join her longtime boyfriend.

And me? I look forward to living solo in this apartment. I have been wired to do this. Ever since college, I have lived in this kind of set up. A close friend consulted how it is to be living like this? I always say there are both good and hard side. Good in a sense that it is priceless returning to the apartment all by yourself with all the calmness in the surroundings. You get to reflect. You get to listen to your own music. You get to have the Zen feel. You recharge, get to focus, without immediate noise. I must admit at my age, it may take time to adjust to an idea of living with someone in an apartment. I have been selfish on this category for most of my life. My only consideration is my siblings or a friend in need to stay for few sleepovers. Emphasis on the few. haha.

There is also the bad side of living alone. Say for example, there are inevitable household chores (replacing bulbs, buying freaking Gasul!) that require more than your body weight. You need helping hand. When you get bored, you really are bored. You get to be lonely. Yes. When you are living solo, loneliness can be in your face. But I realise there is this thin line that separates loneliness and just being in a quiet place. And yes, I get to mix loneliness with 'just being in a quiet place' most of the time. I do not really want to privilege all this distinction.

I am giving myself a year only in this place and I will hop to another place, smaller but hopefully with the same vibe. The only thing that I need to do now is enjoy and make the most out of this table!

Mariah to my heart

Tapos na ang concert ni Mariah Carey. Masaya ako. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, Christmas gift ko na yan! Now, as of this writing, feeling ko may hangover pa ako. Napagod ako sa kakasigaw. It was her second concert. The last time was 2003, her Charmbracelet tour. I remember we bought two fresh sunflowers sa Dangwa - one for me, and one for Gerald - bago kami umalis papuntang The Fort. Inisip ko tuloy nag effort talaga kami para sa dalawang sunflowers lang. Wait, now I remember, walang supply noon. Nahirapan din kaming maghanap. Seasonal yata ang mga sunflowers. The last concert for me was forgettable. Nagenjoy naman ako ng konti pero during that time, fading na ang mga moments ko sa kanya. Probably nagsawa na rin yata ako sa kanya, to be fair.

It was Mariah in the 90's - her MTV Unplugged (I'll be there), Music Box (i.e. Hero), Daydream (Always Be My Baby) to Butterfly (My All) days when I felt I could connect with her. The lyrical songs (her songs are really poetic, she has good choice of words), and her voice. They are one of a kind. Yung One Sweet Day niya, spent 16 weeks at No. 1 in Billboard singles charts. As for me, kinumpleto ang cassette tapes, nag rerequest palagi sa local radio para maging no. 1 ang mga bagong release na songs, nagpapakuwento sa mga seniors kung ano ang latest sa the Voice of America Billboard Daily Charts, inaway ang future class valedictorian namin at sabay naming binulabog ang buong faculty for a survey kung sino ang bet nila - Mariah or Whitney!? Pinatawag kami ng adviser at pinagsabihan bakit daw kami nagaaway para kay Mariah and Whitney. 'Shallow' daw yun. First time ko narinig ang word na shallow to be fair. haha. Nagplastikan kami sa pagbati kase alam ko naman mananalo naman talaga ako sa survey no at hindi lang niya maideny. But we became close friends eventually. Very high school. Oh well, what is high school for if not for sophomoric ways! Char.  

Back to Mariah, nainis ako sa kanya but then I also sympathized with her noong hindi siya nanalo kahit isa man lang na Grammys 1995 despite the 11 nominations for her Day Dream Album! Pesteng 'Kiss from a Rose' yan (from Seal). Agaw eksena talaga yang kantang yan. At suspetsa namin doon nagsimula ang downtrending ni Mariah. 

In all of these, there was Gerald, the ultra fan. We could talk for hours about Mariah. He always challenged me to memorize all of her songs but I never did. I ended up inventing words or mixing the lyrics. High school pa, sakit ko na talaga yan - mga mali maling lyrics. Gerald and I have become close, best of buddies. Mariah became the entry point of our friendship! I asked him, 'Since when did you start liking her?' He replied, 'Di ba, ikaw nga, nung nagsusurvey kayo, sabi mo mag Mariah na ako, eh nag Mariah na ako!'

