This sinking feeling that I must bear. It all reveals before me. Now I feel I am relocating and really relocating to the new city! All paperworks have been finished and I have never been prouder to do so much in a week’s time - commuting from place to place, getting all documents stamped, paying government fees that I still feel I am shortchanged. It gets tiring particularly on the queuing part. I also learned a lot in my eavesdropping on our fellow overseas Filipino workers.
Then, the new office told me if I have a ticket already. I thought they would be the one to buy it for me. And there was the misunderstanding part. They said they would reimburse the ticket. As far as I am concern, I was not thoroughly informed. Instead of making an issue about it, I hurried to book the most favorable date. At the very least, I can balance the time between send offs with my family and friends, and the packing, and the time I immerse into the new place. But then again I said to myself, I will definitely have lots of time to immerse myself in the new city. So, my priority is more time at home.
I got a lifeline last night. I just needed to vent. The preparation is the hardest part, I must tell. I try to water it down. But I need to be ‘excited’ in order to put all things in perspective. What is this telling me - all this reluctance? I have acquired the strange habit of doubts. It must have taken toll on me. But I have the faith to keep things in order and easy. It has been a mixed feeling after all.
As I arrived late in my apartment, with all the mess - the books on the floor, the unwashed plates, some photos hanging on wall, and the small ‘bubwit’ that I noticed and frowned upon - I saw my life before me. All the mess that needs to be arranged. And this constant craving for the need of all this mess to put things in proper place.
I just felt sleepy and turned off the lights and resolved to 'plan' on it the next day. Always like that. Some may call it procrastination. I wish I could be more methodical.
I close my eyes and give thanks for a productive day. That can make a lot of difference for now.