Time passed and we grew apart. College years, konti ang opportunity para magkita. Then 2003, he encouraged me to watch the concert, I got the bronze but he got the gold area. Hayun naiwan ako sa likod, kasama ng nabili kong sunflower. After noon, nag focus muna ang bakla sa love life, went to South suburban (Laguna), at hayun, halos hindi din kami nagkita ng matagal. 

It was 2005, Mariah Carey released Emancipation of Mimi. She redeemed herself.  In between Day Dream and Emancipation of Mimi albums, there were flop movie, moments she was hospitalized due to nervous breakdown, low commercial sales of other albums, being drunk at the stage. This time in Emancipation, nagkaroon ulit ng taste of success. Strange, parang hindi ko man lang napansin masyado yung mga successes niya on this particular album. Feeling ko nga flop. I was busy with my professional career.

It only late 2006 when I began to appreciate her comeback, and during 2006-2010, during my frustrating moments, probably because you were in your 20's, young and you needed a good career, I used her music to lift me. Hindi ko man makanta ng maayos pero push pa rin. Binabalikan ko ang Daydream album niya. Vision of Love days then push for her E=MC2, Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel - her music and songs have helped. Parang nag music therapy lang.

So when I saw her last Tuesday, I was kind of introspective. How have I grown? Where have I been all these years? When she sung Hero and I'll Be There, it  popped up to me, 'oh, kamusta naman ang buhay mo so far?!' When she sung Always Be My Baby, 'oh kamusta naman ang love life mo so far?!. It was like a dialogue with her music, When she sung, Fly Like A Bird, 'oh, kamusta naman ang career mo na?!' Touch My Body, 'eh ang sex life mo?' I appreciate the process. Char.

Gerald and I debriefed after the concert near his place. Gerald was all thankful. But he is forward looking now. He has definite plans to go abroad . It could have been earlier if not for Mariah. Iiwan na naman ako ng prodigal BFF ko. But we are thankful Mariah has been there for us all along. Sabi nga niya sa Make It Happen, 'Don't Let Go'

Mario and Me

(Morning) Balak ko talagang magabsent ngayon sa opisina. Kakausapin ko yung mga advisers ko sa UP at magme  'Me Time' kalaunan.  Gusto ko na talaga ng Me Time. Maraming negative paandars sa opisina lately. Dagdagan mo pa ng mga trabaho. Opo, nagrereklamo po ako. Ok na sana ang skaydule. But then hayun, pag gising ko, pa baha na ang buong kaMaynilaan. Wala ng punta sa UP. Pero marami ng Me Time. Gusto mo ng Time! Bibigyan kita ng TIME!, sabi ni Lord. Kaya heto, blessings in disguise ba ito. I believe so. Kaya heto naguupdate ng blog. Nag sindi ng kandila para kay Mama Mary. All silent in the eastern front, recharging my soul. Pahinga talaga. Pero sana wala ng ulan later. Napapa lakwatsa ako, birthday din ni Goddessified pero mukhang ayaw munang umawat si Bagyong Mario. We'll see about that later.

So ano pang chika mo? ayoko na sanang magsulat about my kabusyhan dahil sa totoo lang ayoko yung glinoglorify ang kabusyhan ko. Well, I can talk about it for a while with my friends pero hanggang doon lang muna. Wala ako sa mood ngayon. So aside sa paging busy sa work, which is enough for me to put food on the table, heto... napansin ko ang dami ko ng librong hindi nababasa and to be fair, irritation ang dulot sa akin nito. Alam mo naman ang sakit ko is to get as many books and read them a little later, parang enrol now, pay later lang ang peg. As in later, meaning mga one year after. Mukhang marami na akong hindi nababasa at yung kay Richard Florida's Who's Your City is months-old na. Marami naman kase po akong binabasa manay. Sa trabaho pa lang, kung ano ano na lang. Pero sige ha, push pa rin natin ito.

Hindi pa ako nagpreprepare for Mariah Carey concert. Wala pa kaming poster. Wala pang design ng tshirt. Pero at least meron na kaming theme. Kailangan pa daw naming maghotel na malapit sa venue. Sabi ko kay Ghe, my lamb frenie, hindi ko naeenjoy ang mga preparations ko for Mimi's concert, given all the busyness lately. Kaya I have to Make Time. Sabi pa niya, I have to make sure I memorize the lyrics correctly at nakakahiya daw pag tinawag kami ni Mariah (yeah, we got this Illusion at atmospheric levels!) So, ano ng gagawin ko? heto nga nagpapatugtog na ng Mariah Carey sa Spotify.  This week, I promise to myself na may milestones na kami :)

(EVENING) Hindi tuloy ang birthday ni Goddessified. Typhoon Mario had been making all the paandars. Flood everywhere. And for the first time since I do not remember, I  had a good two hours afternoon sleep. At medyo mahilo hilo ako pagkagising ko. Hindi talaga ako sanay ng maraming tulog to be fair. So, feeling ko marami among energy ngayon. Outside naman, the neighbours have been busy drinking. Yes, tumagay pa nga ako kanina. Sabi nila 'writer' daw ako. Wala na lang akong nasabi. Pinandigan ko na tutal nagsusulat naman talaga ako. Sabay inom. Sabay abot ng macaroni soup na nasa red cup. Then I excused myself. Namiss ko na rin ang mga community drinking na ganyan. It is so real. Kaso medyo yata nakainum na rin ang mga lolo at lola kaya medyo maiingay na sila, halakhak na. Gusto yatang lumusong sa baha dahil napapa Mcdo daw sila.  Tingnan mo,  naririnig ko na sila. Good luck sa mga palaka diyan sa entrance ng village. May marshland kaya diyan. You, wading, and the frogs,  swimming and leaping with so much joy.

Anyhows, I feel grateful for this day. I mean it. So, let's make the most out of this.

How Has It Been?

1. It has been a while. Well, I lost track. The past months were both hard and easy. It is hard because the work calls for it.  It was easy because you can also get to strike work-life balance. With all the balancing act,  I miss being stubborn. Those moments when I do not give a damn. I do not know what does this mean exactly but it is more of a resolve that I will have to take it in stride under my own terms whatever things I do. I am doing it and it is a bliss. If I happen to think I am on a race track always wanting get ahead of myself, it can be tiring. It will be counter productive. And believe me, a waste of time.  I do not believe in getting ahead anyway. I believe in Growth. Why I am pondering about this, about myself in a race track, about some sort of me running in a marathon? Have I been left behind? Am I meeting deadlines? Where have I been? I am here. Just the everyday life pondering. Maybe deadlines coming from my to-do list - like this blog post, which I had promised to always update. It can be a source of both frustration and inspiration knowing you are way past deadline or you can even find out after successfully doing it, you are confronted with a 'So What?' existential inquiry as if everything is all together mundane. Yet, for some strange reason, I feel quite Zen on all of these. About letting go but not exactly. Enjoying the process. Slow but Certain. Progressive and Meaningful.

2. I believe in the Universe. I believe in the Universe telling me to stay and sail away. The Universe telling me I have never been late when everyone else is just early. I believe in its great laws and the Divine lawmaker and his Universe of Divine goodness. The second next best thing however in believing is doing. Ask and the Universe shall give it to you. If not, it will give it to you in other forms. Ask, ask, and ask and Do it. It is impossible you cannot get there. If not, the Universe will get you there before you know it. Patience and Persistence are best friends forever.

My friend Madz and I talked about how we marvel the Universe. Sometimes, it can be frustrating, I said. The Universe can be most frustrating, she added, especially when we are not most open to it. The Universe can only work in our openness to it. It does not mean that we are to be accepting as to be submitting whatever falls upon you. But to be open is to understand the limits of our learning process to be human. Create a space where the Universe can play. Give the Universe a shared role in the build up of your own life project. One can marvel the outcome or blessing. You do not owe to any Universe the kind of great indebtedness like building some religion. For whatever blessings, you may probably just need to pay it forward.

3. In the meantime, with all this Universe and taking it in stride talk, my preoccupation has been extensive. At home, like a doting big sister to our youngest sister expecting her first baby. Family coordination can be tasking but I have already outgrown it. I pray that she will safely deliver baby boy Lyme and Lyme is as healthy and normal as he can be. I am enjoying the prospect of becoming a bitch but lovable and stage Auntie. On other aspects, I am finishing my thesis. The thesis work can be frustrating and inspiring at the same time. Literally, you will be left on your own. Again, I have outgrown it. More than the thesis, my extra curriculars or whatever things in my to-do list are advancing in most ways. Like finishing off debts. Like doing  a 'Procastination Diet.' Like somehow getting enough sleep. And yes, I have yet to improve my fitness, my bones have been cracking up lately.